Anything but Mediocrity

Bad Movie...Good Line

2009-04-19T17:38:00.003-04:00

Just finished watching a really bad movie called "All the Pretty Horses" with Matt Damon as a Texan cowboy who tries to find himself in Mexico and eventually ends up back in Texas after a series of very unfortunate events.

The movie was not good, but one of the final lines redeemed it a little for me,

"Lacey once asked me if I thought God looks out for people. I guess he does. I say he's just about got to. I don't believe we'd make it a day otherwise."

Birthday Grace

2009-04-19T15:33:00.004-04:00

I remember going out to dinner when I was a kid for my father's birthday and not understanding why he wouldn't want everyone to sing to him and give him a free dessert, but now I understand. I am 29 and it makes complete sense. I don't want anyone to make a big deal or sing happy birthday. I don't mind people giving me stuff, but I would prefer it without the whole birthday thing.

Why do I care if people celebrate me being another year older? I am not sure, but my hunch is that I don't like being cheered on for something I had nothing to do with. I didn't do anything to get a year older, I didn't do anything to deserve presents or a cake or a special dinner and so I don't want to make a big thing out of it.

This clicked for me and I realized that I don't like my birthday for the same reason I struggle with grace. I don't like the idea of something for nothing. I don't like to be celebrated without accomplishment. The world has convinced me that I need to earn everything that comes to me, yet the gospel, along with everyone wishing me a happy birthday, screams out in celebration for me simply exisiting. Not for anything I have done or am doing, just simply for me being me because I am loved.

A Foot Washing on a Thursday

2009-04-10T09:35:00.002-04:00

I cannot remember ever attending a traditional Maunday Thursday service before serving at ours yesterday. I have been to a number of seder dinners and informal gatherings, but never a service in a church with the foot washing up front among people that don't all know each other intimately.

It was a powerful experience. That shouldn't be surprising, but it was. I was blown away by the meaning and depth of that simple experience. I have always prided myself at being very open and okay with being vulnerable or exposed, even around people I don't know too well. Nevertheless, last night I was intimidated by the exposure of having your feet washed by someone you don't know that well.

It was beautiful and incredible and when it was combined with the powerful display of the stripping of the altar I melted. Thank you Lord for loving me. For giving your son for a slave like me.

Out of my Cold, Dead Hand...Munitions and Freedom

2009-04-08T12:47:00.001-04:00

I heard a story on NPR last night about a nationwide ammunition shortage. Part of this shortage can be linked to how much is being sent overseas to fight two wars, but there was a more curious reason given by a gun store owner.

Dury, the man being interviewed, claimed that fear from President Obama's liberal and "socialist" agenda is bringing people in droves to gun stores as they stockpile weapons and munitions. Dury said that his sales have gone up 40 or 50% since the day of his election. He can barely keep anything in stock because people are buying new weapons and lifetime supplies of ammunition for them out of fear of possible restrictions and taxes from the current administration (one of the people he sold a case of ammunition was a 79 year old woman who wanted to stock up for her AK-47...I have no idea how much a "lifetime supply" of ammo is for an AK-47).

When asked how sales were the day he was interviewed, the store owner replied that it was, "an average post-Obama day."

These kinds of stories catch my attention because they emphasize the impotence of the law to accomplish what it desires, that even a fear of possible restriction sends people running for the gun racks. There is a certain irony that the desire to legislate a reduction in the number of guns and bullets circulating in America leads directly to the opposite effect. The reality that under President Bush, a gun toting Texan, there were actually fewer weapons in circulation and less of a motivation to stockpile them.

I have rarely, if ever, observed obligation or restriction succeed in establishing a "lawful" environment. This example is only one of many situations where the law has utterly failed to do what it has set out to do (and by law I mean not just legal realities, but any obligation or restriction placed on us by another).

In my short experience in this world I have only found one thing that accomplishes what it sets out to do and that is grace that flows naturally from love. The one-way kind of perfect love that comes from God.

A Word from Bishop Marshall

2009-04-07T09:49:00.003-04:00

Here is part of a statement released by Bishop Paul Marshall (Episcopal Diocese of Bethlehem). I feel it is a good statement from the often silent moderate part of our Church:

As a Church we are increasingly a laughing-stock. Not because we welcome lesbian and gay people, and carry on social ministries that enact the sacrifice of Christ on a corporate basis, and certainly not because of our latitude and the conversation it engenders. We are a laughing stock because we do not consistently proclaim a solid core, words as simple as “all have sinned and come short of the glory of God,” yet “God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself.”

Increasingly it seems that the Cross has become foolishness in the Church, and our former hallmark teaching of the Incarnation is seldom heard, and less seldom heard to matter. If our embarrassment is going to end, the voices of bishops as clear, traditional, and powerful evangelists need to be raised in the churches and in the market place. Many bishops find a number of techniques that come from the social sciences useful in their ministries, and have significant investment in Eastern meditation—their qualification to be bishops, however, is as the chief confessors of the creeds and presidents at the sacraments. They are to be unambiguously ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through them.

Our Dying Ecclesiology

2009-04-01T10:57:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about church and talking to people who don't go to church. I hear comments like, "Churches are just full of hypocrites," and "I haven't found a church that works for me." These are comments I hear all the time from people who have given up on church and I have to say that it makes me want to give up on church too.

I am wondering if what people are describing is going to church and feeling judged by people who are no different than them. I notice that our churches have incorporated moralism into their DNA in a way that only focuses on part of the law. The sense of hypocrisy comes because churches have eschewed the whole law for a smaller set of "house rules" that everyone has subconsciously agreed to. These "house rules" are simple enough for the in-crowd to follow, but exclude a majority of people who walk through the door.

This is how pharaseeism works out in our churches today. We pick and choose from the law and create not a place for sinners to find comfort and rest, but a place for those who are not-gay, not-liberal, not-conservative, not-divorced, or not-sleeping around. Those who call it home find their own way of putting on the right face and everyone else just goes away angered by the hypocritical institutional church and when it turns out that one of their number is not living up to code, they are shamed until they leave too.

The church becomes a place for similar sinners as opposed to forgiven saints. We no longer need to be forgiven, we only need to continue living up to the local law. Our self-righteousness reigns. In fact, we reject no one more completely than the very savior who tries to tell us we are not righteous by our own merit and that we need help. How else does the Son of God who came and died for us end up becoming simply a "good moral teacher." Moses was a good moral teacher, Jesus was the savior of the world.

The church has to maintain the whole law because everyone who enters must stand condemned together and thus be in need of the same grace. Anything less than the whole law simply excludes some and makes room for others who can live up to some small set of rules. It is the whole law that crushes all equally. Everyone, from Hitler to Mother Teresa, stands in total violation of the whole law. It is inescapable in its crushing totality.

Church can either be a place where we find comfort, grace, and the word of forgiveness and adoption in the death and resurrection of Jesus or it can be a place that reduces the law to an "achievable" level that excludes all but the Pharisees and Scribes who are deluded into thinking they measure up.

Theology of the Body for Beginners: Legalism to LIberty

2009-03-18T15:28:00.000-04:00

Since I was first introduced to Pope John Paul II's Theology of the Body as disseminated by Christopher West a few years ago, I have been a big proponent of his teaching on sex and the body.

It is a shame how little of the Pope's teaching has spread through the Protestant church. I guess I should not be too surprised considering the immense distrust of all things Roman in most Protestant circles. If Protestants are honest with themselves, they must admit that we desperately need help when it comes to issues of sexuality and the body. We have such a poor foundation for these issues. The entire spectrum of Protestant theology is vapid. From the meager traditional teaching, "'don't have sex before marriage," to the more progressive teaching that seems to have even less to offer, we are floundering in our efforts to communicate solid and encouraging teaching on the body to our children.

To this end, I would like to recommend Christopher West's Theology of the Body for Beginners. It is solid and accessible. There is plenty you will disagree with, but at least it will give you something to work with, which is more than most of us have.

The following quote from his introductory chapter sums it all up for me, "[Pope John Paul II's teaching] is a message of sexual healing and redemption, not condemnation. With this compassionate approach-the Gospel approach-John Paul shifts the discussion of sexual morality from legalism to liberty. The legalist asks, "How far can I go before I break the law?" Instead, the Pope asks, "What's the truth about sex that sets me free to love?"

This is the premise of the Pope's extensive theology of the body and I commend it to everyone. It is time to break down some of the walls between the Protestant and Roman traditions. We have a lot to learn from one another.

Theology of Grace

2009-03-18T13:08:00.001-04:00

Here are some brief thoughts concerning a theology of grace over what I have found to be the more commonly accepted theology of grace and law (law being what we are required to do as Christians).

As I have come to understand it, the scriptures and the tradition of the Church speak to a theology of grace alone by faith alone and this grace and this faith come to us through the mediation of Jesus Christ alone.

This is a difficult teaching for most people because we desire so much to retain some control over our lives. Once we accept the grace of God through Jesus, we feel the need to go out and do something more. No matter how much we hear about free grace, we cannot help but insist that there is more to be done.

“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God—not the result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life.” (Eph 2:8-10, italics mine)

This is from the Epistle reading for the Fourth Sunday in Lent. It is clear in just these few verses (and I promise you will find this same message throughout the whole of scripture) that our salvation and righteousness have nothing to do with us, but solely by the free gift of God, that even our good works after we receive this gift are not of ourselves, but prepared by God for us to live into them. Who we are as Christians has nothing to do with what we do and everything to do with what God has already done.

It is hard for us to receive things freely. Even gifts are most often exchanged and rarely given expecting nothing in return. We are much better and paying for what we get, even when it comes to gifts. Just think about how you felt the last time someone offered to buy your coffee or lunch when you were out. What is your first inclination? I know mine is always about buying their coffee or lunch the next time, in other words, to repay them. We don’t even think about it. Our instinct is always to repay and we are flustered by our inability to repay God. This leads us to work and work toward living a “good Christian life,” which does not exist.

In this life, there is only the “Christian life,” and it is neither “good” nor “bad.” The message of the gospel is that despite our best efforts to be bad, God declares us good. We were unable to live up to the standards of God before faith in God and it is the same after that faith is given to us. Christians remain helpless to live up to the standards of God, but despite our efforts God saw fit to have mercy on us, to declare us saints while we were still sinners. Thanks be to God!

"Taken"

2009-03-05T10:20:00.007-05:00

Any man reading this post should run, don't walk, to go see "Taken." It was the most satisfying movie I have seen in a long, long time.

"Taken" stars Liam Neeson as Bryan Mills, a retired CIA operative whose daughter is kidnapped into forced prostitution. The stage is set in the first 10 minutes and the rest of the movie is Liam Neeson wrecking people with cold and merciless efficiency. At every turn are pimps, henchmen, kidnappers, bodyguards, and men who bid on women "certified 100% pure" at auction for unscrupulous purposes and Mills is there to obliterate them.

This in itself, while unassailably cool, would not be post-worthy if it were not for my excitement every time one of the offenders got wasted. Every time Mills tortures a lead from one of the antagonists, every time he shoots someone without warning to extract information, every time he leaves someone in agony in his righteous pursuit for his beloved, I was putting up the horns in victory.

I could pretend that my emotions were driven by a heightened sense of justice and righteousness (being a priest and all), but that would be a complete lie. I know myself well enough to know that it was not a sense of justice, but the "satisfaction" of revenge that riveted me at the movies last night.

I hear people talk about justice all the time: our president and political leaders, clergy in the pulpit, my friends at the bar, and protesters on street corners, but I am not convinced any of us actually have a sense of justice, true justice. I am even starting to believe that there is no such thing in this world, that any system of justice humans have created, no matter how developed, is at best only playing at justice.

If a stalker kills a young woman in the street there can be no justice for that situation. His death does not serve justice, but revenge. The young woman is never coming back and that pain will never go away.

Even the idea of "social justice" is a myth. Ask a young boy in a war-torn African village, as you hand him food and supplies, what he is experiencing and his response will never be justice. There is no justice for a starving boy no matter how much food, aid, and medication you bring from rich, white America.

Our world talks a lot about justice, but what we cry out for is blood and gore, revenge and misery, anything that will dull the pain of living in a broken world. The crowds cried out for Jesus' blood on the cross out of the insanity of sin, not out of a sense of justice. "Justice" is the sugar coating we put on our blood lust. "Justice" is what we hope will fill in the hole in our broken and battered hearts.

I know it is so for me. I am terrified by the part of me that leaps with a dark joy when I watch movies like "Taken." I pretend it is really justice that I am seeking. That I am driven by my attempt to right the wrong I see all around me. But I am the source of that wrong and my justice, my good work, is filth.

It is only compassion, and not an attempt at justice that will move to heal a broken world. Jesus came and died for us. This is the only act in all of history where actual Justice was served and it was in the most unjust way imaginable. Jesus came that we might know compassion and mercy, love and hope, joy and peace, not justice...never justice.

The Scandal of the Cross

2009-02-23T10:42:00.003-05:00

I was having a conversation recently about the scandal of the cross. I have always taken this phrase to mean that the reality of forgiveness for sinners based solely on the merit of another (namely, Jesus) is a scandal. That the only person in existence who had no reason to be put to death was tortured and killed. Worse yet, it was done precisely for those who held the whip, hammer, and nails (namely, me).

Part of our conversation concerned the genocide in Rwanda, now 15 years past. For the first time, I did not focus on the victims who were butchered with machetes (many within the walls of the churches they sought out for comfort and protection), but on those holding the weapons of death and destruction.

A comment was made that some of the killers said they were Christians. Whenever I hear the phrase, "said they were Christians," it catches my attention because it usually means that we don't believe someone is really a Christian. That we hear the words, but their actions are un-Christian and so we don't really believe them. I do not intend to be overly critical, this is a very popular way of thinking. Unfortunately, it is not Christian thinking because none of our actions are "Christian." We are unsuccessful at loving loving truly and unconditionally and therefore we are unsuccessful at living as Christians should. That is why Jesus is so important.

With that perspective I can almost guarantee that there were in fact Christians on both sides of the Rwandan genocide (and almost any other genocide for that matter). Being a Christian does not always prevent us from acting in anger and fear as opposed to God's love. Christians commit horrible acts everyday, even cold-blooded murder, and they are forgiven by God every time.

That is the scandal of the cross for me. The scandal is not that God forgives the things we don't think are a big deal, the scandal lies in the fact that God forgives the sin in us that we find unforgivable and unimagineable. All sin is horrific if we consider it carefully and any of us is capable of terrible things if put under the right (or I should say "wrong") pressures and circumstances.

Christ died on the cross for us and that means the worst of us and the worst in us. The blood of Jesus is enough for all. It is enough for those poor souls who turned to violence and ethnic cleansing in Rwanda. It is enough for the worst of the worst like Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, and Idi Amin...it has to be, or it is not enough for me. And I need it to be enough for me.

Thank you Timothy for helping to remind me of the power of the cross.

Reminiscing on Cowardice

2009-02-04T11:52:00.003-05:00

On the way to work today I heard an old favorite on the radio called "The Impression that I Get," by The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. I was struck by some lyrics that I have sung unwittingly many times before:

I'm not a coward

I've just never been tested

I'd like to think that if I was I would pass

I look at the tested and think there but the grace go I

I might be a coward

I'm afraid what I might find out

I have grown up imagining myself the hero, thinking that if I saw someone being attacked or was in the middle of a violent situation, I would rise to the occasion and play the hero. I cannot say that I have been truly tested on this (and for that I am thankful), but all indications point to me being a coward and not a hero.

A couple years ago, my mother and I were hiking in Yellowstone National Park and we came across a black bear. Black bears are all over Yellowstone and they are rarely aggressive or dangerous to hikers. This was not even the first one we had encountered on this trip, but it was the first one that was less than 10 feet away.

You talk about wanting to see a bear in the wild and how cool that would be. I just remember being terrified. There was this creature, minding its own business, eating something in the trunk of a tree, and I could not get over how easily it could utterly destroy me. My instinct was not to stand my ground and protect my mother who was hiking right behind me. It was to avoid it and skirt by as fast as I could.

Nothing happened, but my performance does not lead me to think, "that if I was [tested] I would pass." I don't know how I will react in any given situation, but often in this life I find that the way I imagine myself acting is rarely the way I actually act when the situation arises. I imagine being a good boyfriend and then when I am dating someone I do all kinds of stupid things. I imagine being a good priest and end up making some really bad calls when things get difficult. I imagine loving those around me, but end up putting myself first before all others.

