When Did I Stop Believeing in Magic?

I saw the first installment of the Chronicles of Narnia yesterday with Three Nails and I found myself holding back tears on a number of occasions. The interesting thing is that it was not at the "emotional" times. It was not the plot that shook me up. It was the setting and the portrayal of Narnia. Everytime the Pevensies stepped through the wardrobe I was overwhelmed becuase I found myself watching a well imagined world of fantasy. A world that I know does not exist and yet a world that I believe does exist. In many of Lewis' books he depicts a supernatural/spiritual world as a foil to our natural/physical world. A world that may not be true, but portrays truth all the same. As I was watching this particular depiction, I started remembering all of the things that I believed when I was little. All of the imaginary things that I later found out did not exist. It made me sad becuase I knew that I had stopped believing in magic.

I worship a God who is beyond what I can test by taste and touch and smell. I worship a God who is king over all of the universe and over all the heavens. I worship a God who has created all that I see out of nothing and this God does not make sense if I ascribe strictly to the world of "reality."

I was touched by so many parts of the Narnia because it reminded me that I do believe in things unseen. I cried becuase I do believe in the deep magic that has set me free from death.

I hope that I never forget because depression and death are all that await me in the world of "pure science."

Feeding the Poor

Dreamer gave me a call the other day to say he was out of jail and to ask for some money.

Dreamer is someone I met a couple of years ago who has been living on the streets since he was 14. He has a history of drug abuse and has had a very rough go at life. Dreamer stayed with us at Jane Street for a couple months before heading down to Florida for the winter (he spent Christmas with my family at my grandmother's...that was interesting). I have run into him on multiple occasions since then that have been a little more than "coincidence." God's hand has been on our relationship since it began. Until this week, he had never asked me for money.

He called to ask for some money for some basic needs stuff. Of course, being the good Christian steward of my money, I asked him if there were things I could buy him so that I did not have to send money. I have been conditioned to never give money because of course they (by "they" I mean the homeless and destitute) are going to buy drugs and alcohol. So, instead we give food and blankets and other necessities so that they can use the money other people give them for drugs and alcohol...but at least our conscience is clear.

I am sick of trying to justify that model against the model that Christ gave us. Give to those who ask of you...There are no stipulations. Sure, you can tell me that that was a different time under different circumstances as today, but the reality is that the command was to love and to give generously. The truth is that I have plenty of addictions that I use my money to feed daily. They may not be drugs and alcohol, they may not appear so sinister, but they are destroying me all the same.

What would happen if we started spending some of the money we use to feed our shopping, food, and entertainment addictions to actually give to the poor in an unpatronizing way. There is no way that I could talk to Dreamer today and tell him that I will send him anything but money and it not be completely patronizing. Here is a man whom I know, a man who comes to my house every time he is in town, a man that was totally honest with me as to why he got thrown in prison, a man who until now has never asked me for money, a man who greatly desires to be free of his addiction. God forbid, but I am going to give him some money. I can't keep self-righteously judging everyone that I see on the street anymore. It is getting hard to sleep at night.

Quote "Stepping Out in Faith"

The idea of "stepping out in faith" has come up in a couple different contexts this past week and I it is intrinsically connected with the concept that in our spiritual walks we meet God halfway. I have heard people talk about this so many times and I admit that I have described life like this myself, but I am coming to realize how deceptive and destructive this mindset is.

I have noticed in my interactions with my friends that this kind of thinking leads to one of two ends: agnosticism/atheism or depression. Here is my line of thinking...

In my experience there is some point in the life of every Christian (who believes that God meets them halfway) when they bottom out. They begin to feel that God is not there. In my experience, this leads to one of two places, either they believe that they are faithfully halfway and God is not there to meet them or they trust that God is faithfully halfway and they must just not be able (as hard as they may try) to make up their half of the trip. The first leads one to disown God because who wants a God that does not keep his end of the bargain. The second leads to depression because no matter how hard we try we never make it where we are convinced we should be able to go.

