Worn out

I hope this is not becoming a pattern. After last semester I was tired, I mean really worn out, and it wasnt until halfway through january on a trip to florida that I regained some sense of energy and vitality. It was only by the gentle hand of God that I was truly refreshed. I looked at my journal and almost every entry for a month began with "I'm tired..." It wasnt until one morning in florida when I woke up at 8 am with no alarm fully refreshed that I started feeling normal and healthy again.

I feel tired again...really tired.

I am in this constant struggle as to whether I am going to continue my seminary education. I have so many things on my plate and they are good things, but I dont know if school is going to make the cut. I dont want to take classes for the sake of pursuing a degree. I want to want to do the work and learn the things I am learning. Part of me does, but there are so many things that eek out schoolwork and it ends up being the last thing on the list. Something to be put off until it must absolutely be done. I dont want to just do enough in grad school like I did in undergrad. I also dont want to be exhausted and in debt.

I have been asked to help run point for a fledgling church plant (which is a terrible term, any refrence to church with an "a" in front makes me uncomforable) and I do not know what that is going to end up looking like.

On a different note, for better or worse, I can look at the past few weeks and notice how different the days are when I dont set any (or much) time aside for the Lord. It has been quite remarkable.

And I just met my kathryn's ex-fiancee for the first time tonight. I dont know why it is so hard for me to like this guy. He seems like a decent guy and kathryn cares very much for him, but I just dont want anything to do with him. Since he lives 6 hours away I would think this wouldnt be a big deal, but kathryn is adamant about me getting to know him and liking him. I dont understand why I cant just ignore him. There are plenty of other friends of hers that I will never get to know. Granted, I havent had to pray through the same kind of unrational animosity toward them as I have toward him, but as it stands I dont dislike him, i just dont want to sit around a table with a bunch of people I dont know and talk about his family and how wonderful his sister and brother are. Maybe I am being unreasonable and I am probably still holding onto some unclaimed bitterness, but it feels like one more thing I dont have the energy to sort through right now....Man am I tired.