So, "I look at the tested and think there but the grace go I." Only by the grace of God in Jesus Christ go I and without that I am nothing more than a coward, a liar, a cheat, and a beggar. In all my failings (and they are too numerous to count) I am loved. In all my work, I am used in spite of myself. In all my relationships, I am able to live by the word of forgiveness given first to me by Jesus. I am able to love because I have been loved first.

Amen.

Higher Standards

2009-01-27T12:40:00.004-05:00

I have recently been ordained to the Priesthood and this has led to more than one conversation about how things are different now that I am ordained. A common question concerns whether or not I feel that I should be held to a higher standard now that I am a priest.

As you might guess most people say I should be, but my answer is and will always be an emphatic "No, absolutely not."

This is not because I want to leave room for promiscuous or delinquent behavior, it is simply a reality. As a priest, I should not be held to a higher standard because I cannot be held to one; there is no higher standard. The very concept is an illusion.

The Law holds all people to the same standard, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matt. 5:48) There is only one standard for all, priest or not, and it cannot be any higher.

The problem is accurately expressed in the movie "Keeping the Faith" where Ed Norton (a Roman Catholic Priest) and Ben Stiller (a Rabbi) have this exchange:

Stiller: Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be.

Norton: Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be.

...But we're not and we never will be.

The heart of the issue is not whether certain people should be held to higher standards because of their calling, but the degree to which we underestimate our own sin. This is why we are quickly becoming a nation of atheists and agnostics. We have such a low view of the Law and what is demanded of us that we think we are doing good enough to pass. We trick ourselves into thinking we are "doing alright" and that we are "good people." We lower the bar for ourselves and raise the bar for everyone else so that we feel okay about ourselves. We don't realize that no one passes save Jesus himself. We don't realize we stand under judgment in desperate need of a savior, a substitute. This is why we stop thinking Jesus matters. We become secular humanists attempting to make the world a better place, where everyone acts like us.

So, go ahead and try to hold me to a higher standard. I promise it will still be too low compared to the standard my Lord has for me. But God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ while we were still dead in our transgressions. Amen.

Fleeing from the Law

2009-01-23T19:08:00.001-05:00

So I have a pretty close friend in the hospital. She is young and had been there for a couple months now. I visit her 2-3 times a week and am usually there anywhere from 2-6 hours at a time. There are a myriad of reasons why I go, some noble and some selfish, but it was always a pleasure to visit her. Even when she was doing very poorly and didn't really make any sense when she spoke I enjoyed our time together. That was until last night.

A friend of the family called around to people who visited a lot and asked us to sign up for weekly time slots so that the family could have some planned rest and a regular-ish schedule. My shift is Thursday nights from 6:30-10pm. Last night was my first "shift" with her. I arrived 15 minutes late and left 15 minutes early.

Requirements and restrictions only breed lawlessness and rebellion. I am convinced of this. So many believe that Christians should be purveyors of morality and good living. I say hang it all and let people live. Let them come experience the grace of God in the face of their sin and see what they do. People have a pretty good sense of what they need to do and if they aren't doing it, it isn't because they don't know any better, it's because they can't. More clarity on the rules isn't going to help.

There is so much fear over what people would do if the Church really offered freedom. How people would take the grace of God and treat it as if it were cheap and meaningless. I can't speak for everyone, but I can say this...last week you couldn't hold me back from that small hospital room on 12 North and now I just think about how I have to go next Thursday. I am not a better person for it. Let's give freedom a try.

A Quote Too Good Not to Post

2009-01-23T12:39:00.003-05:00

"Christianity is not a system for making people good, it is about helping people deal with the fact that they are not good."

Serenity

2009-01-22T18:03:00.003-05:00

"Serenity" was a movie born out of a short-lived TV show called "Firefly." To get an idea of the setting, think Wild West in space and then, if you can figure out how that could possibly be any good, you will be on the right track.

The power of the show is in the characters that make up the pirate crew of the Firefly class spaceship named "Serenity." They are remnants of a rebellion against "The Alliance" (the confederation of civilized and technologically advanced planets toward the center of the galaxy) and long after the war is lost they continue in their opposition while attempting to survive the harsh life of the outer planets. Their ship is falling apart, they are poor, and every step of the way they are barely holding on.

As the plot unfolds, we discover that the Alliance is seeking to eliminate rebellion and trouble in their civilization by destroying "sin" (yes, that is the actual word they use). In their efforts they invented a compound that suppresses the violent urges of human beings. They experiment with this compound on a planet of people who quickly become pleasant, docile, and peaceful. The Alliance has created a Utopian society where all obey the law perfectly, there is no rebellion, and all contribute to the upward spiral of human civilization.

Man has conquered sin...or so they think.

It turns out that as the compound's effects progress people stop doing anything at all. Not only do they cease to rebel, but they cease to do anything. Everyone lies down and stops working, playing, talking, eating, and drinking, until finally, they stop breathing. That is, everyone but the tiniest percentage of those who have quite a different reaction. Those few become monsters. They stop feeling anything at all and lose their minds. These twisted lepers do not lie down to die, but spend the rest of their existence feeding off any life that they encounter, destroying it utterly. Consuming all in their path.

Mal (the captain) and his crew discover this truth that has been hidden from everyone and set out to shed light where there is darkness. They succeed, but with terrible losses to their own.

The movie concludes with this conversation as the Serenity is taking off to its next destination. In it, Mal and River put to words the central theme of all that has been portrayed to this point.

Mal: You know what the first rule of flying is?

River: I do. But I like to hear you say it.

Mal: Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love and she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the worlds. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down, tells you she's hurting before she keels, makes her a home.

[Rain pattering as they take off]

River: Storm's getting worse.

Mal: We'll pass through it soon enough.

[They exit the atmosphere of the planet and the rain stops]

This crew of rebels love one another and it is this love that makes their story so incredible. Their messy lives are held together by love and it is that love that stands in direct opposition to a "civilization" who seeks to make a perfect world by their own might. They resist because they know no such reality is possible by force or control or technology, but only by love...and that is the one thing The Alliance lacks.

I believe this is our experience too. We fight so hard to make our lives better and to control the world around us. We convince ourselves with technology and enough determination we can eliminate hunger and pain and suffering, but we can't and our attempts to do so only seem to kill people or turn them into monsters. The only thing with the power to do so is love and the only access we have to that love is the grace of God mediated by Jesus Christ alone. The story of "Serenity" is our story as a civilization...and the storm is getting worse. But I promise we will pass through it soon enough as we are carried ever upward not by ourselves, but by the love of God.

No, We Cannot

2009-01-20T12:35:00.002-05:00

"Our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please." (President Barack Obama)

Amen. Amen. I can only hope that a fraction of what was promised today comes to pass. It will not happen by force of arms or by the weight of American power and control. It will happen through peace, love, and charity. May we all live to see the day when that is the approach of the United States to the world. May we live to see the day when that is the approach of the Church to the world.

Today is truly a great day to be an American...even if the Dow is going to fall a few hundred points today.

When the Wheels Come Off

2009-01-19T15:37:00.004-05:00

It is amazing how often I seem to need to be reminded of what I already believe. I teach, I preach that we cannot control anything. That the more we try the more we mess things up, the more we mess people up. Whether it is our families, our careers, our daily routine, or our lives themselves, the more we try to reign something (or someone) in and make it (or them) do what we want, the more quickly we lose control...and then the wheels come off.

It is this point where we get pissed off and frustrated with everything and everyone, including ourselves, and wonder what the hell we were doing, what on earth went wrong. We had it all figured out. We were going to drive to the mall to run some errands and got a flat tire, we went to pay for the cart full of groceries and found we left our wallet at home, we tell our kids how they should behave and they do the opposite every time. We try to quit smoking or drinking or lying and by the next day we are lighting up, pouring 18 year-old single malt scotch over ice, or telling our wife we were out with the guys.

We think we can change and do it right the next time, but we really can't, we do it again. We have the best intentions and somehow end up hurting those we love more than we do when we are not trying so hard.

This is why I need grace, I need forgiveness, I need a substitute. I know I sound like a broken record, but I need it so bad. I look out the window at the world where I am cursed and blessed in which to live. I balk. I stay in out of the cold, hide away from the challenges and defeats that await me, known and unknown, but sooner or later I step out and my only hope is that I am not alone. The only chance of reaching my destination is on account of a loving God whose word to me is, "You are my son, I love you, I forgive you, in you I am well pleased."

Trust in a loving God who does and can control all things and will always, whether I understand it or not, do it better than me is all I have to hold on to and it is all I need. Thank you Lord Jesus for loving me.

Calling Good Evil and Evil Good

2009-01-06T12:02:00.002-05:00

I was perusing the "Best of Craigslist" today and came across the posting CAT FOUND where someone apparently found a possum on their back porch and, thinking it was someone's lost cat, took it in and posted it on craigslist.

I have a hard time believing this post is legitimate, but it reminds me of how often I call possums cats, only when I do it, I am much less funny.

I see things in this world that disgust me, pain and suffering, natural disasters and war, extreme poverty and extreme wealth, and part of me questions the goodness of God because of them, but most of me accepts that I simply cannot understand the things of God. This has nothing to do with putting blinders on to the world or trying to ignore the reality and so-called "problem" of evil. It has everything to do with the realization that I get possums and cats mixed up all the time.

While I may not understand what God is doing in the world around me, I do know God has done inside of me. I am a wretched man and yet I am loved more than my feeble mind can comprehend. The same part of me that questions a loving God in this broken world is the same part of me that calls this love bad and clings to what I hate.

And so here I am, doing the best I can with what I've got, knowing that it is not good enough. Knowing that I am not an expert on cats or possums. Carried ever onward by the knowledge that I am loved on account of Jesus and declared a son of God.

Imputation

2009-01-05T13:57:00.003-05:00

Imputation is a strange word that theologians have used in attempt to describe the way we become righteous. It means that we are righteous because we are declared so on the basis of Jesus' merit alone. It is righteousness given to us. It is not righteousness we earn with God's help.

To be honest, I am not even sure I have defined it well, but definitions are usually less helpful than illustrations. So, here is today's story of imputation...

I am a newly ordained priest who for the first time is living his vocation as opposed to preparing for it. Now that I am here, I am terrified that I will not be a good priest. Terrified because I have invested so much in this. Terrified because I truly believe it to be my call. Terrified because it is the only thing that makes sense to me to do with my life...what if I can't cut it?

Today, I received a letter from a woman who has visited our church a few times. The letter was written to tell me I would be a wonderful priest, that she knew I became a priest for all the right reasons. I cannot describe in words the encouragement that she offered me through such a simple gesture. Anxiousness fell away, fear dissipated, and I am left with love and joy.

I didn't do anything to illicit such a response. She has little evidence of me being any good at this. There are many people better suited to make such a judgment and many of them may disagree with her conclusion, but she told me I would be a wonderful priest and it doesn't even matter if empirically speaking she is right, because it makes me so.

I may not be able to define imputation well, but I can say that this letter has made me a better priest than four years of seminary combined.

Digging Down Deep

2009-01-04T14:23:00.002-05:00

I had a remarkable experience of forgiveness last week. I was simply horrible to someone very dear to me and I was horrified. I hadn't acted that way toward someone in many years (if ever), and worse yet, it was toward someone I have only known a short while. I had no past hurts to draw upon to justify my action, nothing I could point to that would mitigate the offense. It was pure and simple meanness that came solely and completely from me, unprovoked and undeserved.

I rarely get upset or treat my friends badly, but when I am hurt I can be very nasty. It is only after this very unique experience where there was not any harm done or even intended that I realize I have forgotten a big piece of forgiveness, the undeserved and unmerited nature of it.

With so many of my friends and family forgiveness has become routine. Its weight and significance lessened because I have turned it into a quid pro quo rather than forgiveness. Instead of wiping the slate clean, the scales are balanced. Instead of loving, I am enduring. I start to think that I deserve to be forgiven because others are wronging me.

This is not the love or the forgiveness that God offers us through the merit of Jesus. There is never wrong done to me by God and there is always wrong done by me to God. Yet I am forgiven. The slate is wiped clean, my relationship is restored, and I am loved, declared a son of God, an heir with Jesus. I am not overwhelmed by anxiety wondering when I will go too far and sin too much and step outside the bounds of God’s forgiveness…I am simply forgiven. Loved.

This reality crushes me to the core, but I am distracted by my feeble imitation of “forgiveness.” And yet, there are moments like this past week when I am reminded of what I have actually been given and I can scarcely breathe. I am overwhelmed by love, by forgiveness, by grace.

So thank you K. for your inspired forgiveness and grace.

So Much Easier for Everyone Else

2008-12-22T12:32:00.004-05:00

Some of the things I write may come off as cynical or harsh. For example, in a previous post I mentioned how I am someone who cheats on his wife and works so much that he pushes his kids away and I don't even have a wife or kids.

I don't write these things to be facetious or to overstate my point, but to illustrate how deep our sin, my sin, actually goes. The actual manifestation is not what is important, it is the severity of our state that I hope to communicate.

I will try to explain...

I look around at the people around me and I only see a fraction of their life and know even less of the thoughts that go through their heads and hearts, yet I make judgements and come to conclusions about those people. Their marriages and relationships are so together and wonderful, their jobs are what I really want to be doing, their lives the ones I really want to live. Everything is so much easier for everyone else, but that is only because I am privy to all of my history and all my thoughts, so I know how hard this life really is.

I don't realize that there are others looking at my life and saying the same things..."man, I wish I was single and free like him," "his job is such a cake walk," "that is the life I want to be living." I am very talented at covering over the things I don't want others to see. I am a master of misdirection and deception. I don't even have to try, it just comes naturally. So we look at one another and think, "I wish I was more like them," because on the surface things are always pleasant and happy and easy. How else can we idolize and try to immitate the experience of countless celebrities who are in rehab, in their fourth marriage, and have kids with names like Apple? The further from actual contact with real people we are, the easier it is. It is the story of my life, of our lives.

The problem is that we live our lives deep down inside where no one really ever gets down to see. If they did, they wouldn't stick around very long, would they? That is where we live, that is where the troubles of a difficult life really lie and we want to escape, we want to be free and we are trapped.

I am, by nature, an object of wrath. I can cover most of it up, but it is there. The deep dark cravings of a sinner...but because of his great love for us, for me, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions - it is by grace that we are saved. (Eph 2:4-5) Amen!

On a Recent Jaunt Through "Our Town"

2008-12-18T14:38:00.002-05:00

I thought I would share a quote from Thornton Wilder's play "Our Town."

This is a scene from Act II. George is about to get married to Mr. Webb's daughter Emily and they are talking about marriage.

Mr. Webb:

George, I was thinking the other night about some advice my father gave me when I got married. Charles, he said, Charles, start out early showing who's boss, he said. Best thing to do is to give an order, even if it don't make sense; just so she'll learn to obey. And he said: if anything about your wife irritates you-her conversation, or anything-just get up and leave the house. That'll make it clear to her, he said. And, oh, yes! He said never, never let you wife know how much money you have, never.

George:

Well, Mr. Webb...I don't think I could...

Mr. Webb:

So I took the opposite of my father's advice and I've been happy ever since.

Ordination Charge

2008-12-17T17:19:00.002-05:00

Below is the charge given at the end of the sermon at my ordination. The sermon was given by The Right Rev. David C. Jones, Bishop Suffragan of the Diocese of Virginia. I am proud to be ordained and to serve in The Episcopal Church.

Kris, will you please stand.

You are called to exercise the office of priest in the Church of God.

As you go about this ministry, keep your heart and your mind on Jesus. Pray for his strength and power. Know that it is Jesus who will empower your ministry.

Let the Bible will be your guide and your inspiration and the source of your strength. Read your Bible. Mark your Bible. Love your Bible and the Lord of the Church.

Remember that your ministry will extend far beyond your congregation. You are part of the ministry of bringing Christ to all nations and peoples – that the name of Jesus may be known above all other names.

Prepare every day for ministry and the Lord will go before you and follow you. And at the end of the day when you go home, go home and entrust your ministry to the One who gave his life for our salvation.

So, as you move from altar to sick bed, from funeral home to wedding reception, from a baptism to sermon writing, and from a vestry meeting to a grieving person, know that you are about the ministry of the Lord, Jesus himself. In Him, you will find ultimate satisfaction and joy.