It may take some decades to get to the point of crashing and falling into one or the other, but I am convinced it will happen given enough time in our brokenness.

Instead of this model, I believe (and this has been a freeing notion to more than just me) that we are bound in our sin and are not capable of going halfway. I believe that we are not even capable of going anywhere and it is God that must come the whole way to us. That is why Jesus came and died for us, because God knew he had to do it all and Christ provided the way for him to reach out completely to us in our deadness and sin. God comes the whole way and sets us free and it is him alone that carries us into glory with him, not of our own work, but solely by his.

Life Together in Intimacy

Let me tell a story about my mom and dad...

My dad likes to sit in his den in the basement and be alone much of the time he is at home. For whatever reason he is most comfortable downstairs. Sometimes he even watches the same thing on his TV in the basement that we are watching in the living room. This is not every night, but many times this is the case. On nights such as these, he will come upstairs, at some point, and sit down with us. We will be sitting on the couch and he will sit down on the love seat which makes an "L" with the couch. He will sit there all night with us if he is left alone. However, most times, my mom will encourage him to come and sith "with us," meaning on the couch with us. He always does so and, inevitably, will get cramped or uncomfortable and want to leave. He will typically go downstairs within the next 30 minutes.

My thoughts...

My dad probably wants to have time by himself, but will come up and spend time with his family at least once or twice a night (more that most fathers I have encountered) becuase he loves us and wants to be with us. To what degree should we let him give what he is comfortable giving? Is it our job to encourage him to give more or is it our job to gladly receive what he offers and pray and hope that God will draw him out?

I ask these things and wonder becuase sometimes I feel like my dad on the love seat and sometimes I feel pressured to get off the love seat and give more. I have always felt that giving more was what I was supposed to do. I should work harder to give more because that is what God wants, right? That is what the good Christian does, right? As a Christian, I am expected to do more that I want and to give of myself until there is nothing left. What if I am tired and exhausted of giving more and just want to be allowed to stay on the couch once in a while? Am I a bad Christian? Am I a bad boyfriend? I feel like the answer is Yes! I am a terrible boyfriend and a terrible Christian. Relationships are all about giving of ourselves and valuing the other greater than ourselves and serving and giving and dying for one another...but it has been me who have been attempting the doing and thus I am exhausted and disparaged.

I feel, deep down, that it must be God who is doing the doing and not me, but I don't know what that looks like. I don't know how to let myself be who I am becuase that person is not good enough. What I am ever more coming to understand is that that person is never good enough. It must be God in us who works and moves us to love others and to die to ourselves, but what is life supposed to look like while that is not happening?

I am torn. Part of me wants to give all of myself and be the most amazing boyfriend ever (esp. as thoughts of being a husband continue to form) and the other part of me is tired of being-or trying to be-someone I am not because I am not the best boyfriend ever...Sometimes I just want to be left to sit on the love seat, but Jesus never stayed on the love seat...

...and Kathryn deserves much more than a man who just wants to say on the love seat.

The Trinity

Here is something I just wrote in a paper for my chruch history class and I wanted to post it for comment and feedback. This is a bit of an amalgam of some of the things I have read as well as some of the recent conversations I have had. I am interested to hear what people have to say about it (if you do).

So, as I understand it, there is the Godhead who in his perfect unity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit has, in his infinite love, made room in his community for his Creation. The purpose of this Creation is to participate in the reciprocal, mutually giving and receiving relationship that is perfectly expressed in the Trinity itself. As we join in relationship with the triune God through the person and work of Jesus Christ we begin to properly relate one another and with the rest of Creation (not just people, but the world we relate within) with the final end of rejoining in the perfect perichoresis, or dance, of God and Creation.

A New Dichotomy

It has been too long since my last post...too much time spent doing classwork and not enought time spent thinking about it. However, I was at a discussion with Tony Jones (an author involved in the emergent movement) tonight, and it got me thinking about the prevailing transition to "both/and" from "either/or." I have always been a fan of this switch, but tonight has me questioning the "both/and" understanding. What if it isn't a "both/and" either, but a "yes, but."

