When Did I Stop Believeing in Magic?

I saw the first installment of the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday with Three Nails and I found myself holding back tears on a number of occasions. The interesting thing is that it was not at the "emotional" times. It was not the plot that shook me up. It was the setting and the portrayal of Narnia. Everytime the Pevensies stepped through the wardrobe I was overwhelmed becuase I found myself watching a well imagined world of fantasy. A world that I know does not exist and yet a world that I believe does exist. In many of Lewis' books he depicts a supernatural/spiritual world as a foil to our natural/physical world. A world that may not be true, but portrays truth all the same. As I was watching this particular depiction, I started remembering all of the things that I believed when I was little. All of the imaginary things that I later found out did not exist. It made me sad becuase I knew that I had stopped believing in magic.

I worship a God who is beyond what I can test by taste and touch and smell. I worship a God who is king over all of the universe and over all the heavens. I worship a God who has created all that I see out of nothing and this God does not make sense if I ascribe strictly to the world of "reality."

I was touched by so many parts of the Narnia because it reminded me that I do believe in things unseen. I cried becuase I do believe in the deep magic that has set me free from death.

I hope that I never forget because depression and death are all that await me in the world of "pure science."

Feeding the Poor

Dreamer gave me a call the other day to say he was out of jail and to ask for some money.

Dreamer is someone I met a couple of years ago who has been living on the streets since he was 14. He has a history of drug abuse and has had a very rough go at life. Dreamer stayed with us at Jane Street for a couple months before heading down to Florida for the winter (he spent Christmas with my family at my grandmother's...that was interesting). I have run into him on multiple occasions since then that have been a little more than "coincidence." God's hand has been on our relationship since it began. Until this week, he had never asked me for money.

He called to ask for some money for some basic needs stuff. Of course, being the good Christian steward of my money, I asked him if there were things I could buy him so that I did not have to send money. I have been conditioned to never give money because of course they (by "they" I mean the homeless and destitute) are going to buy drugs and alcohol. So, instead we give food and blankets and other necessities so that they can use the money other people give them for drugs and alcohol...but at least our conscience is clear.

I am sick of trying to justify that model against the model that Christ gave us. Give to those who ask of you...There are no stipulations. Sure, you can tell me that that was a different time under different circumstances as today, but the reality is that the command was to love and to give generously. The truth is that I have plenty of addictions that I use my money to feed daily. They may not be drugs and alcohol, they may not appear so sinister, but they are destroying me all the same.

What would happen if we started spending some of the money we use to feed our shopping, food, and entertainment addictions to actually give to the poor in an unpatronizing way. There is no way that I could talk to Dreamer today and tell him that I will send him anything but money and it not be completely patronizing. Here is a man whom I know, a man who comes to my house every time he is in town, a man that was totally honest with me as to why he got thrown in prison, a man who until now has never asked me for money, a man who greatly desires to be free of his addiction. God forbid, but I am going to give him some money. I can't keep self-righteously judging everyone that I see on the street anymore. It is getting hard to sleep at night.

Quote "Stepping Out in Faith"

The idea of "stepping out in faith" has come up in a couple different contexts this past week and I it is intrinsically connected with the concept that in our spiritual walks we meet God halfway. I have heard people talk about this so many times and I admit that I have described life like this myself, but I am coming to realize how deceptive and destructive this mindset is.

I have noticed in my interactions with my friends that this kind of thinking leads to one of two ends: agnosticism/atheism or depression. Here is my line of thinking...

In my experience there is some point in the life of every Christian (who believes that God meets them halfway) when they bottom out. They begin to feel that God is not there. In my experience, this leads to one of two places, either they believe that they are faithfully halfway and God is not there to meet them or they trust that God is faithfully halfway and they must just not be able (as hard as they may try) to make up their half of the trip. The first leads one to disown God because who wants a God that does not keep his end of the bargain. The second leads to depression because no matter how hard we try we never make it where we are convinced we should be able to go.

It may take some decades to get to the point of crashing and falling into one or the other, but I am convinced it will happen given enough time in our brokenness.

Instead of this model, I believe (and this has been a freeing notion to more than just me) that we are bound in our sin and are not capable of going halfway. I believe that we are not even capable of going anywhere and it is God that must come the whole way to us. That is why Jesus came and died for us, because God knew he had to do it all and Christ provided the way for him to reach out completely to us in our deadness and sin. God comes the whole way and sets us free and it is him alone that carries us into glory with him, not of our own work, but solely by his.

Life Together in Intimacy

Let me tell a story about my mom and dad...

My dad likes to sit in his den in the basement and be alone much of the time he is at home. For whatever reason he is most comfortable downstairs. Sometimes he even watches the same thing on his TV in the basement that we are watching in the living room. This is not every night, but many times this is the case. On nights such as these, he will come upstairs, at some point, and sit down with us. We will be sitting on the couch and he will sit down on the love seat which makes an "L" with the couch. He will sit there all night with us if he is left alone. However, most times, my mom will encourage him to come and sith "with us," meaning on the couch with us. He always does so and, inevitably, will get cramped or uncomfortable and want to leave. He will typically go downstairs within the next 30 minutes.

My thoughts...

My dad probably wants to have time by himself, but will come up and spend time with his family at least once or twice a night (more that most fathers I have encountered) becuase he loves us and wants to be with us. To what degree should we let him give what he is comfortable giving? Is it our job to encourage him to give more or is it our job to gladly receive what he offers and pray and hope that God will draw him out?

I ask these things and wonder becuase sometimes I feel like my dad on the love seat and sometimes I feel pressured to get off the love seat and give more. I have always felt that giving more was what I was supposed to do. I should work harder to give more because that is what God wants, right? That is what the good Christian does, right? As a Christian, I am expected to do more that I want and to give of myself until there is nothing left. What if I am tired and exhausted of giving more and just want to be allowed to stay on the couch once in a while? Am I a bad Christian? Am I a bad boyfriend? I feel like the answer is Yes! I am a terrible boyfriend and a terrible Christian. Relationships are all about giving of ourselves and valuing the other greater than ourselves and serving and giving and dying for one another...but it has been me who have been attempting the doing and thus I am exhausted and disparaged.

I feel, deep down, that it must be God who is doing the doing and not me, but I don't know what that looks like. I don't know how to let myself be who I am becuase that person is not good enough. What I am ever more coming to understand is that that person is never good enough. It must be God in us who works and moves us to love others and to die to ourselves, but what is life supposed to look like while that is not happening?

I am torn. Part of me wants to give all of myself and be the most amazing boyfriend ever (esp. as thoughts of being a husband continue to form) and the other part of me is tired of being-or trying to be-someone I am not because I am not the best boyfriend ever...Sometimes I just want to be left to sit on the love seat, but Jesus never stayed on the love seat...

...and Kathryn deserves much more than a man who just wants to say on the love seat.