A Sense of Life

2008-12-17T11:54:00.004-05:00

One of my fellow priests came into my office just now. He is a retired priest with over 50 years in the Priesthood. He recently decided to scale back his responsibilities at the church and is looking to thin out his library. This is someone who has collected and read more books than I can even imagine and he feels it is time to pass a lot of them along and wants me to take a look at what I would like for my young collection.

It was a short friendly call about some old books, but it struck me. I have been a priest for a grand total of 4 days now and I am just getting started. Here is a man who has been a part of the ministry for more years than I can wrap my head around and his visit made think about what things must look like on the other side of things, where our lives are coming to a close and we can look back over decades of life lived, both good and bad.

I find myself feeling like I have lived a lot of life, but only have 10 or 15 years to really draw upon, but mostly I am looking ahead to what will happen in the future. Where will I be serving in 10 years, 20 years. Will it be in Pittsburgh? Will I be married and have kids? I want to have a family, but I don't even know if that is going to happen. It feels like all of life is still in front of me.

I think this and then I remind myself that I am in my life right now. It is all too easy to forget that very simple fact and instead fall into the trap of living in the future or in the past. It is a danger we all face at every stage in life...the temptation of "something else." If I can just... If I could have only... Why did I do it that way? Next time I will do it differently.

These questions will always plague us, but in the midst of it all my hope is to be able to celebrate the good, mourn the bad, and simply live life as it comes knowing at tall times that I am loved by a graceful and merciful God.

As Is

2008-12-15T00:34:00.003-05:00

I was sitting with a friend, excited to share what I feel to be one of my favorite songs by Ani DiFranco. I don't like it because the music is so great (it's catchy, but nothing unusual), but because in this simple song about accepting someone "as is" I find the encouraging words of God to us. This is not the intention of the song, but the reality of what it holds. A portion of the lyrics are copied below...

You can't hide behind social graces
So don't try to be all touchy feely
Cuz you've lie in my face of all places
But I got no problem with that really

What bugs me is that you believe what you're saying
What bothers me is that you don't know how you feel
What scares me is that while you're telling me stories
You actually believe that they are real

And I got no illusions about you
Guess what I never did
And when I said
When I said I'll take it
I meant
I meant as is

Just give up
And admit you're an asshole
You would be in some good company
And I think you'd find that your friends would forgive you
Or maybe I am just speaking for me

Chick Flicks

2008-12-11T17:29:00.005-05:00

I recently watched "P.S. I Love You" and loved it. I cannot say it was a particularly good movie, but I really enjoyed it because I enjoy all movies that romanticize love. I think it is because I know how bad at loving I really am and for two hours at a time I want to believe that I am different. That I am like the guy on the screen who loves the leading lady the way I want to love.

I want my dysfunction to be cute and funny like it is in the movies. I want all my fights to be only silly misunderstandings that we can all look back on and laugh. But they're not. My dysfunction comes from years of insecurity and sarcasm, from broken relationships and loss. My fights are because I can be a very mean person when I am hurt, because I want to win and be right so bad it is all I can focus on sometimes.

I am the one who leaves the dishes in the sink, and cheats on his wife, and works so much that his kids don't even want to see him anymore. That is who I am and so I enjoy disappearing into the cute and tragic world of Holly Kennedy and her late husband who helps her grieve his death...because one day I want someone to love me so much that their whole world is destroyed when I am gone.

It is this very same desire that draws me to the Lord, that makes me wake up everday and rejoice that I am a priest. Because I know that there is a God who loves me so much that he could not stand living without me. Even though I rejected all his advances and insisted that I was better off on my own, as my own god, he sent his Son to die for me that I might live.

Moving On...

2008-12-11T16:20:00.002-05:00

This week I handed in my resignation from a church called Three Nails. Three Nails has been around for five years. I was there when the idea of it first popped into existence and I will be there next week as its faithful members decide to close the doors.

It is times like these that a mixture of emotions swell up: failure, relief, frustration, but most of all, grief. The passing on of anything is hard, it is sad, and we usually want more than anything to try and reverse the process. I think this is why deciding to close a church is so difficult, there is always something to hold on to and always something worth fighting for, but when do you stop and accept that it is over.

This is where we have come. Some will say that we should not do this or allow this and a big part of me will agree. I think there have been, and still are, some great things about Three Nails that you don't find too many other places, but it is time.

To Mom and Dad...I Love You

2008-12-06T22:08:00.003-05:00

It is a typical Saturday night for me, winding down before I turn in early for a 6 a.m. start to my Sunday. I have recently finished my preparations for tomorrow and my mind can freely wander without quickly returning to what I am going to say in the morning.

This evening my thoughts turn to my family, my mom and dad in particular. I am finishing a glass of apple cider that isn't very good, but I appreciate all the same because mom and dad gave it to me. It was probably something left over from a church function that they didn't want and so sent home with me, but that doesn't matter. It is just one tiny example of the care they have taken in raising me as their child and tonight I find myself nearly in tears thinking about how thankful I am for them and how dearly I love them.

At one point this evening I thought about some of my friends who have lost one or both of their parents and my stomach ties in knots just thinking about being without them. I am a pretty stable person, with a good job, and a small army of loving friends, but I fear that even still I would barely hang on right now without them. Of course, like anyone else, I am sure I will get along without them when the time comes, but my world will be a little bleaker on that day.

I spent a lot of my life giving little credit to them and all the credit to God. It is not that God does not deserve the credit for my health, stability, and capability, but I would not have any of it without his gift of an incredible family. I have had all the opportunity in the world because of them and I will never come up with words to thank them strongly enough.

I cannot even imagine what life without them will be like. When I don't have the house I grew up in to go home to whenever I like. A place where I know I need worry about nothing. Home is an important concept for people and I know it better than most because I have a place where I will always be welcome, where I can always turn, where I will always belong.

This may be sappy and seem like something that does not belong on a blog for the world to see, but the thing is it isn't for the world, it's for them and this is the best way to send my love and my thanks...thank you mom and dad, I love you.

Why was I in such a hurry to grow up?

2008-11-21T14:31:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here at my computer, on my day off, trying to get about a thousand things done for work, life, finances, etc. and I am remembering how excellent I had it when I was still living at home at the ripe age of 17. I had a car that I could use anytime, money from a job I didn't need and only had because I wanted to work. There were no bills (at least not for me), the car would mysteriously become filled with gas, dinner would be there every night if I wanted it, I saw my friends everyday, and never had more than a few pages to read or write for homework. All this for the low, low price of getting up at 6:30 every morning (something I am glad to say I only have to do on Sundays now) and occasionally being told I couldn't do something (and as I look back, it was rare that those occasions were unreasonable restrictions)...and I hated it.

I couldn't wait to get out of there, to be out on my own and living life by my own terms and here I am. I have a job that pays the bills and then some, a place of my own, a car (that I now fill with gas), and I am thinking that life wasn't so bad. It is not that life isn't better in its own way now than it was then. I can actually say I love my parents and my sister and want to see them all the time now that I have had some distance. I am able to live independently and I am able to make my own decisions. It is wonderful, the only shame is that it took until now to start realizing how good I had it growing up.

I am sure you are not like me, but I take so much for granted in my life. It is a shame it takes so much distance to appreciate what I have and what I had.

Advent: The Coming of the Lord

2008-11-12T11:30:00.000-05:00

People in the early church expected Jesus to come back during their lifetime. They believed that the pain of this world was coming to an end at any minute. Day after day they waited, they worshipped together and went to bed every night expecting it to be the last time. A couple decades passed and Jesus had not returned, so they started writing down the teachings and stories about him that other generations could carry on the truth of the gospel. Those decades turned into centuries and the church started creating liturgies, prayers, and seasons to help teach the masses of people who were becoming Christians. Those centuries turned into two millennia and now we have an Advent season that reminds us that the Christ child came to us in a manger in Bethlehem, but that is not the primary story Advent is meant to recall.

Advent is a season for us to remember that Jesus is coming again in glory to judge the living and the dead. That the suffering and tragedy of this life will end in peace and joy and fulfillment. It is to remind us of the expectation of the early church, the kind of expectation that causes the whole of Creation to groan and yearn for the Son of God to be revealed (Rom 8:19), the kind of expectation that is not dulled by 2000 years of waiting because we hold onto it as our greatest and last hope for salvation.

A Sense of Magic

2008-10-15T12:00:00.001-04:00

For the past few weeks I have been presenting the gospel through The Chronicles of Narnia. Some of you may be very familiar with them. You may have read them growing up or even read them to your own children. They are wonderful stories. We love them as children because they are set in the fantastic realm of Narnia where normal everyday children become Kings and Queens and rule by love. It is a world not without evil, but a world where good triumphs in the end. It is not a world where everyone lives “happily ever after,” but it is a place where true joy can be found.

I think one of the reasons children are so drawn to such stories is that they connect with the sense of magic and wonder hidden within their pages. Sadly, when we grow up most of us forget about the magic of our world. We go to college and get jobs and raise families and quickly encourage our children to grow up.

There is a reason Peter Pan never wanted to grow up.

In our world, growing up means leaving behind the magic and wonder of childhood, but I don’t know if that is for the best. One of the passages that I am constantly trying to wrap my mind around is Mark 10:15 where Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” There are many aspects of children that Jesus is evoking here to illuminate how to receive the message of the Kingdom, but one in particular that we often overlook is that children still believe in magic. In part, this passage means to call us back to a time when we would check the wardrobe in our grandmother’s house to see if a different world lay beyond its walls.

Whenever I read The Chronicles or see Aslan on the big screen, tears come to my eyes. Part of it is nostalgia for another age, another world, but mostly it is the reminder that magic is real. Not the fireball and lightning kind of magic, but the power of a loving God kind of magic.

I would like to posit that our world is one just like Narnia, that our world is one with magic and a sense of the fantastic. That our world is where good triumphs over evil and where true joy can be found, where we are called to be Kings and Queens and to rule with love. We must only look to the truth in our situation (that we are loved unconditionally) and refuse to believe the lie (that we are worthless) and a world of infinite possibility emerges and welcomes us in for the feast.

The Difficulty of Inclusion

2008-10-14T12:13:00.004-04:00

I am a Christian with beliefs ranging from moderate to conservative, but I am also under 30, so the postmodern heritage I have grown into also frees me up to be less exclusive than many other conservatives I have encountered.

That said, the issues raised by full inclusion of all faiths and lifestyles into the church are more difficult for me than for some others. While I try to make room for all beliefs, sexual orientations, etc in my life and worship, I find that there is an underlying truth to the whole picture founded in the person of Jesus and that just any old belief simply won't cut it. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in the uniqueness of Jesus and his work in the world. I am very attracted to ideas of inclusion, I wonder if Jesus' death was sufficient for all regardless of whether we have heard the name of Jesus or said the sinner's prayer, but I can't help but feel it dishonest to claim inclusivity while holding to a firm belief that Jesus is the only way.

There seems to be different views of what it really means to be inclusive. I take it to mean the Kingdom of God and the invisible church, may be a little bigger than conservatives appreciate. This seems to be different from the inclusion of ideas that seems to take precedence in the church. I think that there is much to learn from other faiths, people, ideas, and struggles, but only as far as it leads us deeper in the knowledge of God. So often it seems like there is an agenda to the message of inclusion and I fear that it will lead us astray from what we started out seeking in the first place.

Can the church include all sides while encouraging actual conversation between differing parties? I understand that Pat Robertson will not be sitting down to tea with Bishop Spong anytime soon, but can we learn from both sides, or is our "inclusion" just a cover for our own political leanings?

One Body, Many Parts

2008-09-30T12:20:00.005-04:00

I was talking with a parishoner today and a thought came to mind of a trend I have begun to notice in the church. The tendency that we have as people, and especially as Christians, to desire similarity. The church is a diverse place and it needs to be so or we will not have the flexibility and grace to worship and live with those who are different than we are.

I have spoken a number of times with people in the church who are exasperated by how few others are doing the things that they value, "I volunteer down at the soup kitchen and no one else wants to come down with me from the church," or "I was the only person who noticed so-and-so, a newcomer this Sunday, and welcomed them." These are common statements. I completely understand their sentiment. My heart often feels the same way, "If only they would..."

I wonder if what we are really saying is, "Why can't they be more like me and value the same things as I value?" The problem with this thinking may be obvious, but as Christians, we tend to couch it in Christian terms and think, "Christians should want to help the poor at the soup kitchen, where are they?" and "Why isn't everyone welcoming the newcomers?" They certainly seem like fair statements. Jesus said we should care for the poor and so we should do things like serve at a soup kitchen. We as a church want to be welcoming so we should make a point to notice new people, right?

What we often fail to realize is that more often than not, the soup kitchen is located in a church and staffed by Christians. Our view of the church and of Christians can be very myopic and we forget that the church is much bigger than we can often see. Should we invite others to serve with us in what we do? Of course, but let us remember that there is one body that is the church and it has many parts. If we are a "hand" it is easy to forget that an "eye" would not serve the church better by trying to be a "hand" like us.

Jesus has set us free of the punishment we deserve on account of the law. He has suffered for us and we have died with him in and been raised to new life in our baptism. We serve as the Spirit moves in us to serve. That is always going to be different than how another is moved...that is okay. It has to be okay or soon enough we will start to expect everyone to be a "hand" or an "eye." This is what Paul is protesting when he says:

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.' On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indespensable, and on those parts of the body we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require." (1Cor 12:21-24)

Jesus said a lot of things about how we ought to live, but over all of his command we must remember his description of the Kingdom, "So the last shall be first and the first last." (Matt 20:16). The things of God are confusing and most often the opposite from the way we think they "ought" to be. We quickly overlook ourselves when asking why those in the church are not doing something we think they should. We ask why no one is doing it forgetting that we are (I assume). And if we are doing it, then maybe we can relax a little and take comfort in the fact that God has not forgotten the least of these in our church and that he, through us, is caring for his people and the world he loves and has created.

Compromise?

2008-09-16T11:08:00.004-04:00

I have heard quite a few sermons and talks making the point that we cannot compromise as Christians. In particular, that we cannot compromise our beliefs. That no matter what we come up against our beliefs are the root of our faith and that we must hold to them even when it is extremely difficult to do so.

I have been thinking about this a little and I am coming to the conclusion that such thinking is ridiculous. First of all, the root of our faith is not our belief, but Jesus, the Savior of the world who came as man and God to die for our sins and be raised again. Period.

Second, how can we as Christians live together without compromise? I am not just talking about our basic disagreements in life, I am talking specifically about our beliefs and theology. To be uncompromising in our beliefs is to assume that we have everything right. This would mean that we all agree on the same interpretation of scripture and are absolutely 100% correct. That we have truth nailed down.

I can tell you right now, those people are out of their minds if they think that. Look at Acts 15 and the Jerusalem Council. The church has existed for very little time and already two of their major leaders are arguing over their beliefs. Paul and Peter do not agree theologically on how to deal with the Gentiles. Both think they are right and the incredible story ends with a compromise. Something that both can agree on because it is rooted in the primary truth of Christ, which allows the other issues to fade into the background.

I would like to propose that compromise is exactly what the church needs more of today. Because I have found that when we compromise, we are finding the true root of our faith and finding a way to work the other stuff, the non-essentials, around the central truth of Christ crucified and raised again. We do not need teachings about not compromising because if we have responded to the love and power and grace of God in Christ, the no one needs to tell us not to compromise because we are ready to go to hell and back over that truth. It is how we translate that truth into the everyday life of the church that desperately needs compromise, not the truth itself.

We are facing terrible tragedies in the Episcopal tradition these days and they are happening, in part, because of this idea that we cannot ever compromise our beliefs. It is a shame because it means we have missed the point.

Forgiveness in Matthew 18

2008-09-08T17:37:00.007-04:00

As a child I remember having a clear sense of justice. When that instinct was violated I became very upset. I cannot remember any teachings about reconciliation (a very popular term these days), but I do remember how it was supposed to work. If someone offended, they should come to their senses and apologize. The victim of offense would then forgive them.

When I was in High School, our youth group had a different method. We called it keeping "short accounts." In this model the person offended would go to the offender and let them know they hurt us and they in turn were supposed to apologize. This would keep offenses from piling up and clear the air before accounts could grow too large. It may sound familiar because this is essentially what is described in last week's Gospel passage (Matt 18:15-20).

While I remember being very good about going to my fellow disciples and expecting them to apologize for hurting me, it was much harder for me to forgive when they came to me. People would come up to me and expect me to apologize for the silliest things. I was happy to apologize when I actually did something mean or hurtful, but just because someone came up and said I hurt them didn't mean I had done anything wrong, right? They were just being "too sensitive."