Perhaps what I hear most from the emergent conversation is that friendship is the heart of good theology, that the conversation is truth, and that the truth of the gospel is found as it is made incarnate in culture. For the most part I agree with this and much of what is said in emergent circles, but I feel like no one there is willing to say that there is an absolute truth. Even though I don't believe that anyone can fully understand the immense truth of God, I do believe that the immense truth of God is absolute. There is so much fear that the idea of an absolute truth will be oppressive and will be forced upon people and I think it is a reaction to something that has occured more than it is a reality. Sure, when we believe we have the absolute truth of God figrued out bad things happen, but that is not a reason to disregard the idea of it all together. If we do then we tend to find ourselves having a conversation about an amorphous good instead of a conversation about the truth of God. Foundations are not bad, Jesus talks about them more than once, it is when we place our theology on the wrong foundation that we trip ourselves (and too many other people along with us) up.

All this is to say that I was thinking about the idea of looking at situations and theology as a "yes, but" instead of a "both/and" and here is what I mean. When someone asks me if there are requirements to be a Christian, I no longer want to try and dodge the question and try to convince them that that is the wrong question. Instead, I want to say, "Yes there are, but I do not completely understand what they entail and I am not as concerned with how you measure up to them as I am about who you are and how you are doing."

Wow...

...its good to be home. Great trip, I missed everyone so much.

Prague and the Bone Church

Took a day trip out to Kutna Hora today with Kathryn to see the Ossuary or Bone Church. It was an old mortuary that was overloaded after the plague swept across europe and a lot of exhumed bones were left piled up around the church. At some point an artist came along and redesigned the chapel with the addition of sculptures, tapestries, chandeliers, and other decor made out of human bones. It was pretty amazing. we have a bunch of pictures and a short video of the place. very exciting.

And can I take this time to bitch about how much of a pain it is to tzpe when the z and the y kezs are switched around...oh, and I cant make apostrophes or question marks either, sorrz about that.

On to Praha

Stopped off in Prague today and it is beautiful like every other place here. it is amazing, so beautiful and full of old history and culture (not to mention good beer and wine). i am running out of time here on the internet, but i wanted to get something up. we only walked around a little tonight and frank and belle will be here tomorrow to hang out for the rest of our time here. so far this had been excellent. even though the weather hasnt been the best, we have only had one really bad rainy day. it has rained a little every other day since then, but we havent been put out too bad since budapest. take care all.

K

Catching Up

So, it seems the last post was back in santiago. well, it rained our last couple days there and it was off to madrid last saturday. madrid was beautiful, but did not grab me like the other places we have been did. This week was in budapest and it rained pretty much the whole time (except for the very beginning and end), but was nice enough to see most of the city still. Then, this morning we are here in Vienna Austria and it was raining at first, but is very nice out and we are hoping for continued good weather. peace.

Mono

Turns out Kathryn has mono and will not be getting better in a week from antibiotics. in fact, she has a rash becuase the antibiotics clash with the mono (or something like that). We went to the hospital today to get checked out...well, she did and i came later after i woke up and found out she had been take there. It only took three confusing conversations with people who spoke as much english as i speak galego (the language here is not spanish, it is actually closer to portuguese, who knew!) to find her and shortly thereafter the doctor came in with the bloodwork and gave us the bad news. she told us that kathryn should go home, but we went for a second opinion and it seems she will be okay as long as she has ample rest and an opportunity to lay down when she gets exhausted. hopefully, all will be fine.

i wonder if i gave it to her because i have always wanted to blame my need for 10 hours of sleep a night on the fact that i had mono. i have never gotten sick and doubt very much that i have mono. maybe one day we will know. until then i will press on throughout the rest of europe with the gang.

i am going to go cook some dinner for kathryn and laura (one of the girls with us on the trip). peace...K

"The Day of Breaking" and Other News

A couple of days ago was a rough day for all of us. Laura´s bag broke, Kathryn´s strep was only getting worse (and unfortunately still is, pray for her), Belle´s suitcase broke, and my glasses broke. Then later that evening I managed to lose one of my contacts, one of only two that I brought since I was expecting to wear my glasses most of the time. So far, my second application of duct tape has sufficed.

