I Have Failed My Fellow Man

I had the opportunity and pleasure to be seated with the 141st Diocesan Convention of the Episcopal Diocese of Pittsburgh. I was an non-voting member, but was given a voice on the floor. I regret that in the flurry of the debate and motions of amendment on Resolution 1 (Diocesan Request for alternative Primatial oversight) I did not use that voice.

The Diocese of Pittsburgh is overwhelmingly conservative and orthodox in its theology. There was no chance that the resolution to seek alternative Primatial oversight was going to be rejected.

A spokesperson for the twelve non-consenting, more liberal, parishes in the Diocese, motioned for an amendment to the resolution that would have provided these twelve parishes the opportunity to remain in Region 3 of the Episcopal Church and to continue to give their regional assessment contribution to the national church as opposed to another Anglican Archdiocese. There were actually two amendments that were proposed that offered this provision and both were rejected with little discussion. I was tremendously disappointed.

These people were simply asking for a concession to be recognized and permitted to continue to walk with the national church while our diocese actually breaks canonical law (so far as I can tell) and they were given no provision.

What distresses me is that those who voted against these amendments today were the same people whom I stood with at General Convention 2003 while those in power (the liberal arm of the church) granted no concession to a weak and powerless conservative voice. I remember our outcry at the decisions made and feeling like we were disregarded out of hand and given no real voice or provision. Now, I find the same situation where we have the opportunity to set the record straight and all I witnessed was what can only be considered as an incredible bout of amnesia. In this Diocese, we are the ones with the power and we refused to concede our ground to the powerless. Depressing to say the least.

This post is a call for the church to stand with the weak and powerless. A call for us all to remember that we are a people who are great on account of our meekness. A people who are strong in our weakness. And this only because our Lord himself took on flesh and was discounted, deserted, tortured, and killed in order that we may share in his victory.

I take the lead of one of my most dear mentors, that it is only when the powerful lay down their rights and power for the powerless that true reconciliation can be achieved.

My First True Regret

A bit of a forward...I am not sure what I think about regrets at this point in my life. I am not sure if I regret everything in my life or nothing at all and I am not sure what the better outlook is (if one is better than another). On one hand I do regret all the bad decisions I have made, but in a larger sense of who I am today because of God's grace in all of the decisions I have made and all the actions I have taken.

That said, I feel that this week has left me with my first true regret. It has put my life in a whole new perspective. This week I realized that there is going to be no chance for any real reconcilliation between Kathryn and I do not know how to accept it. Something I have always held onto is that reconcilliation is always possible, even in the worst of situations. My experiences have given me hope that no matter how badly a relationship is damaged, there is a hope for redemption. Today I realized that hope is all but hopeless. It is difficult to sort though.

The Boys of Summer (aka I Like Like Summer)

Before last night's show, it had been almost a year since I had last seen Like Summer in concert. That show at The Quiet Storm was one of a kind. We just sat there listening as they were allowed to play well beyond their original set. They just kept on going, taking requests and playing without worry, songs they hadn't practiced in years. That was a good night for me. Just like yesterday was a good night for me.

Since their beginnings, Like Summer has been one of those bands whose history has always been intertwined with my life. There isn't a show or a song that doesn't take me back to a beautiful time in my life and I love it. There is a nostalgia in their shows that sometimes causes me to drift off and stop paying attention at times. I can't quite describe it. Their music will never get old for me. It will always take me back to the first summer after I graduated where I lived with the band on Jane Street in the South Side while they stumbled into the Pittsburgh music scene. It will take me back to the times when at any given moment you could pick up one of two or three guitars that were resting against the wall downstairs and start playing. Times of Steve and I standing in the kitchen making some milk-free dinner while we talked about who knows what. Times of private concerts in our upstairs room while Steve played through some of his new songs.

So last night when we partied at Peter's house and eventually sat down to an intimate sing along with Steve and Ben, it was just like old times listening to the songs from back when you only had to go upstairs to hang out with any of them.

Maybe I am just a groupie. I don't know. But everytime I see the Boys of Summer play, it is a good day.

Blessings and Encouragement

I just posted on the Three Nails website about a most curious experience. The post is called "For Thereby You Have Entertained Angels Unawares". You can read about my last day with David there. I am posting it here because I want to share the story with more people and becuase I want to expand a little on my own personal experiences these past few months in a venue that is not as sensitive as the three nails blog.

The past few months have been miserable for me in many ways. It has simply been very difficult to get on between all the different jobs and school and the ordination process, etc. It is only this past week or so that I have felt like I have been coming out of it in some regards. This last 24 hours have been some of the most encouraging time that I can remember. I have been feeling like we have been "playing church" more than being the church. That half of the people I know want us to fail because we arent doing things right and the other half are looking to us as the hope for the future church and we are here just trying to be real and authentic Christians in a dark and broken world.

It is tough when you feel like you are spinning your wheels and that all you have is not good enough. David's visit and encouragement is incredible. For him to say that we are an honest, real group of people who do our religion a great service is the kind of statement that drives the soul onward. For him to take notes during Megan's life story and initially believe that she was only going to be honest to a point and then for her to launch into the gritty details leaving him with nothing negative to say about it is refreshing.

I know what we have to offer the world...the cross and Christ crucified, but many times it feels that we are not really offering that. The days that God reminds us that we are still walking his path are good days.

Questions of Call

So, as of late last month I am an aspirant of the Diocese of Pittsburgh and I have my Postulancy interviews in March. I find it ironic that now that I have finally gotten around to starting the process I am questioning my call more than ever...maybe that is not quite right. I cannot say that I am actually questioning my call. I still know this is where the Lord is leading me, but the commitments that I have right now are starting to wear on me. The three jobs on top of my full-time school load is too much, I don't see how I can cut back anytime soon.

I cannot stop school if I ever want to finish the ordination process that I recently started and I cannot pay for school even with the two paying jobs that I have now. So I am piling up debt in order to finish school, so that I can be ordained, so that the church that I am helping to pastor (my third job albeit unpaid) can be permitted to celebrate the sacraments properly within the Episcopal tradition from which we were born.

This is all in addition to trying to figure out if I should propose to the woman I am dating (I can write that here, it is no secret). She keeps getting the short end of the stick because she is the only commitment without a deadline. As harsh and insensitive as that sounds it is the truth. I am having a hell of a time with the fact that I am that man that does not have time for his family.

Well, sorry that my only post in a month is a bitchfest, but sometimes you need to put some things out there and this is where I do it. For those looking for more theological discussion, I am sure that will come in the following weeks. I am taking a January intensive this next week on the theology of Paul, which will foster some good conversation.