Wow, is that a phrase I have come to hate more than just about any other..."you're being too sensitive." I am convinced this is a sinner's crutch; I am convinced this is my crutch. I use it to justify my desire to be righteous and to be clear of offense. Someone says I have offended and I can brush them aside because they are simply being "too sensitive."

"Too sensitive" is a phrase we use because we are steeped in unforgiveness. We are entirely ready to take the high ground and forgive others. But when we are told we have sinned, that we must cede the high ground and no one likes that. "I had no intention of hurting you," we might say. We think to ourselves that we would not have gotten upset by what we had done. We are content to know that we have "done unto others as we would have them do unto us." (Matt 7:12) The problem is we forget that two chapters earlier Jesus also said, "Be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)

"Peter came and said to Jesus, 'Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.'" (Matt 18:21-22)

Forgiveness is hard, and the forgiveness that God demands is impossible. Jesus goes on from this passage to tell a story of a man who was forgiven much and yet refused to forgive one who owed him little. This unforgiving man was tortured until he paid back all that he owed. An amount so staggering that it would have been impossible for him to comply.

The point of the parable is simple. We should forgive others and not hold grudges, end of story right? Thankfully, the story does not end there because that conclusion leaves us hopeless. This "moral of the story" is impossible to attain. If we walk away from this parable with the message that because God forgives us we must then forgive others, we are lost.

We are humans and thus sinners who are unable to forgive as we have been forgiven. And in our unforgiveness we incur the wrath of a righteous God, to be tortured until we have repaid all we owe.

If the Law and its requirements were all we were left with, that would be the end of the story and we would pass through life hopeless. But thankfully, with Law comes Gospel. Because God is a forgiving and loving God, he sent his son that in our death we may have life.

From the cross Jesus says, "Father, forgive them, for the know not what they do," and that is exactly what he does. Our sins...forgiven. Your sins...forgiven. My sins...forgiven. Period.

He does not even wait for us to ask. Before we go looking to settle our accounts, short or long...forgiven. Before our mouths can even form the words,"I'm sorry"...forgiven. In our wretchedness...forgiven. In our death...forgiven.

It's Time

2008-09-08T17:33:00.004-04:00

I have not posted in over a year and before that my time here was spotty at best. I started this blog four years ago to process the incredible things I was learning at seminary.

Now, having graduated from seminary, been ordained, and taken a call to a wonderful church in Pittsburgh and I feel the urge to begin writing again.

Kris+

I Am Alright...Thanks for your Calls

2007-08-02T15:03:00.000-04:00

I was not on the bridge when it collapsed here in Minneapolis. I work very close to the University where it happened, but was at work at the time (working late). I was on the bridge with my family a couple days earlier, so there is an added weight to the disaster for me, but we are all fine.

Thank you everyone for your calls, I am sorry I did not post earlier or send out an email. I didn't even think of it since I had already spoken to so many people on the phone.

I can't wait to be home and see everyone. Take care. Remember, picinic at my parent's place for labor day!

K

Disappointing God

2007-06-13T21:05:00.000-04:00

A question for anyone who might be bothered to ponder it...

Can we disappoint God? Can we let him down?

We can certainly fall short of his wishes for us and we seem to be in constant rebellion against him, but those are the things we do or fail to do. Those are our failings, they do not dictate his response to us. When we are let down by a loved one, our disappointment is our response to an unmet expectation. We thought they were going to do something and they did not or we thought they were not going to do something and they did it. The disappointment is what we bring to the table when expectations are not met.

Here is an example...Three Nails (the community that I am a part) is having a potluck dinner and I send out an invitation (usually an evite) asking people to respond and include what kind of dish they are bringing if they plan to come, thus ensuring that we will have a variety of food. Now, if this is the first time I have planned a potluck, I might expect everyone who is coming to respond to the evite and include a dish and then I might assume that everyone who come is going to bring that dish. The reality may be that only half of the people who come had responded and of those people only 75% brought a dish and only half of those were actually dishes that people said they were bringing. At this point I have been let down and I am disappointed and frustrated with much of the community that has gathered. On the other hand if this is the 20th time I have organized such an event, I would have no such illusions as to the outcome and would be planning on some folks not bringing a dish or bringing something other than what they had said they would bring. I would be much less likely to feel disappointed or let down in this case.

So the question now becomes, "Does God expect anything more that what we have to offer?"

I believe the answer to that question is a simple "no." He loves us and we respond to that love, nothing more. He knows what we are bringing nothing to the table, that is why he sent his son to die for us.

I could springboard off of this and go on for hours, but I will spare you; I have already written quite enough. I will leave you with these thoughts and offer the conclusion that we cannot disappoint God and allow anyone who would like to comment to do so.

The Importance of Spiritual Disciplines

2007-04-25T10:49:00.000-04:00

So, I am at this conference in Florida that will go unnamed (the wifi at this place blocked my blog, I must have sworn in it somewhere) and the first speaker was fine, but said the same thing that every speaker I have ever heard talk about church growth has said, "The key to being an effective minister is personal quiet times." I am going to go ahead and take the liberty to include all spiritual "disciplines" into this statement...and for the record, this particular speaker set the bar at a 1 hour daily quiet time.

The focus of this particular talk was that we, as ministers, need to be at the feet of the master and in the word in order to have the kernels of wisdom needed to minister effectively. That we can gain lifetimes of wisdom by learning from the testimony of the scriptures.

Seems like a fine talk, one that most of us in Christian circles have probably heard numerous times...here is my issue: All we need to minister effectively is the Spirit working within us and through us at the behest of the Father on account of Christ's death on the cross and subsequent resurrection. Reading the Bible, Prayer, Fasting, etc. are all good things that are necessary to the life of the believer, but they are not things we do in order to gain Christ. And if we are talking about ministering effectively, what else do we need to minister well? If there is anything we need to do beyond responding to the call of the cross in order to be used by God, then we are screwed.

The Spiritual "disciplines" are not disciplines at all, they are not something we train ourselves to do becuase we do not get anything from doing them. Let me say that again, we do not get anything from doing the spiritual disciplines . We sit at the feet of the Lord in prayer, fasting, and we read his word purely for his sake, not ours. We do it in response to the incredible, generous, and totally undeserved love that he has first shown us. It is only on account of his first loving us that we can ever hope to come to him in worship. Any benefit we perceive getting out of these actions are benefits that we have already freely received on account of God's work, not ours, regardless of whether or not we read the Bible, pray, or fast.

Firefly/Serenity

2007-04-18T14:11:00.000-04:00

Alright, I must tell the world about this. If you want to know about leadership development and what a true priest, pastor, leader looks like, watch the "Firefly" series. It was put out by FOX a few years back and only lasted a season becuase they never gave what may be the most important show of all time a chance.

If you want a movie about the power and necessity of love and our lack of control (even as Christians) over sin, then watch the movie "Serenity," that came out as a conclusion to the series (hopefully there will be more to come, but who knows).

The movie has all the same characters as the series and it is wonderful. Give it a shot, especially if you have Netflix. Well worth your time.

If you watch it and love it and want to talk about it. Email me or respond here and we will talk. It is incredible and a tremendous resource for the church.

Are We Able to Let Go?

2007-04-17T11:57:00.000-04:00

We are seeing a continuing shift of center of the Christian Church. More and more of our brothers and sisters in Africa and Asia are coming to know the Lord while the Western church communities are in decline.

Along these lines, there is an excellent opportunity offered by an African theologian Kwame Bediako in his book, Christianity in Africa. Bediako suggests that the shift in the Church is not from the West to the South and East, but a shift to include them.

The universal church does not need a linear unidirectional theology eminating from one center, but a pattern of centers understanding theology in context and culture creating an overlapping system of theology that makes room for different perspectives and understandings.

I think this is of the utmost importance for us in the West because if we are not willing to let go of our staunch propositional beliefs and our hold of the center of our faith, then we are going to be left behind instead of joining in the ever increasing universality of God's Church as described in Rev 7.

I hope we can let go of our own agendas and really ask ourselves if we can trust that God is just as much in the midst of communities in different cultures and traditions. Can we really let go and be a unified Church? And if we are able to accept the beliefs and interpretations of those in other countries, can we also do that for those here at home? Are we willing to let go of control and allow belief in Jesus to be the basis for our communion? Or are we going to make dogma the basis?

What If We're Wrong?

2007-04-09T22:01:00.000-04:00

I continue to go over the issues plaguing The Episcopal Church. I consider the looming split in our communion over the issue of sexuality (and I am convinced it is an issue of sexuality and not an issue of the authority of scripture) and I wonder why the Communion cannot even entertain the idea that we may be wrong.

We no longer worry about whether someone has been baptized more than once, we are simply concerned that they are baptized. We believe that only one baptism is necessary, but if the church decided that we must be baptized again as adults, would we split over it?

The Trinity is one of the most confusing doctrines in the church, if some of us decided we believed in modalism, would we split?

These are issues that were such a big deal to the early church that they wrote responses into the creeds and yet now I doubt it would create the crisis that we have today.

What if we're wrong?

When Did Church Growth Become the Focus?

2007-03-28T14:08:00.000-04:00

I have spent most of my Christian life convinced that the most important factor in a church is growth. Everyone insists that numbers are not what is important, but it is all we care about. There is no way around the fact that ministers with congregations of 4000 feel better about themselves and their ministries than those with 40 people. Something must be wrong with the community if it is not growing, right? If there is not multiplication or growth then someone is not doing their job or some strategy or approach is not working, right? IF this is the case, it is time for a new pastor, right? Is that not the impression most people get? The pastor's job is to "get it done."

When did church growth become the focus of our Christian communities and, more importantly, of our pastors?

We are told to bear good fruit by Paul, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” (Galatians 5:22-23). There is nothing in this list about more Christians or church growth. How do we get from this description of fruit to an understanding of fruit being people (see also Eph 5:9)?

What about the Great Commission, "As you are going make disciples of all nations, baptizing in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey all that I have commanded" (Matt 28:19-20). Make 2, 5, 500? When I think of Jesus' life I do not think of chruch growth. I can think of a number of situations where he was less than sympathetic to some who were interested in his message. Jesus seemed to be much more concerned with his 12 and especially his 3 than he was with growth. I have heard stories of whole stadiums of people being converted in a couple hours at evangelical rallies. Surely Jesus could have converted the whole world in the 3 years of his ministry or at the very least the 33 years of his life? Why didn't he?

What about the Great Commandments? “And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39). Doesn't sound much like church growth to me.

Let me be clear, I am not saying that church growth is unimportant, nor am I saying that God does not care about an increase in the Kingdom. Of course he does. What I am asking is why our pastors and priests focus so much on strategies and methods and ways to grow our churches and why they (we) stress out so much about how many people are coming to church?

Maybe the question can be asked simply, "Why do we default to church growth as our litmus test?" If we are part of a loving, joyful, and peacful congregation, but are not seeing growth, why do we immediately think something is wrong? Do we leave room for God to be in control and consider that we do not see the bigger picture?

Control is at the heart of this issue I am conviniced. I can think of nothing more contrary to the gospel than control. If we are God's servants who desire God to be in control of our lives and the world, then any attempts by us to maintain or take that control is outright rebellion. Why are we strategizing so much about church growth and correcting the weaknesses in our communities that limit church growth? Why are we continually looking at the biggest and "most successful" churches to see how they do it? How does that have anything to do with being the church? (I am indebted to PZ on this point, thank you).

What if we believed that pastors and priests are called to the ministries that they are a part of? What if we believed that God was in control of our lives and our churches? What if we believed that church growth was his department? What if our desire was not church growth, but to be faithful in the little things of each day? What if we actually did not worry about tomorrow, but let it worry about itself (Matt 6:34)? What if we gave up on our 5 year, 10, year, 50 year strategic goals and instead focused on love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control? What then?

Educating Ourselves Out of the Kingdom

2007-02-07T16:13:00.000-05:00

I recently spoke at a Junior High retreat where I was responsible for communicating the gopsel message to a group of teenagers. By the end of the retreat there was an opportunity to say yes to the gospel (pretty standard formula) and many responded.

Often times, at retreats like these someone will tell those who made "first time decisions" that if they died tomorrow they would now go to heaven. This statement is made assuming that they do not stop following Jesus or believing that he is Lord. This is the context into which I was first introduced into the Kingdom of God and while I have my own issues with it, I do not deny that this kind of experience affected the outcome of my life completely and totally.

Flash forward to adulthood.

We now have huge divisions in the Church over sexuality (especially the Episcopal tradition). We even find ourselves saying that those who believe that same-sex unions are valid and God ordained are not Christians and do not follow Jesus anymore. The funny thing is, many of them probably came into the Church much like those kids this weekend and much like me. When they told us we were going to heaven as long as we continued to follow Jesus, it wasn't dependent upon our interpretation of passages in Leviticus or Romans about sexuality, it was on our interpretation of certain passages in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John (and some less controversial passages in Romans).

I am finding a discrepancy in the reasoning of the Evangelical tradition that tells a seventh grader, "if you were to die tomorrow you would go to heaven," and then tells them when they are adults, "you think homosexuality is okay so you cannot be a Christian, you clearly do not believe in the authority of scripture or Jesus." What about the verses in Leviticus about wearing clothes of two materials or those in Corinthinas and Timothy about women in ministry? How can we be so quick to cast people out of the church when they have not renounced Jesus or his forgiveness on account of his death and resurrection? Are there not things we do now that we will find out later were sinful even though we thought the Bible was okay with it? Does that mean we no longer love Jesus and that we can no longer be part of the same church or serve under their authority if they happen to be a bishop?

If this is the way we are going to handle the church entrusted to us, maybe those evangelical retreats need to be long enough to make sure new believers know every correct interpretation of the scriptures before they leave the building. Since this is not possible by any means, should we then start telling them that they need to make sure they come up with the right interpretation as they study the scriptures and walk through life lest they run the risk of educating themselves out of the Kingdom?

We need to trust that God is in control of his church and that those who faithfully follow him will be led into all truth. Otherwise we are lost.

The Wheat and the Chaff

2007-01-12T11:16:00.000-05:00

"The people were waiting expectantly and were all wondering in their hearts if John might possibly be the Christ. John answered them all, “I baptize you with water. But one more powerful than I will come, the thongs of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire. His winnowing fork is in his hand to clear his threshing floor and to gather the wheat into his barn, but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire.” And with many other words John exhorted the people and preached the good news to them." (Luke 3:15-17)

This is always preached as Jesus separating people from other people as he separates the wheat from the chaff. I find that Protestants (myself included) seem to be very ready to separate people and judge between who are Christians and who are not and this is one of the passages I find used in this way more often than not.

The thing about this passage is that John is responding to people who desire the Messiah and who desire to repent. They are tax collectors and soldiers (the dregs of Jewish society) coming out to see John and inquire about him. There is no rebuke here, there is only the preaching of the good news.

What if this passage is not talking about the judgment of people as much as the ultimate separation from our fleshly, sinful selves from our holy sanctified selves on the last day. What if the winnowing fork is not separating the sheep from the goats, but rather the holy and redeemed us from the sinful and dark us once and for all.

As far as the analogy is concerned, it makes more sense, doesn't it? The wheat and the chaff are part of one plant, just as the good and the bad are part of one person. There are not Christians destined for glory walking around with sinners damned to hell hanging on them awaiting separation. Instead, there are people who desire God and who seek him out and they will find him because he wants to be found. On the last day there will be a judgment and there are plenty of passages to talk about that, but why not take this one to talk about the freedom that Christ brings to separate us from our darkness that destroys us?

I Have Failed My Fellow Man

2006-11-03T18:44:00.000-05:00

I had the opportunity and pleasure to be seated with the 141st Diocesan Convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh. I was an non-voting member, but was given a voice on the floor. I regret that in the flurry of the debate and motions of amendment on Resolution 1 (Diocesan Request for alternative Primatial oversight) I did not use that voice.

The Diocese of Pittsburgh is overwhelmingly conservative and orthodox in its theology. There was no chance that the resolution to seek alternative Primatial oversight was going to be rejected.

A spokesperson for the twelve non-consenting, more liberal, parishes in the Diocese, motioned for an amendment to the resolution that would have provided these twelve parishes the opportunity to remain in Region 3 of the Episcopal Church and to continue to give their regional assessment contribution to the national church as opposed to another Anglican Archdiocese. There were actually two amendments that were proposed that offered this provision and both were rejected with little discussion. I was tremendously disappointed.