Tomorrow is St. James Day, the biggest holiday i know of here in santiago, but the celebration is tonight (much like new year´s day for us) and the place is insane. people everywhere and a million things going on all around. the celebration has been raging for a few hours now (it is almost 10), but it wont be in full swing until probably 1 or 2. No one goes to bed here before 4 in the morning or so. think of what we are used to in the states and add 4 hours. dinner is at 9 or 10 and they dont even go out until 1 or 2. its crazy. i have been going to bed early around 3 or so.

Fireworks are in an hour and i am signing off. take care all.

Rough couple months

Havent posted in a while, so no one is going to be checking this anytime soon i am guessing. i have had quite a rough couple months, but i am now on the upswing and things are smoothing out. this last downswing was pretty unique because i was still having fairly regular alone times (although much less frequent than usual). time to journal and time to read scripture, etc. Things with kathryn were up and down, but more frequently down. i was in a lot of transition and the like. all this combined with not having much i wanted to write about nor wanting to do much more than continue to simply exist.

that said, i am now in spain at the beginning of a month long tour of europe and things are beginning to smooth themsleves out. it is exciting and i am going to try and post my thoughts and experiences here over the course of the trip. after that, i will be back in school and i hope that will give me some fuel for writing here more often.

first thoughts...porto portugal was beautiful and i loved my short stay there (not to mention jumping off a bridge 50 ft into the river below in my boxers with my best friend). it was a picturesque city and it is worth spending some time there just to take it all in. it is also really cheap. however, santiago is more beautiful to me becuase it is beautiful to be in and not just beautiful to look at. the old town part where we will be most of our stay is all stone with sculptures and a giant cathedral, and fountains and it is gorgeous. i love it (and i had a giant chicken sandwich and french fries and a cafe con leche for like 7 bucks for dinner, they love french fries here and in porto). more to come, but i wanted to get something down here for now. peace.

Across From Me...Beauty.

There is an older woman here at the coffee shop who is shaking like she has Parkinson's disease. Her manner is a little unkempt as she sits, drinking coffee as she stares out the window. She breaks my heart...but should she? Is it not possible that she is far more content, far more joyful about who she is and where God has her in life than I will ever be? Is it not possible that she has untold treasures that I know nothing about? Why do I think that she is miserable, while assuming that the man walking down the street is just fine? We [the snobs, the elitests] think we know so much, but we really just a bunch of arrogant bastards and I hate it.

This woman sits here as she probably does every morning. She is a wealth of the beauty of God's creation and at one glance she is boxed up and ready to be shipped out without a second thought. I bitch about how the church has marginalized so many of God's children, but now I feel that I am far worse than the church will ever be.

So she sits with her purse around shoulder and on her lap, jeans tucked into her white athletic socks. She has long curly brown hair that began to turn grey after her last haircut. Under her is a winter coat and a thick winter sweater. Her large coffee is in a to go cup, and she is ready to step out into a cold winter night...

...but it is june in Minneapolis and it is 80 degrees outside and right now, at this moment, she is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

Lord, please magnify your blessings upon her and make your light to shine upon her. I pray that she would bask in paradise with you in the age to come. I pray that one day I will look as she does right now, a simple, quiet beauty as she waits, prepared for winter that will eventually come.

Our Continued Disagreement

I have a tendency to want to prooftext things. When I am thinking about theological issues particular verses and passages pop into my head as "relevant." I don't think I like that really. It is good to have an idea of what the bible specifically speaks to something, but I want to be able to approach the issue with an understanding of how the whole of scripture, how the whole of the Gospel addresses a situation.