These people were simply asking for a concession to be recognized and permitted to continue to walk with the national church while our diocese actually breaks canonical law (so far as I can tell) and they were given no provision.

What distresses me is that those who voted against these amendments today were the same people whom I stood with at General Convention 2003 while those in power (the liberal arm of the church) granted no concession to a weak and powerless conservative voice. I remember our outcry at the decisions made and feeling like we were disregarded out of hand and given no real voice or provision. Now, I find the same situation where we have the opportunity to set the record straight and all I witnessed was what can only be considered as an incredible bout of amnesia. In this Diocese, we are the ones with the power and we refused to concede our ground to the powerless. Depressing to say the least.

This post is a call for the church to stand with the weak and powerless. A call for us all to remember that we are a people who are great on account of our meekness. A people who are strong in our weakness. And this only because our Lord himself took on flesh and was discounted, deserted, tortured, and killed in order that we may share in his victory.

I take the lead of one of my most dear mentors, that it is only when the powerful lay down their rights and power for the powerless that true reconciliation can be achieved.

My First True Regret

2006-06-25T00:37:00.000-04:00

A bit of a forward...I am not sure what I think about regrets at this point in my life. I am not sure if I regret everything in my life or nothing at all and I am not sure what the better outlook is (if one is better than another). On one hand I do regret all the bad decisions I have made, but in a larger sense of who I am today because of God's grace in all of the decisions I have made and all the actions I have taken.

That said, I feel that this week has left me with my first true regret. It has put my life in a whole new perspective. This week I realized that there is going to be no chance for any real reconcilliation between Kathryn and I do not know how to accept it. Something I have always held onto is that reconcilliation is always possible, even in the worst of situations. My experiences have given me hope that no matter how badly a relationship is damaged, there is a hope for redemption. Today I realized that hope is all but hopeless. It is difficult to sort though.

The Boys of Summer (aka I Like Like Summer)

2006-05-07T13:27:00.000-04:00

Before last night's show, it had been almost a year since I had last seen Like Summer in concert. That show at The Quiet Storm was one of a kind. We just sat there listening as they were allowed to play well beyond their original set. They just kept on going, taking requests and playing without worry, songs they hadn't practiced in years. That was a good night for me. Just like yesterday was a good night for me.

Since their beginnings, Like Summer has been one of those bands whose history has always been intertwined with my life. There isn't a show or a song that doesn't take me back to a beautiful time in my life and I love it. There is a nostalgia in their shows that sometimes causes me to drift off and stop paying attention at times. I can't quite describe it. Their music will never get old for me. It will always take me back to the first summer after I graduated where I lived with the band on Jane Street in the South Side while they stumbled into the Pittsburgh music scene. It will take me back to the times when at any given moment you could pick up one of two or three guitars that were resting against the wall downstairs and start playing. Times of Steve and I standing in the kitchen making some milk-free dinner while we talked about who knows what. Times of private concerts in our upstairs room while Steve played through some of his new songs.

So last night when we partied at Peter's house and eventually sat down to an intimate sing along with Steve and Ben, it was just like old times listening to the songs from back when you only had to go upstairs to hang out with any of them.

Maybe I am just a groupie. I don't know. But everytime I see the Boys of Summer play, it is a good day.

Blessings and Encouragement

2006-04-28T12:40:00.000-04:00

I just posted on the Three Nails website about a most curious experience. The post is called "For Thereby You Have Entertained Angels Unawares". You can read about my last day with David there. I am posting it here because I want to share the story with more people and becuase I want to expand a little on my own personal experiences these past few months in a venue that is not as sensitive as the three nails blog.

The past few months have been miserable for me in many ways. It has simply been very difficult to get on between all the different jobs and school and the ordination process, etc. It is only this past week or so that I have felt like I have been coming out of it in some regards. This last 24 hours have been some of the most encouraging time that I can remember. I have been feeling like we have been "playing church" more than being the church. That half of the people I know want us to fail because we arent doing things right and the other half are looking to us as the hope for the future church and we are here just trying to be real and authentic Christians in a dark and broken world.

It is tough when you feel like you are spinning your wheels and that all you have is not good enough. David's visit and encouragement is incredible. For him to say that we are an honest, real group of people who do our religion a great service is the kind of statement that drives the soul onward. For him to take notes during Megan's life story and initially believe that she was only going to be honest to a point and then for her to launch into the gritty details leaving him with nothing negative to say about it is refreshing.

I know what we have to offer the world...the cross and Christ crucified, but many times it feels that we are not really offering that. The days that God reminds us that we are still walking his path are good days.

Questions of Call

2006-01-12T16:03:00.000-05:00

So, as of late last month I am an aspirant of the Diocese of Pittsburgh and I have my Postulancy interviews in March. I find it ironic that now that I have finally gotten around to starting the process I am questioning my call more than ever...maybe that is not quite right. I cannot say that I am actually questioning my call. I still know this is where the Lord is leading me, but the commitments that I have right now are starting to wear on me. The three jobs on top of my full-time school load is too much, I don't see how I can cut back anytime soon.

I cannot stop school if I ever want to finish the ordination process that I recently started and I cannot pay for school even with the two paying jobs that I have now. So I am piling up debt in order to finish school, so that I can be ordained, so that the church that I am helping to pastor (my third job albeit unpaid) can be permitted to celebrate the sacraments properly within the Episcopal tradition from which we were born.

This is all in addition to trying to figure out if I should propose to the woman I am dating (I can write that here, it is no secret). She keeps getting the short end of the stick because she is the only commitment without a deadline. As harsh and insensitive as that sounds it is the truth. I am having a hell of a time with the fact that I am that man that does not have time for his family.

Well, sorry that my only post in a month is a bitchfest, but sometimes you need to put some things out there and this is where I do it. For those looking for more theological discussion, I am sure that will come in the following weeks. I am taking a January intensive this next week on the theology of Paul, which will foster some good conversation.

When Did I Stop Believeing in Magic?

2005-12-12T13:04:00.000-05:00

I saw the first installment of the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday with Three Nails and I found myself holding back tears on a number of occasions. The interesting thing is that it was not at the "emotional" times. It was not the plot that shook me up. It was the setting and the portrayal of Narnia. Everytime the Pevensies stepped through the wardrobe I was overwhelmed becuase I found myself watching a well imagined world of fantasy. A world that I know does not exist and yet a world that I believe does exist. In many of Lewis' books he depicts a supernatural/spiritual world as a foil to our natural/physical world. A world that may not be true, but portrays truth all the same. As I was watching this particular depiction, I started remembering all of the things that I believed when I was little. All of the imaginary things that I later found out did not exist. It made me sad becuase I knew that I had stopped believing in magic.

I worship a God who is beyond what I can test by taste and touch and smell. I worship a God who is king over all of the universe and over all the heavens. I worship a God who has created all that I see out of nothing and this God does not make sense if I ascribe strictly to the world of "reality."

I was touched by so many parts of the Narnia because it reminded me that I do believe in things unseen. I cried becuase I do believe in the deep magic that has set me free from death.

I hope that I never forget because depression and death are all that await me in the world of "pure science."

Feeding the Poor

2005-12-04T22:20:00.000-05:00

Dreamer gave me a call the other day to say he was out of jail and to ask for some money.

Dreamer is someone I met a couple of years ago who has been living on the streets since he was 14. He has a history of drug abuse and has had a very rough go at life. Dreamer stayed with us at Jane Street for a couple months before heading down to Florida for the winter (he spent Christmas with my family at my grandmother's...that was interesting). I have run into him on multiple occasions since then that have been a little more than "coincidence." God's hand has been on our relationship since it began. Until this week, he had never asked me for money.

He called to ask for some money for some basic needs stuff. Of course, being the good Christian steward of my money, I asked him if there were things I could buy him so that I did not have to send money. I have been conditioned to never give money because of course they (by "they" I mean the homeless and destitute) are going to buy drugs and alcohol. So, instead we give food and blankets and other necessities so that they can use the money other people give them for drugs and alcohol...but at least our conscience is clear.

I am sick of trying to justify that model against the model that Christ gave us. Give to those who ask of you...There are no stipulations. Sure, you can tell me that that was a different time under different circumstances as today, but the reality is that the command was to love and to give generously. The truth is that I have plenty of addictions that I use my money to feed daily. They may not be drugs and alcohol, they may not appear so sinister, but they are destroying me all the same.

What would happen if we started spending some of the money we use to feed our shopping, food, and entertainment addictions to actually give to the poor in an unpatronizing way. There is no way that I could talk to Dreamer today and tell him that I will send him anything but money and it not be completely patronizing. Here is a man whom I know, a man who comes to my house every time he is in town, a man that was totally honest with me as to why he got thrown in prison, a man who until now has never asked me for money, a man who greatly desires to be free of his addiction. God forbid, but I am going to give him some money. I can't keep self-righteously judging everyone that I see on the street anymore. It is getting hard to sleep at night.

Quote "Stepping Out in Faith"

2005-12-02T20:44:00.000-05:00

The idea of "stepping out in faith" has come up in a couple different contexts this past week and I it is intrinsically connected with the concept that in our spiritual walks we meet God halfway. I have heard people talk about this so many times and I admit that I have described life like this myself, but I am coming to realize how deceptive and destructive this mindset is.

I have noticed in my interactions with my friends that this kind of thinking leads to one of two ends: agnosticism/atheism or depression. Here is my line of thinking...

In my experience there is some point in the life of every Christian (who believes that God meets them halfway) when they bottom out. They begin to feel that God is not there. In my experience, this leads to one of two places, either they believe that they are faithfully halfway and God is not there to meet them or they trust that God is faithfully halfway and they must just not be able (as hard as they may try) to make up their half of the trip. The first leads one to disown God because who wants a God that does not keep his end of the bargain. The second leads to depression because no matter how hard we try we never make it where we are convinced we should be able to go.

It may take some decades to get to the point of crashing and falling into one or the other, but I am convinced it will happen given enough time in our brokenness.

Instead of this model, I believe (and this has been a freeing notion to more than just me) that we are bound in our sin and are not capable of going halfway. I believe that we are not even capable of going anywhere and it is God that must come the whole way to us. That is why Jesus came and died for us, because God knew he had to do it all and Christ provided the way for him to reach out completely to us in our deadness and sin. God comes the whole way and sets us free and it is him alone that carries us into glory with him, not of our own work, but solely by his.

Life Together in Intimacy

2005-12-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

Let me tell a story about my mom and dad...

My dad likes to sit in his den in the basement and be alone much of the time he is at home. For whatever reason he is most comfortable downstairs. Sometimes he even watches the same thing on his TV in the basement that we are watching in the living room. This is not every night, but many times this is the case. On nights such as these, he will come upstairs, at some point, and sit down with us. We will be sitting on the couch and he will sit down on the love seat which makes an "L" with the couch. He will sit there all night with us if he is left alone. However, most times, my mom will encourage him to come and sith "with us," meaning on the couch with us. He always does so and, inevitably, will get cramped or uncomfortable and want to leave. He will typically go downstairs within the next 30 minutes.

My thoughts...

My dad probably wants to have time by himself, but will come up and spend time with his family at least once or twice a night (more that most fathers I have encountered) becuase he loves us and wants to be with us. To what degree should we let him give what he is comfortable giving? Is it our job to encourage him to give more or is it our job to gladly receive what he offers and pray and hope that God will draw him out?

I ask these things and wonder becuase sometimes I feel like my dad on the love seat and sometimes I feel pressured to get off the love seat and give more. I have always felt that giving more was what I was supposed to do. I should work harder to give more because that is what God wants, right? That is what the good Christian does, right? As a Christian, I am expected to do more that I want and to give of myself until there is nothing left. What if I am tired and exhausted of giving more and just want to be allowed to stay on the couch once in a while? Am I a bad Christian? Am I a bad boyfriend? I feel like the answer is Yes! I am a terrible boyfriend and a terrible Christian. Relationships are all about giving of ourselves and valuing the other greater than ourselves and serving and giving and dying for one another...but it has been me who have been attempting the doing and thus I am exhausted and disparaged.

I feel, deep down, that it must be God who is doing the doing and not me, but I don't know what that looks like. I don't know how to let myself be who I am becuase that person is not good enough. What I am ever more coming to understand is that that person is never good enough. It must be God in us who works and moves us to love others and to die to ourselves, but what is life supposed to look like while that is not happening?

I am torn. Part of me wants to give all of myself and be the most amazing boyfriend ever (esp. as thoughts of being a husband continue to form) and the other part of me is tired of being-or trying to be-someone I am not because I am not the best boyfriend ever...Sometimes I just want to be left to sit on the love seat, but Jesus never stayed on the love seat...

...and Kathryn deserves much more than a man who just wants to say on the love seat.

The Trinity

2005-11-15T14:08:00.000-05:00

Here is something I just wrote in a paper for my chruch history class and I wanted to post it for comment and feedback. This is a bit of an amalgam of some of the things I have read as well as some of the recent conversations I have had. I am interested to hear what people have to say about it (if you do).

So, as I understand it, there is the Godhead who in his perfect unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit has, in his infinite love, made room in his community for his Creation. The purpose of this Creation is to participate in the reciprocal, mutually giving and receiving relationship that is perfectly expressed in the Trinity itself. As we join in relationship with the triune God through the person and work of Jesus Christ we begin to properly relate one another and with the rest of Creation (not just people, but the world we relate within) with the final end of rejoining in the perfect perichoresis, or dance, of God and Creation.

A New Dichotomy

2005-10-17T01:19:00.000-04:00

It has been too long since my last post...too much time spent doing classwork and not enought time spent thinking about it. However, I was at a discussion with Tony Jones (an author involved in the emergent movement) tonight, and it got me thinking about the prevailing transition to "both/and" from "either/or." I have always been a fan of this switch, but tonight has me questioning the "both/and" understanding. What if it isn't a "both/and" either, but a "yes, but."

Perhaps what I hear most from the emergent conversation is that friendship is the heart of good theology, that the conversation is truth, and that the truth of the gospel is found as it is made incarnate in culture. For the most part I agree with this and much of what is said in emergent circles, but I feel like no one there is willing to say that there is an absolute truth. Even though I don't believe that anyone can fully understand the immense truth of God, I do believe that the immense truth of God is absolute. There is so much fear that the idea of an absolute truth will be oppressive and will be forced upon people and I think it is a reaction to something that has occured more than it is a reality. Sure, when we believe we have the absolute truth of God figrued out bad things happen, but that is not a reason to disregard the idea of it all together. If we do then we tend to find ourselves having a conversation about an amorphous good instead of a conversation about the truth of God. Foundations are not bad, Jesus talks about them more than once, it is when we place our theology on the wrong foundation that we trip ourselves (and too many other people along with us) up.

All this is to say that I was thinking about the idea of looking at situations and theology as a "yes, but" instead of a "both/and" and here is what I mean. When someone asks me if there are requirements to be a Christian, I no longer want to try and dodge the question and try to convince them that that is the wrong question. Instead, I want to say, "Yes there are, but I do not completely understand what they entail and I am not as concerned with how you measure up to them as I am about who you are and how you are doing."

Wow...

2005-08-22T07:43:00.000-04:00

...its good to be home. Great trip, I missed everyone so much.

Prague and the Bone Church

2005-08-12T07:16:00.000-04:00

Took a day trip out to Kutna Hora today with Kathryn to see the Ossuary or Bone Church. It was an old mortuary that was overloaded after the plague swept across europe and a lot of exhumed bones were left piled up around the church. At some point an artist came along and redesigned the chapel with the addition of sculptures, tapestries, chandeliers, and other decor made out of human bones. It was pretty amazing. we have a bunch of pictures and a short video of the place. very exciting.

And can I take this time to bitch about how much of a pain it is to tzpe when the z and the y kezs are switched around...oh, and I cant make apostrophes or question marks either, sorrz about that.

On to Praha

2005-08-09T16:41:00.000-04:00

Stopped off in Prague today and it is beautiful like every other place here. it is amazing, so beautiful and full of old history and culture (not to mention good beer and wine). i am running out of time here on the internet, but i wanted to get something up. we only walked around a little tonight and frank and belle will be here tomorrow to hang out for the rest of our time here. so far this had been excellent. even though the weather hasnt been the best, we have only had one really bad rainy day. it has rained a little every other day since then, but we havent been put out too bad since budapest. take care all.

K

Catching Up

2005-08-06T10:08:00.000-04:00

So, it seems the last post was back in santiago. well, it rained our last couple days there and it was off to madrid last saturday. madrid was beautiful, but did not grab me like the other places we have been did. This week was in budapest and it rained pretty much the whole time (except for the very beginning and end), but was nice enough to see most of the city still. Then, this morning we are here in Vienna Austria and it was raining at first, but is very nice out and we are hoping for continued good weather. peace.

Mono

2005-07-26T14:04:00.000-04:00

Turns out Kathryn has mono and will not be getting better in a week from antibiotics. in fact, she has a rash becuase the antibiotics clash with the mono (or something like that). We went to the hospital today to get checked out...well, she did and i came later after i woke up and found out she had been take there. It only took three confusing conversations with people who spoke as much english as i speak galego (the language here is not spanish, it is actually closer to portuguese, who knew!) to find her and shortly thereafter the doctor came in with the bloodwork and gave us the bad news. she told us that kathryn should go home, but we went for a second opinion and it seems she will be okay as long as she has ample rest and an opportunity to lay down when she gets exhausted. hopefully, all will be fine.

i wonder if i gave it to her because i have always wanted to blame my need for 10 hours of sleep a night on the fact that i had mono. i have never gotten sick and doubt very much that i have mono. maybe one day we will know. until then i will press on throughout the rest of europe with the gang.

i am going to go cook some dinner for kathryn and laura (one of the girls with us on the trip). peace...K

"The Day of Breaking" and Other News

2005-07-24T21:37:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago was a rough day for all of us. Laura´s bag broke, Kathryn´s strep was only getting worse (and unfortunately still is, pray for her), Belle´s suitcase broke, and my glasses broke. Then later that evening I managed to lose one of my contacts, one of only two that I brought since I was expecting to wear my glasses most of the time. So far, my second application of duct tape has sufficed.

Tomorrow is St. James Day, the biggest holiday i know of here in santiago, but the celebration is tonight (much like new year´s day for us) and the place is insane. people everywhere and a million things going on all around. the celebration has been raging for a few hours now (it is almost 10), but it wont be in full swing until probably 1 or 2. No one goes to bed here before 4 in the morning or so. think of what we are used to in the states and add 4 hours. dinner is at 9 or 10 and they dont even go out until 1 or 2. its crazy. i have been going to bed early around 3 or so.

Fireworks are in an hour and i am signing off. take care all.

Rough couple months

2005-07-22T14:26:00.000-04:00

Havent posted in a while, so no one is going to be checking this anytime soon i am guessing. i have had quite a rough couple months, but i am now on the upswing and things are smoothing out. this last downswing was pretty unique because i was still having fairly regular alone times (although much less frequent than usual). time to journal and time to read scripture, etc. Things with kathryn were up and down, but more frequently down. i was in a lot of transition and the like. all this combined with not having much i wanted to write about nor wanting to do much more than continue to simply exist.

that said, i am now in spain at the beginning of a month long tour of europe and things are beginning to smooth themsleves out. it is exciting and i am going to try and post my thoughts and experiences here over the course of the trip. after that, i will be back in school and i hope that will give me some fuel for writing here more often.

first thoughts...porto portugal was beautiful and i loved my short stay there (not to mention jumping off a bridge 50 ft into the river below in my boxers with my best friend). it was a picturesque city and it is worth spending some time there just to take it all in. it is also really cheap. however, santiago is more beautiful to me becuase it is beautiful to be in and not just beautiful to look at. the old town part where we will be most of our stay is all stone with sculptures and a giant cathedral, and fountains and it is gorgeous. i love it (and i had a giant chicken sandwich and french fries and a cafe con leche for like 7 bucks for dinner, they love french fries here and in porto). more to come, but i wanted to get something down here for now. peace.

Across From Me...Beauty.

2005-06-06T10:17:00.000-04:00

There is an older woman here at the coffee shop who is shaking like she has Parkinson's disease. Her manner is a little unkempt as she sits, drinking coffee as she stares out the window. She breaks my heart...but should she? Is it not possible that she is far more content, far more joyful about who she is and where God has her in life than I will ever be? Is it not possible that she has untold treasures that I know nothing about? Why do I think that she is miserable, while assuming that the man walking down the street is just fine? We [the snobs, the elitests] think we know so much, but we really just a bunch of arrogant bastards and I hate it.

This woman sits here as she probably does every morning. She is a wealth of the beauty of God's creation and at one glance she is boxed up and ready to be shipped out without a second thought. I bitch about how the church has marginalized so many of God's children, but now I feel that I am far worse than the church will ever be.

So she sits with her purse around shoulder and on her lap, jeans tucked into her white athletic socks. She has long curly brown hair that began to turn grey after her last haircut. Under her is a winter coat and a thick winter sweater. Her large coffee is in a to go cup, and she is ready to step out into a cold winter night...

...but it is june in Minneapolis and it is 80 degrees outside and right now, at this moment, she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

Lord, please magnify your blessings upon her and make your light to shine upon her. I pray that she would bask in paradise with you in the age to come. I pray that one day I will look as she does right now, a simple, quiet beauty as she waits, prepared for winter that will eventually come.

Our Continued Disagreement

2005-05-29T13:55:00.000-04:00

I have a tendency to want to prooftext things. When I am thinking about theological issues particular verses and passages pop into my head as "relevant." I don't think I like that really. It is good to have an idea of what the bible specifically speaks to something, but I want to be able to approach the issue with an understanding of how the whole of scripture, how the whole of the Gospel addresses a situation.

These thoughts are coming from a conversation I had with my friend holly about a teaching I gave at our weekly Three Nails gathering. The center of my teaching was an understanding of grace that is free and comes as a result of our total depravity through the incarnation, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

There is a contrast between a belief of total depravity (a complete inability to do good outside of the good fruit that occurs naturally as a result of the good root that is God within us) and a belief of progressive sanctification (that the good image with which we were created, while broken, is still capable of some good and our sanctification is the continued progression toward life that is fostered and nurtured by our Creator).

I know that I do not have all of the angles in the discussion covered, but these are the thoughts that are swirling around in my head. I know that there are differing opinions and ideas and interpretations of the scriptures and that many will respectfully disagree with mine and the same for me and others'. The question is how do we discuss without debating. How do we have fundamental differences in our view of grace and responsibility and continue to truly respect and love one another?

Holly, this is the discussion I want to be having. I am not so concerned about the above debate. I want us to live life together, have discussions along the way, and ultimately press deeper and deeper into the love and truth of God as he reveals it to us. Let's save the debate for another day.

The Worry Wort (sp?)

2005-05-29T13:22:00.000-04:00

Five couples...two batches of pad thai...1 far too time consuming game of skip bo.

That was last night.

Today I am at work. My last day at Rynn's Luggage in the South Side. It is time to leave, time to worry about where the next paycheck will come from, time to remember that I don't have it figured out.

I find it amazing how many things there are to worry about. I findit ridiculous how many things that I worry about and how many things other people worry about and how easily we get frustrated at each other for worrying about stupid things when there are so many important things to worry about.

They are all stupid yet we find such comfort in our worries...why? I am guessing it has something to do with control becuase I am finding more and more that everything gets back to control, back to original sin, if you dig deep enough. Is it the terrifying realization that we are not in control?

I can think of two situations where the potential for worry is found: having responsibility for something and caring for someone. Worry comes when there is a chance that something we are responsible for might not work out as we hope (important meeting, preparing dinner, a hot date), or when there is an indication that someone we care for may change in a way that is not desirable to us (strange behavior, death, etc).

This is my premise and I have come up with many ideas and thoughts surrounding worry and control and the like, but I have decided to leave all of that out in hope that others will share their thoughts and opinions on worry.

Why do we worry? Are we claiming control and responsibility for things that are not our own? Or are some things under our control and things that we are responsible for? I don't know and I think I will opt out of feeling like I must have an answer.

Worn out

2005-05-17T23:11:00.000-04:00

I hope this is not becoming a pattern. After last semester I was tired, I mean really worn out, and it wasnt until halfway through january on a trip to florida that I regained some sense of energy and vitality. It was only by the gentle hand of God that I was truly refreshed. I looked at my journal and almost every entry for a month began with "I'm tired..." It wasnt until one morning in florida when I woke up at 8 am with no alarm fully refreshed that I started feeling normal and healthy again.

I feel tired again...really tired.

I am in this constant struggle as to whether I am going to continue my seminary education. I have so many things on my plate and they are good things, but I dont know if school is going to make the cut. I dont want to take classes for the sake of pursuing a degree. I want to want to do the work and learn the things I am learning. Part of me does, but there are so many things that eek out schoolwork and it ends up being the last thing on the list. Something to be put off until it must absolutely be done. I dont want to just do enough in grad school like I did in undergrad. I also dont want to be exhausted and in debt.

I have been asked to help run point for a fledgling church plant (which is a terrible term, any refrence to church with an "a" in front makes me uncomforable) and I do not know what that is going to end up looking like.

On a different note, for better or worse, I can look at the past few weeks and notice how different the days are when I dont set any (or much) time aside for the Lord. It has been quite remarkable.

And I just met my kathryn's ex-fiancee for the first time tonight. I dont know why it is so hard for me to like this guy. He seems like a decent guy and kathryn cares very much for him, but I just dont want anything to do with him. Since he lives 6 hours away I would think this wouldnt be a big deal, but kathryn is adamant about me getting to know him and liking him. I dont understand why I cant just ignore him. There are plenty of other friends of hers that I will never get to know. Granted, I havent had to pray through the same kind of unrational animosity toward them as I have toward him, but as it stands I dont dislike him, i just dont want to sit around a table with a bunch of people I dont know and talk about his family and how wonderful his sister and brother are. Maybe I am being unreasonable and I am probably still holding onto some unclaimed bitterness, but it feels like one more thing I dont have the energy to sort through right now....Man am I tired.

A Response to "i am emergent, i am not Emergent"

2005-04-30T23:22:00.000-04:00

i am emergent, i am not Emergent

This post gets at the heart of much of my struggle to really engage at the emergent convention at asbury this month. I agree with everything he says about being "emergent." The thing is that, aside from the "post-"whatevers, it is simply a description of what Christ calls everyone in his church to be.

I had a good conversation over dinner the other day with the pastor of a reformed presbyterian church in ipswich, mass. named David. Those he leads would not consider themselves "emerging" from what I can tell. I doubt many of them have ever even heard the term (or post-protestant, or post-anything), but David has a beautiful understanding of the gospel and it is exactly what john describes. The result of our conversation is that I have come to feel that much of the emergent conversation is reactionary, not emergent. While we are emerging into a new culture and state of the world, it does not seem like the basics of the gospel are changing. It does not even seem like the interpretations that people have are all that new. I am afraid it is more that we have all seen really bad examples of being church and have met a lot of people who have been burned (many of us included) and we are reacting to that.

I have spent a meal with a very "modern" pastor and it has convinced me that if every church for the past 50 years had been led by a man (or woman) with similar convictions there would be no emerging conversation today. At least no term "emergent" as john has described here. David has art shows at his church and contemporary services and he would probably never label himself as "emergent;" he would simply call himself a Christian.

No matter how much our culture changes, the love of God will be relevant and true. It will not take fancy ways of communicating that love, just authenticity. It is true, we should spend a lot of time talking about what that means and what that looks like and if that is what the emerging conversation is about then bring it on, but if not, lets spend our time doing something else.

I would love to hear people's comments on this because I have spent the last three years in this conversation and planting an "emergent" church, so these new thoughts are quite a lot for me. Any thoughts?

A Response to "Whose On First"

2005-04-30T23:03:00.000-04:00

Whose On First

First, I cant help but be distracted by the use of "whose" instead of "who's," but I recognize that is not the issue...

I think that John and Andrew are right in their discussion about the church eating itself alive. Why do we need to fight incessantly about these issues? I hope that all of us are constantly looking at the fruits of our lives. If something we are doing or something we are saying is bearing bad fruit, I hope that we are changing our approaches. Why can we not trust each other to be seeking truth and the love of God? Why can we not all have a higher opinion of the holy spirit? If we did, we wouldnt worry about any of this becuase we would trust that God is in control and that he will see his people through. If we think someone has a bad theology, let God handle it. What are we really going to do? Has yelling at the street preacher who is yelling at those around him ever accomplished anything? I will stop there before I venture too close to "cant we all just get along."

I do want to note my support of Andrew's comment about feeling that the gospel is never about pissing someone off (a bit paraphrased). Everytime I have said this there is the inevitable response of "But the Gospel is offensive..." Yes, I agree that the gospel is offensive, but it is not our job to offend people with it. Our call is to always be able to give a defense for the reason we believe (note the word 'defense') and to do it with "gentleness and respect." The church would have less people pissed at it if we held this as a value with any kind of seriousness.

Playing Catch Up

2005-04-19T23:22:00.000-04:00

It has been a bit too long since my last post. However, not long enough to merit a full account of my recent thoughts since I need to go to bed and I am exhausted. I have been here at the Emergent Worship, Art, Liturgy, Preaching conference and it has been interesting. I must say that I am still a bit surprised that worship was included in the list as opposed to being an overarching concept (i had thought the name was worship: art, liturgy, Preaching, but there is a comma, not a colon).

The main sessions have been excellent thus far. Brian McLaren always has good things to say and tonight a woman named Maggie Dawn spoke and it was spectacular. I hope I can find a recording of it somewhere becuase she spoke to my heart and affirmed a lot of the thoughts I have been having about scripture lately. In fact, she poetically spoke on a topic that Kathryn and I had in the car on the way to Boston last week and explained it much better than I did. She was attempting to clarify the understanding that all scripture is inspired. She believes that the inspiration of the scriptures is not about the precision of the words, but about the power of the poetic to speak into particular human situations. I really like that statement. She also commented, "The Word of God is the second person of the Trinity, not the fourth and it should be treated as such." It was good stuff.

The seminars have been so so. I think I have just not gone to the right ones for where I am at currently. They were the ones that I wanted to go to, but they were not what I had hoped they would be. It has been to no fault of the speakers, everyone has done a good job so far, I have just not resonated with them as much.

My overall impression compared to three years ago (my last emergent experience) is interesting. Three years ago we were all still searching, I felt we were all very new to the conversation and the bookstore only had about 10 books and half of them did not even address the "emergent church" specifically (like Dallas Willard's Divine Conspiracy). However, now there are 75 books and 30 videos and 20 gurus...it is a different scene. I am still hearing, "we don't have any answers, just questions," but I believe it a little less this time around. So far this is not really a criticism, I need to think some more about it. We will see how the rest of the conference goes and I will probably comment more.

Eyes, Stomach, and Heart

2005-04-01T19:10:00.000-05:00

I think my body is shutting down. My eyes and stomach hurt. I haven't been at the computer too much today or straining my eyes on anything and as for my stomach, I ate a little while ago...long enough that it can't be my meal that is upsetting my stomach, but recently enought that it cannot be a lack of food that is putting me off. My heart on the other hand has good reason to be a little tender.

Today, my father had a catheterization done and in two weeks he will go under the knife for a double bypass and an aortic valve replacement. I have generally written this off rationally as no big deal. I tell myself that if it is his time to go, I would rather be able to prepare and spend some extra time with my dad, than to have him die in a sudden car crash out of the blue. However, this overlooks the stark reality that my mind has never really allowed myself to consider the reality that my dad will some day go away. Now I am...I have to.

I do not know if my dad loves the God I have devoted my life to, but I have never met a man who better exemplifies the redeemed life. The root of who my dad is creates better fruit than anyone I know. There is more grace and love and charity and respect and integrity flowing naturally out of him than anyone else I know.

Now I am faced with considering life without him and it makes me want to vomit. It does not make me want to simply throw up and get rid of that nasty upset stomach. It makes me want to hurl up all that is inside of me until I have nothing left. Then I will weep. Not cry, but weep...sob. The kind of sob that carries my entire body with it into sorrow. The kind of weeping that once I am finished I can do nothing but lie still and fall asleep. The sleep will be brief, but painless.

My dad and I don't talk much. I hope that one day that changes, but everytime the opportunity to talk emerges a lump forms in my throat and I am speechless. I have nothing to say and if that does not change, I will one day lose the chance to hear some of the most fruitful and wise words I might ever have the opportunity to hear. I hope that day is not April 15.

Tax day...he told the doctor that his taxes were filed so that wouldn't be a problem...He was laying there in a bed and wasn't allowed to sit up. He just laid there for the afternoon...Helpless. The surgeon is one of the best (from what I hear), he does this every week. He is usually successful, but sometimes he loses a patient. What if that patient is my dad. Dr. Park will go home and so will I, but I won't have a dad anymore.