These thoughts are coming from a conversation I had with my friend holly about a teaching I gave at our weekly Three Nails gathering. The center of my teaching was an understanding of grace that is free and comes as a result of our total depravity through the incarnation, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

There is a contrast between a belief of total depravity (a complete inability to do good outside of the good fruit that occurs naturally as a result of the good root that is God within us) and a belief of progressive sanctification (that the good image with which we were created, while broken, is still capable of some good and our sanctification is the continued progression toward life that is fostered and nurtured by our Creator).

I know that I do not have all of the angles in the discussion covered, but these are the thoughts that are swirling around in my head. I know that there are differing opinions and ideas and interpretations of the scriptures and that many will respectfully disagree with mine and the same for me and others'. The question is how do we discuss without debating. How do we have fundamental differences in our view of grace and responsibility and continue to truly respect and love one another?

Holly, this is the discussion I want to be having. I am not so concerned about the above debate. I want us to live life together, have discussions along the way, and ultimately press deeper and deeper into the love and truth of God as he reveals it to us. Let's save the debate for another day.

The Worry Wort (sp?)

Five couples...two batches of pad thai...1 far too time consuming game of skip bo.

That was last night.

Today I am at work. My last day at Rynn's Luggage in the South Side. It is time to leave, time to worry about where the next paycheck will come from, time to remember that I don't have it figured out.

I find it amazing how many things there are to worry about. I findit ridiculous how many things that I worry about and how many things other people worry about and how easily we get frustrated at each other for worrying about stupid things when there are so many important things to worry about.

They are all stupid yet we find such comfort in our worries...why? I am guessing it has something to do with control becuase I am finding more and more that everything gets back to control, back to original sin, if you dig deep enough. Is it the terrifying realization that we are not in control?

I can think of two situations where the potential for worry is found: having responsibility for something and caring for someone. Worry comes when there is a chance that something we are responsible for might not work out as we hope (important meeting, preparing dinner, a hot date), or when there is an indication that someone we care for may change in a way that is not desirable to us (strange behavior, death, etc).

This is my premise and I have come up with many ideas and thoughts surrounding worry and control and the like, but I have decided to leave all of that out in hope that others will share their thoughts and opinions on worry.

Why do we worry? Are we claiming control and responsibility for things that are not our own? Or are some things under our control and things that we are responsible for? I don't know and I think I will opt out of feeling like I must have an answer.

Worn out

I hope this is not becoming a pattern. After last semester I was tired, I mean really worn out, and it wasnt until halfway through january on a trip to florida that I regained some sense of energy and vitality. It was only by the gentle hand of God that I was truly refreshed. I looked at my journal and almost every entry for a month began with "I'm tired..." It wasnt until one morning in florida when I woke up at 8 am with no alarm fully refreshed that I started feeling normal and healthy again.

I feel tired again...really tired.

I am in this constant struggle as to whether I am going to continue my seminary education. I have so many things on my plate and they are good things, but I dont know if school is going to make the cut. I dont want to take classes for the sake of pursuing a degree. I want to want to do the work and learn the things I am learning. Part of me does, but there are so many things that eek out schoolwork and it ends up being the last thing on the list. Something to be put off until it must absolutely be done. I dont want to just do enough in grad school like I did in undergrad. I also dont want to be exhausted and in debt.

I have been asked to help run point for a fledgling church plant (which is a terrible term, any refrence to church with an "a" in front makes me uncomforable) and I do not know what that is going to end up looking like.

On a different note, for better or worse, I can look at the past few weeks and notice how different the days are when I dont set any (or much) time aside for the Lord. It has been quite remarkable.