Who knows...maybe its all bullshit and I am just coming down with something.

A Response to "And They Claim Love :)"

2005-04-01T19:09:00.000-05:00

I do not know the particular arguments that make up the mohler/mclaren debate, but something that John says strikes a chord.

"For me, I am of the mind that for the conversation to move forward, and to truly be emerging we need to truly and openly be able to question everything, and the "mohler camp" would rather we just accept their views and never question" (Spelling correction added).

I have the opportunity to go to another emergent conference this month. It has been over three years since I have attended one, but from that first one I was freed from the bondage of simply accepting the views I had (that I had been given) and never questioning. I was allowed to ask tough questions. Questions that my heart had been asking all along. Questions I had simply quelled becuase of course I had the answers somewhere...I just hadn't found them yet.

Over the past few years I have realized that God is not afraid of my questions. They are child's play to him. He is real and he is truth. No amount of questioning and doubting and heresy will ever change that fact. However, what that questioning and doubting and heresy has changed is me. It has allowed me to break out of the know-it-all legalism of my youth and into a (sometimes) humble place of realization...that I only understand a small portion of truth. Truth is so much bigger than me that I can never hope to box it up and mass produce it and ship it off. I tried for much of my life and it doesn't work.

The truth of God is big and it is beautiful and left alone from our meddling it can speak volumes to the broken and battered souls that we encounter everyday (including our own). The truth of God is real and it will redeem this world, but we will not be a part of that if we insist on being able to fully know it.

I don't ever want to have all the answers again. I don't ever want to have more answers than questions. I say ask the questions and join the dance.

Not Everyone Is Crazy About Postmodernity

2005-03-25T18:51:00.001-05:00

Here is a quote by Michael Horton, who is a professor and reformed theologian speaking on the church's response to the cultural shift we find ourselves in today:

This general trend in culture [Postmodernism] translates into hipper-than-thou clubs passing for youth ministry, informal chats passing for sermons, and brazen marketing passing for evangelism, where busyness equals holiness, and expository preaching is considered too intellectual. This trend can account in part for homes in which disciplined habits both of domestic culture and instruction in Christian faith and practice give way to niche marketing and churches becoming theaters of the absurd.

All I can say is wow. I sure as hell hope that this is not what I am doing with threenails (the community I am involved in)...I don't think it is, but man does it force you to think about the ways you can tighten up in whatever you are doing.

R. Matthew

2005-03-25T17:03:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that I love. my friend Matt. He is my friend who posted the passoinate rebuttal to my statments in the From Abortion To Everyday Life post. I am quite sure that we will have vastly different theologies for our entire lives, but we agree on the essentials (in my opinion) and because of that we will always have good, growth filled, and life-giving discussions. Matt...some of what you said I am down with, but most of it I couldn't disagree with more, but as always, it will be fun to hash through it. Take care, it has been good living life with you Mr. R. Matthew.

From Abortion to Everyday Life

2005-03-15T12:03:00.000-05:00

Here is a quote from my ethics class by Bill Tilbert who is a Presbyterian minister. It is about abortion, but is a statement about the church's heart at large in my opinion and it begs the question:

How serious is the church when it comes to our typically comfortable lives?

During the 1960's and 1970's there was an antiwar slogan that asked, "What if they gave a war and nobody came?" The point was what if there was a declaration of war and all the people just refused to participate? What if there were abortion clinics but nobody went in? What if abortion was a legal choice, but it was a choice nobody took? Changes in the law, blocking abortion clinics, demeaning name-calling will not stop abortions. The history of the church through the ages has been the history of changes brought about in soiciety through the church demonstrating and living an alternative vision of life. We need to stop telling our nonbelieving neighbors how wrong their way of life is, and we need to start showing the power of the gospel in the way we live...Let me ask you: Which has greater power? Ten thousand people who fill the streets in front of abortion clinics and shame those seeking abortions, or ten thousand people in California who take to the state capital a petition they have signed stating they will take any unwanted child of any age, any color, any physical condition so that they can love that child in the name of Jesus Christ?

Amen

Moving On After 11 Years

2005-03-11T11:57:00.000-05:00

When I was in eighth grade I made the biggest mistake of my life and to this day it is the only single action that I regret. While it was a part of shaping me into who I am today, I am sorry that it happened. I went home early from school and was lying on the couch and somehow got the good idea to go down the street to the house of one of my old best friends (that I hadn't talked to in years) and break into his house. I stole a bunch of different things and took off. Long story short, I was almost arrested when I was turned in by someone I had told at school. The only reason I didn't go to juvee was because the family didn't want to press charges.

I did not talk to the family for 10 years when I saw my old best friend last year and apologized. I figured it was over, until last night. I walked into a prayer meeting that I had helped organize and walked by a man that could only have been the father who had let me off the hook years before. He happened to be the new pastor of the church where we were meeting. Quite a surprise to say the least.

I spoke to him after the meeting and apologized to him formally. I hadn't even seen him since long before the incident and he didn't recognize me, but we talked and it was good. We have both done things we regret and he was quick to forgive. I guess I am so impressed by the encounter because it was something that had long since passed in my life. It had been reduced to an anecdote in my testimony, but it is more than that. It was an action that hurt a family whom I loved. I can never forget that part of it. There was damage done by my actions and it must always remain a reminder of who I am in the flesh and the things that I am capable of when I act out of brokenness and pain. I will not quickly forget last night.

The Consequences of Responsibility

2005-03-10T13:14:00.000-05:00

My best friend just called. He said that if he and I left tomorrow to go to Philadelphia we could ski in Vermont for the cost of a $50 bus ride. I said I could not because I just got back from Philly and I have work that needs to be done and a worship gathering for Threenails that I am responsible for seeing through.

He called back 5 minutes later and said that we didn't even need to pay for the bus ride. Get to Philly and it's all free. Totally free. Damn it. I can't go.

Do I love skiing? Yes. Would I miss this worship gathering for recreation? No. It is as simple as that. A large part of me is astounded at the response. How could I pass up free skiing in Vermont? (Did I mention that I had been hoping to ski there for the past two years?) Ridiculous.

I have experienced two kinds of responsibility in my life. There is the kind that makes me feel trapped and smothered. A responsibility that has little freedom in it and consists almost entirely of guilt. The other contains nothing but freedom. Guilt cannot enter in because it is part of who I am; who God has made me to be in his grace. To shirk that responsibility would be to deny who I am as a part of the body of Christ. I gladly sacrifice my earthly desires for them. It is the only thing that makes sense.

I think that is the thing about the gospel, especially when it is internalized. Our sinful rebellion is as much about us rebelling against ourselves as it is about us rebelling against God. In fact, I think that is at the heart of sin. Sin is not just something that God decided he doesn't want us to do. It is something that runs contrary to our creation and when we indulge in our sinful desires we are destroying ourselves from the inside out. The wages of sin is death because it undermines who we are.

Am I sad that I cannot go skiing this weekend? Yes. Will I lose any sleep over it? No. I will rest soundly in who I am and what I have been called to be.

Je Jung

2005-03-06T01:43:00.000-05:00

I am leaving tomorrow for a short trip out to Philadelphia and DC and I leave behind a man that has been living with me for the past 4 months. I hadn't really sat down to talk with him one-on-one until tonight and we only spoke for a short while. He is an amazing man who God will use to do amazing things back home in Korea. I am glad he has been a part of my life these past few months and I look forward to whatever contact and cooperation we will have in the future. It's funny, I have not spoken with him much, yet I walk past his room, which I know will be empty when I return home, and I realize that I will miss him very much. He has been a part of threenails (my church) and he has been a part of my life. Even in the small things like the good mornings and the good nights we shared as we passed when I got up and when I went to bed. I will miss him. It is sad to see him go. I will miss my friend.

So, There Is This Girl

2005-03-02T21:33:00.000-05:00

"How do I know if the amount of time I spend with her is too much?"

She is pretty amazing. I like her...a lot. We get along well, good conversation comes easily for us, and we have have very similar interests. This question comes because, obviously, I want to spend most of my free time with her, but I want to share it because I think that this question can address a host of issues by simply changing the object:

"How do I know if the amount of time I spend...is too much?"

My first instinct is to ask whether or not my time with her is coming at the expense of other commitments. I think this is a good starting place, but in making a commitment to live life with someone romantically I am commiting to more time with that person than before. If this extra time is more than I already have, then I need to reduce some of my time commitments somewhere. Does that make dating them bad? Does this mean I am spending too much time with her? I do not think that it does provided any commitments that must be adjusted are worked through with those who are affected.

My next thought is that it is a matter of priority. Is there a balance between my priorities and my time? However, I think that is a false question because in my world our priorities are defined by how we spend our time and a mental list of our priorities that is not supported by our actual lives is a worthless list.

What about balance? Am I balanced between how much time we spend together and...? What is on the other side of the scale? I hear a lot of talk about "balance" in a relationship--much of it from my mouth--but what exactly needs to be balanced? Off the top of my head I think: time, physical interaction, spiritual intensity, emotional intensity, and commitment. When I put it into words, the idea keeping things in balance sounds a bit unrealistic. How are any of those things quantified? If they can be quantified, how can they be compared?

In the end it looks like I have nothing, but the question lingers and I am sure there will be follow up to this. Please, anyone that would like to comment and further this I would love to hear your comment...especially married couples that have seen this process from inception to marriage completely. Show this to your friends, I want to know what you think.

This Struck Me

2005-03-01T19:02:00.000-05:00

Ex. 28:36-38

Make a plate of pure gold and engrave on it as on a seal: HOLY TO THE LORD. Fasten a blue cord to it to attach it to the turban; it is to be on the front of the turban. It will be on Aaron’s forehead, and he will bear the guilt involved in the sacred gifts the Israelites consecrate, whatever their gifts may be. It will be on Aaron’s forehead continually so that they will be acceptable to the LORD. [NIV]

Jesus is called the "Great High Priest" in Hebrews. In Exodus, it appear that Aaron, the first high priest, is actually who takes the guilt of he that offered sacrifices. I have always been taught that the guilt of the person was transferred to the sacrificial animal and then it was slaughtered. However, when I go back to Leviticus, I do not see any mention of a transfer of guilt to the animal. Later in Leviticus, it mentions that when a man with guilt on his head comes with a sacrifice the priest will make atonement for the man (Lev 5: 17-19).

It does not mention Aaron being responsible for the guilt, but instead, he is told to wear a plate that declares him "HOLY TO THE LORD." The high priest takes on the guilt of the sinner and is declared holy before the Lord. This is exactly what Jesus does on the cross.

While I do not see anything unusual in this comparison, I feel there has to be some implications that I am not seeing immediately. If nothing else, it gives sets a precedent for the idea of Christ taking our sins upon himself. Maybe it is simply that I had never noticed this before, but it struck me as very interesting.

And to think I almost skipped over the temple specifications, "I have read thos all before, what else could I find in them." I am an ass.

Similar Sense of Humor

2005-02-27T20:57:00.000-05:00

Well kids, it's time to see if we have a similar sense of humor. For me the two minutes to skim over this was worth it...but don't take my word for it.

I guess we all still have that someone

The Words of Reason

2005-02-27T14:50:00.000-05:00

I will probably utilize this space for posting many of the quotes that I love. They are words that have touched me in some way. I hope they bless you.

Today's quote is an older one from Tammy Bruce's book The Death of Right and Wrong. Tammy Bruce is a woman who has spent her life defending and fighting for the rights of women and the gay community. I really respect much of what she says in the book. She has a chip on her shoulder and at times I had a hard time hearing what she had to say, but she points out and attacks a real and present danger in the word "tolerance." Tolerance is good, but there must be balance and everyone has to start wondering what is going on when those who scream tolerance the loudest turn out to be the least tolerant people around.

One of my favorite stories about her is when she was the president of NOW in Los Angeles and was organizing the Gay Pride March. A group of peope came in leather and chains under the banner of the S & M community. Tammy looked at them and told them to get out because gay pride was not about what she called, "sick fetishes."

She feels tolerance is good, but not at the expense of our values and what we believe.

It helps me to remember that I cannot group people together into nice compartments and boxes. Every person is different and must be treated as an individual. It is in relationship that we need to deal with issues in peoples' lives and it is in community that we need to discuss serious issues. Do I think there is something unhealthy about wanting to tie someone up and inflict pain for sexual pleasure or be tied up and be beaten for the same...yes, unequivocally. But that is not what the church should be attacking. I am not sure the church should be attacking anything and definately not anyone. I think the church needs to offer the truth of forgivness and the healing touch of the light of life to people who are broken. Whether that brokenness plays out in sadomasochism or codependency or depression is not much concern to me. The fact that there are broken and hurting people is. Let's all get on the ball and stop focusing our anger (which is not righteous I assure you) and energy on the bad fruit, but on the root that brings it forth. I want new believers who have been freed from their burdens and pain, not outraged people that will never be able to hear the truth due to our obnoxiousness.

Anyway...here is the quote that I started this mess:

Yes, we have the freedom to do as we please, but it only works because we don't do everything we might please--we should exercise some degree of personal, and corporate, responsibility. -Tammy Bruce-

Poetic...Beautiful

2005-02-25T20:28:00.000-05:00

You might not like Luther or much of what he has to say. If so, I think you are probably missing out on much of the beauty of the Gospel, but either way, here is something profound and beautiful. To be read and enjoyed by all:

So he [Jesus] makes the sin of the believing soul his own through its wedding ring, which is faith, and acts as if he had done it [i.e. sin] himself, so that sin could be swallowed up in him. For his unconquerable righteousness is too strong for all sin, so that is made single and free from all its sins on account of its pledge, that is its faith, and can turn to the eternal righteousness of its bridegroom, Christ. Now is not this a happy business? Christ, the rich, noble, and holy bridegroom, takes in marriage this poor, contemptible and sinful little prostitute, takes away all her evil, and bestows all his goodness upon her! It is no longer possible for sin to overwhelm her, for she is now found in Christ and is swallowed up by him, so that she possesses a rich righeousness in her bridegroom.

Like I said, Poetic...beautiful.

A Response to "The Walking Wounded"

2005-02-25T15:44:00.000-05:00

How does the church respond to a broken world in light of its own brokeness? I feel John's criticims of the church's tendency to "copout" when it hurts people are spot on. The church does need to be aware that it is made up of hurting, broken people, but that is not the focus. Brokeness is a reality that is discovered in light of the Law, which Christ so beautifully expounded in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-7). This realization brings us to a place that is utterly hopeless - because we are not "sort of" broken, we are completely broken - and this drives us to the cross, but the truth is in the redemption that Christ's death and resurrection offer. Part of that redemption is forgiveness and that is what we must seek when we hurt others.

I think the tendency to blame things on our brokeness comes out of a sneaky pride issue. At least for me, there is a part that wants to remedy situations where I screw up. I want people to know that I am not that bad and that I am still a "good" guy and so I say that "I am broken" as if that is an excuse. No...that is a fact, but it is not an excuse. The only loving response I see to the church hurting anyone is to humbly seek forgiveness. When we hurt someone we need to seek reconcilliation. The motive and reason is for us, not for them. We certainly need to treat our hurtful actions seriously and attemt to discover from what they were born. We do this through prayer and sometimes even fasting (in my opinion), but it is ultimately for us.

I find that most people that are antagonistic to the church are so because they have been burnt by people in the church, representing the church. Someone or some group hurt them and instead of repentance they find excuses (read-not the Gospel) and leave talking of hypocrisy. In my opinion, such criticisms are not unfounded.

The Gospel (Rom 12:1-2)

2005-02-25T15:05:00.000-05:00

Referencing Rom 12:1-2

John wrote:

Paul said, "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

spectacular. This is the gospel.

My Epiphany

2005-02-21T12:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I have been in a social ethics class for four weeks now and for those weeks I have rejected at least some part of what my professor has been presenting. We are talking about a grace/faith ethic. The idea is that there is NOTHING that we bring to the table when it comes to us and God and us and each other. This has been hard for me.

Complete and total grace with no exception. There is nothing we do. God works up within us and flows out of us in our "fruit" not in our "works." Fruit is something that we cannot control becuase it grows naturally out of the root of our being. The root is us and we cannot produce anything but what that root naturally bears. What I do is not what defines me, but who I am is what defines me and my actions are indicitive of who I am.

This sounds great, but what about my transformation? What about sanctification? What about me being better and "working" to be better than I am? I really like the idea that I am in control of something. I want to be part of becoming better that I once was.

Last week a very powerful thing came out of this class. I was driving home and I realized that it was all true. Unequivocally true. Complete grace is the only thing that can free us and bring the life that God desires for us; the life that God sent his son for us to have. The church does not preach true grace very much if at all. We are enslaved by our guilt and our sin because we think that we can do something about it. This world is based on doing and action, which leads to constant assessment by ourselves and by others. We will always come up short and this is why we live in a depressed and overmedicated culture. It is the only realistic response to a false sense of grace (or no sense of it at all).

Instead, God says that it is only by his working in our hearts that we even come to call him God and only that by his working do we do anything truly outside of ourselves and our selfish ambitions (we can have the predestination discussion later). There is true and complete grace in Christ because we can do nothing and therefore God requires nothing. This brings complete freedom in Christ. There is an immediate lifting of the chains that we allow the enemy to use to hold us down in our guilt. We have no reason to bear them once we receive the truth of the cross.

The fear that prevents this truth from being preached from the pulpit is the fear of Christians running free; being terrible witnesses to Christ and feasting on what Bonhoeffer called "Cheap Grace." My professor requested one thing when this was brought up in class..."show me one person where this is the case." In other words, show me one person that has experienced the true grace of Christ (which isn't cheap at all by the way, its free) who is running around being anything but a free and loving example of God's truth and forgiveness. For he who is forgiven much loves much.

The true Antinomian doesn't exist. Someone that experiences the freedom and forgiveness of God does not go off and do whatever he wants. He (or she) is so floored by God forgiving them when they deserve eternal punishment and damnation that they can do nothing save run throughout the town telling everyone, "there is a man who has told me everything I have ever done!" It is an empty fear made up by the enemy to keep us in bondage. And many of our pastors are perpetuating this from the pulpit when they preach that God requires something from us.

Please understand that I was not convinced by my professor and I understand that I am not going to convince you. This is my experience, and now, a large part of what I believe to be true. I hope that you will struggle with it. I hope that you will ask lots of questions as I did (and as I am still doing). But, it will take the hand of God to convince you as it did me. However look for it, because once it happens, true freedom will flow and a true desire to share that completely with others will proceed naturally.

A Response to "Tensions"

2005-02-11T15:43:00.000-05:00

"Tensions" (John O'Keefe)

Kingdom in tension with Conversions:

Most of me wants to agree that there is a complete distinction between kingdom growth and conversion (church growth), but there is no way in my mind to do it. I think that treating people or even seeing people as an ends (numbers) is a travesty, but placing importance on conversion is a different thing. The Gospel is about life and life to the full. I think kingdom growth is more people coming to know what that true life is, where it comes from, and seeking the grace that gives them the faith to live that full life. The kingdom is not about numbers, but converts do make up the body that is the church. While growing in our faith (discipleship) is as important to the kingdom as new believers are, I know that God is more concerned with those who are not yet following Him (Luke 15:7).

Community in tension with Corporation:

This tension I do not see as a tension. In my opinion, there is little benefit to the business model of church other than price point. I struggled with this a lot because I saw so many great and godly organizations (and people) that were struggling financially. So many that if they just had the money and could run more efficiently they could do so much good. I also asked why so many things "Christian" had to be so poorly run and sloppy and unprofessional (unbusinesslike)?

What I have come to realize is that the church is not a business no matter how you look at it. No matter how careful you are, the more efficient things run the more people are left behind. The church has to move as slow as its slowest part because we are in it together. We must help each other and increase in speed and focus and direction together under the covering of our Lord, following in his footsteps. Buth the moment we start leaving people behind becuase it makes "good business sense" is the moment we have lost track of our true identity...community. God is in charge of our money, our converts, our disciples. Nothing we can do will change that and nothing we can do should change that.

Rhythm in tension with Schedule:

This is perhaps the hardest one for me. I live in the States, but my life is lived with an "event" mentality meaning that I move on to the next thing when the first thing is done, not when the clock strikes. I do have a palm and I have a schedule, but I am rarely on time and I am rarely on schedule. My palm acts more as a reminder and a priority list and my life acts accordingly. I am more concerned with people than with timing. You can call it rhythm, but I call it life. The problem is that most people here are offended by others being late and I must admit sometimes I am too. This is the tension I live within.

I want to draw the distinction between being late because of my relationships and being late becasue I am irresponsible. These are two very different situations and one is obviously not a point of discussion here. However, the other is very important. Do I value Dan or Dan's time less because I am in the midst of an important conversation with Emily? No, but how do I hold that in tension. How does he know that? Is it more important to finish my time with Em?

This is why community (as I mentioned above) is so important. When we are in community and in the church we are (hopefully) willing to give the benefit of the doubt. We understand that there is no disrespect. There are only messy lives that are being led to the best of our ability and we are joyful as we join into that with one another. Does this community always work the way it is intended? No, but it must be forgiving and full of grace because if it is not, then it is not the church.

Schedule is important. It is how I know that my meetings are going to happen and thus that our worship gatherings will be planned. It is how I know that I am even meeting with Dan or with Emily, but all must be understood in the context of broken and fallen people that are daily offering up the simple prayer, "God have mercy on me, a sinner."

What I Understand the Church to be

2005-02-03T19:23:00.000-05:00

Whenever I speak of the church, I am speaking of the church as it pertains to the body of believers. Those who believe in the triune God of the Bible. The God who sent His son to show us what it meant to live and the God who allowed that same son to be killed that we might be offered the chance to live as we were created to live.

One of the most recent posts by O'Keefe is a response (or should I say rebuttal) of Tim Stafford's article in Christianity Today "The Church—Why Bother?" Both touch on the idea that the church is the entire body of believers, but both come back to debate the requirement of Christian's presence in a physical church building. Tim is right in his statements about the need for community and fellowship and to be a part of a body, but I find it more accurate to express a need to be a part of "the" body.

In his response O'Keefe says, "the idea that salvation is tied to the church is both nonbibical and controlling." While I agree that salvation does completely rest on the work of the cross and our joining with God through the life and death of Jesus, I do not want to downplay the importance of the church. The church (and I am not speaking of "a" church, but "the" church) is part of salvation and I do not think that is nonbiblical or controlling. While Christ died on the cross to complete His work here on earth and to "allow" us to live life to the full, he spent three years before that setting up the church and teaching/showing us what it "meant" to live life to the full. The church is the working of that which Christ set in motion because His death was not about us getting to heaven, it was about us living the life we were created to live in communion with God. So, no, I do not think that tying the church to salvation is nonbiblical nor is it controlling...tying it to a church is.

Of course, we can never figure out church as God intended it fully while we are here in this age. The best we can do is to constantly strive for the better and seek His leading wherever he goes. If that is to a life of contemplation in the desert or the rather unfortunate life of a mega-church pastor, so be it. While I have my theological problems with both, I must allow for God to move differently in each person's life as long as they submit to the larger body of Christ. Holding that tension is the challenge for me in any situation. The tension between the freedom of "All things may be permissible" and "but not all beneficial." I will leave it for my God to judge and turn to my commission of tending to the other sheep (and goats as they may be) around me.

Response to the comments in my post, "True Heart Follow Up"

2005-02-01T22:30:00.000-05:00

To the first question about my understanding of sin and other religions, I want to be sure I understand the heart of the question. When I think about the search for God, I think about how "spiritual" people of this culture are and how desparately they search for God. In no way do I mean to communicate that that is good enough. I fully believe that it is in Jesus, the Christ, that we find life and that those who reject Him reject God. That is not a blurry issue for me. The sincerity of search is important becuase I believe that God will reveal Himself to those who seek after Him and I know that I have more to say to someone searching than to someone that is closed off. That conversation can go on forever, but I think the question was if I figured the cross into my theology of salvation and the answer is an emphatic "yes!" If I missed the point please correct me.

Everything you said in your first comment (somethingtrendy) I think is right on. I think a clarification of what I mean when I say the Doctrine of God's suffering will shed some light. I do think that understanding that God suffers with us/for us is important. What I get a little frustrated over is when we get really nitpicky and worry about how and what part of Christ/God can and has suffered. My concern and what I would like to communicate is that the Lord weeps with me and that His heart breaks for mankind. What I am not really concerned about is whether part of Him suffers or not, or whether any part of the Spirit can suffer, or if His suffering is strictly limited to knowing that we suffering and responding to that suffering. Basically, I get frustrated when people insinuate that if God's heart breaks for us that He is less powerful and somehow less God.

Now to the meat in the 2nd and 3rd posts. I would agree with what was said in fatwrath's comment. At the same time I do not think that that challenges the work of the cross in any way. I would disagree that there can be no higher purpose in tragic situations like the one described, but I agree that it is not God's plan (and I would like to encourage a little more grace and gentler responses to peoples comments, I do not want to discourage anyone from posting for fear of a condemning response). Specifically, I have multiple friends that have had miscarriages and working through them has been tremendously difficult for all of them. I was drawn to the reaction one of these women had to the situation while struggling through it. It was simple, God intended us to live happily, joyfully, peacefully with Him in the garden. It was not God's plan for us to screw it up. While I believe He knew we would and understood the ramifications it would have, I do not think it was His desire. I do not think it is His desire for any pain or suffering to come to us. I think it is all a result of the fall and part of our plan, not His. Pain and suffering is a part of our rebellion that we bring on ourselves and we deserve MUCH worse than we get. I think God does mourn with us when He allows tragic things to happen in our lives. They may be part of the plan that He is working now, redeeming the garbage we give Him to work with, but I do not think it is ever HIS plan. We have done things that have forced His hand and He is working for the greatest, truest good. That is God's plan for us in my opinion. I do not believe He ever desired for His Son to have to die, but He loves us and that was the result due to our depravity and His glorious, merciful response.

Does the scandal of the cross legitimize suffering? I don't know. I don't think the cross makes tragedy make sense. I think it makes sense of how little suffering we face compared to what we deserve.

True Heart Follow Up

2005-01-31T21:30:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in ST100-systematic theology and we are talking about whether or not God can suffer. For me, this gets at the heart of my earlier questions because while I hear what the great theologians have said and I have a response of my own, I have a hard time seeing how this matters in the grand scheme of things. I see why people want to understand and I see how people could be comforted by the knowledge that God suffers with and for them. However, I think about all the people that walk into the coffee shops where I hang out. I think about how lost many of them are and I think about the conversations I have had with them (when I say lost I mean lost in the sense of the lost sheep or the lost coin; I mean it in the powerfully compassionate way that God means it). The doctrine of God's suffering does not seem like it is going to communicate Christ's sacrifice and God's love to them. It might play a part, but only the warm loving hand of the Father can really communicate that. It is only the bright light of God that will welcome them into the Kingdom and hopefully our faces will reflect a little of that light when people see us and when people speak with us.

So, as I continue to pursue an MDIV degree I will continue to wrestle with whether it is a noble pursuit or simply "puffing myself up." I pray that I will be faithful and that I will follow God's lead in everything I do. I believe this is where I need to be at this point and that is enough confidence for now.

...Wow, what a culture clash. I spoke to my professor about these thoughts. About why this is important in light of the fact that the Gospel is something the simplest person can receive. His response was very valid, but I have had a hard time digesting it. He used an example of a pastor speaking a sermon at a funeral for a young child. How does someone communicate the truth and light of the Gospel in such a situation without addressing if and how God suffers? I don't have any children and I do not presume to be able to understand that level of suffering, but I know when I suffer I am not that concerned with whether God suffers or has suffered or is suffering as much as I am concerned with His compassion and His love. As that pastor I am concerned with how I can communicate that same compassion and that same love. Now I understand that there is a direct connection between suffering and compassion, but whether or not I understand how God suffers does not affect the fact that he does have compassion for any painful situation and it is a compassion that I can receive without the "proper" knowledge of his suffering.

What is God's true heart for us?

2005-01-31T02:48:00.000-05:00

I had quite a good conversation tonight with a couple friends spanning much of our thoughts on theology and an interesting thought came out of it. What is God's true heart for us? We have spent 2000 years trying to understand God better and understanding truth better. Many of the doctrines we have today are not directly from the scriptures as far as I can tell. Words like trinity and substitutional atonement are not specifically found in the scriptures. They are terms that we use in order to describe what we feel are the truths of scripture. They embody ideas that we can never comprehend fully. While these things are good and we need to always be seeking to know the truth of God more, how focused do we need to be on doctrine? We will have the answers we seek someday.

I do the math and think about spending 70 years seeking truth and then about spending eternity knowing it after those 70 years are up. Should we be content to wait? Is God more interested in being with us than our understanding of doctrine? Is digesting the latest systematic theology going to allow me to follow God more fully? Is it going to help me live my life? The dumbest person in the world is capable of receiving the redemption of our Lord, but not of understanding McGrath's Christian Theology Reader. What compels us to dig deeper once we have chosen to receive Christ's sacrifice? Are we choosing the better portion, or are we working furiously in futile pursuits?

I am certainly not judging anyone's study of theology. I am currently in seminary for the explicit reason of feverishly striving to understand my God better. I am sure He is more interested in my heart than my head, yet I feel foolish not striving to understand as much as I can.

"Whoever does not treceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” I am quite sure that there are few children concerned with the depths of the trinity.

I am reminded of an analogy that I heard a long time ago. Seeking the truth of God is like standing in a dark room and slowly opening a door to a room lit with the Truth of God. We crack the door open a little and the light of truth shines into our lives. All parts of that light are fully truth. All of the light that shines through is the same light. Opening the door more reveals more light, but it is no more true than the little light that sines in the beginning. When we die we will have that door swung fully open no matter how far God has opened it during the course of our lives. Does that make the quest to open that door further pointless? Or is that precisely the purpose of our lives? The idiot that comprehends little yet enough will know as much as us on that day, but that does not invalidate our pursuits. I think we strive on toward the truth because it is the only thing that makes sense.

We pursue God in order to live life to the full. Sin is sin because it runs contrary to the way God created us to live. It undermines our creation and destroys us. The fruit did not kill adam and eve directly, but choosing to live outside of the way God created them to be did. The better we understand who God is and what He has created us to be, the more we can truly live. I think that is God's desire for us...to live and to live well.

I may have contradicted myself throughout this conversation with myself, but that does not concern me. I hope that as this conversation continues more light will shine. And I hope others will join the conversation, that we can all progress together. The door can always be opened further and I trust the Lord will let me know if He wants me to "dig" less and "be" more.

We shake the foundations...were there any in the first place?

2005-01-30T03:57:00.000-05:00

Much of this venture is a result of processing and commenting on conversations that I am having in one of my classes this semester.

Yesterday was an introduction to the postmodernity discussion. A discussion of what the emerging church is going to be, how it is going to be affected by the tumultuous environment that the West presents today. There was an interesting comment that came up in our discussion.

Many Christians seem to be afraid that the church is shaking up and falling apart. That there are changes and conflicts throughout the body, but we must remember that our God is unshakable. The only thing that our changing culture can shake loose is something that God desires to shake loose. What I wonder is how many of the unhealthy things that modernity has attached to the church will be shaken off only to be replaced by unhealthy aspects of postmodernity. Foundations give way to webs, sure things to questions. Were there any foundations or sure things in the first place? Is there any more truth to be found in webs and questions?

Source of Information

2005-01-28T18:20:00.000-05:00

A lot of my posts over the next few months will be in response to different posts by John O'Keefe in his blog "Ginkworld, inside the mind of punk monkey" at www.ginkworld.blogspot.com. So, when I refer to O'Keefe, that is where you can see the full text.

Here ye! Here ye! (An Introduction)

2005-01-28T17:45:00.000-05:00

I have kept a journal now for a few years and it took me long enought to build up to that. I have this problem...most employers call it "attention to detail," but I call it being totally anal. Since I was young I tried to keep journals because who doesn't want to have some account of their lives to look back upon when they are older (I know there are plenty of people, but I will be requiring much poetic liscence over the course of my time here)? My "problem" did not affect my journaling until I missed a few days here and then a few days there. What was I to do? I had to catch up or else days of my adolescent life, in all their gradeur and excitement, would be lost...forever! (Note the superfluous exclamation point, believe it or not this is a man writing, just kidding ladies). Once those missed days amounted to more than I could recount, as they inevitably did, I would freak out and quit journaling for a while.

By my 20's I was able to allow myself some grace and continued plugging away at my journal despite long breaks of 6 months at time in some cases and now I am the well adjusted journaler that you have before you. The question is, "Can this translate to a blog?" We will see.