And I just met my kathryn's ex-fiancee for the first time tonight. I dont know why it is so hard for me to like this guy. He seems like a decent guy and kathryn cares very much for him, but I just dont want anything to do with him. Since he lives 6 hours away I would think this wouldnt be a big deal, but kathryn is adamant about me getting to know him and liking him. I dont understand why I cant just ignore him. There are plenty of other friends of hers that I will never get to know. Granted, I havent had to pray through the same kind of unrational animosity toward them as I have toward him, but as it stands I dont dislike him, i just dont want to sit around a table with a bunch of people I dont know and talk about his family and how wonderful his sister and brother are. Maybe I am being unreasonable and I am probably still holding onto some unclaimed bitterness, but it feels like one more thing I dont have the energy to sort through right now....Man am I tired.

A Response to "i am emergent, i am not Emergent"

i am emergent, i am not Emergent

This post gets at the heart of much of my struggle to really engage at the emergent convention at asbury this month. I agree with everything he says about being "emergent." The thing is that, aside from the "post-"whatevers, it is simply a description of what Christ calls everyone in his church to be.

I had a good conversation over dinner the other day with the pastor of a reformed presbyterian church in ipswich, mass. named David. Those he leads would not consider themselves "emerging" from what I can tell. I doubt many of them have ever even heard the term (or post-protestant, or post-anything), but David has a beautiful understanding of the gospel and it is exactly what john describes. The result of our conversation is that I have come to feel that much of the emergent conversation is reactionary, not emergent. While we are emerging into a new culture and state of the world, it does not seem like the basics of the gospel are changing. It does not even seem like the interpretations that people have are all that new. I am afraid it is more that we have all seen really bad examples of being church and have met a lot of people who have been burned (many of us included) and we are reacting to that.

I have spent a meal with a very "modern" pastor and it has convinced me that if every church for the past 50 years had been led by a man (or woman) with similar convictions there would be no emerging conversation today. At least no term "emergent" as john has described here. David has art shows at his church and contemporary services and he would probably never label himself as "emergent;" he would simply call himself a Christian.

No matter how much our culture changes, the love of God will be relevant and true. It will not take fancy ways of communicating that love, just authenticity. It is true, we should spend a lot of time talking about what that means and what that looks like and if that is what the emerging conversation is about then bring it on, but if not, lets spend our time doing something else.

I would love to hear people's comments on this because I have spent the last three years in this conversation and planting an "emergent" church, so these new thoughts are quite a lot for me. Any thoughts?

A Response to "Whose On First"

Whose On First

First, I cant help but be distracted by the use of "whose" instead of "who's," but I recognize that is not the issue...

I think that John and Andrew are right in their discussion about the church eating itself alive. Why do we need to fight incessantly about these issues? I hope that all of us are constantly looking at the fruits of our lives. If something we are doing or something we are saying is bearing bad fruit, I hope that we are changing our approaches. Why can we not trust each other to be seeking truth and the love of God? Why can we not all have a higher opinion of the holy spirit? If we did, we wouldnt worry about any of this becuase we would trust that God is in control and that he will see his people through. If we think someone has a bad theology, let God handle it. What are we really going to do? Has yelling at the street preacher who is yelling at those around him ever accomplished anything? I will stop there before I venture too close to "cant we all just get along."

I do want to note my support of Andrew's comment about feeling that the gospel is never about pissing someone off (a bit paraphrased). Everytime I have said this there is the inevitable response of "But the Gospel is offensive..." Yes, I agree that the gospel is offensive, but it is not our job to offend people with it. Our call is to always be able to give a defense for the reason we believe (note the word 'defense') and to do it with "gentleness and respect." The church would have less people pissed at it if we held this as a value with any kind of seriousness.

Playing Catch Up

It has been a bit too long since my last post. However, not long enough to merit a full account of my recent thoughts since I need to go to bed and I am exhausted. I have been here at the Emergent Worship, Art, Liturgy, Preaching conference and it has been interesting. I must say that I am still a bit surprised that worship was included in the list as opposed to being an overarching concept (i had thought the name was worship: art, liturgy, Preaching, but there is a comma, not a colon).

The main sessions have been excellent thus far. Brian McLaren always has good things to say and tonight a woman named Maggie Dawn spoke and it was spectacular. I hope I can find a recording of it somewhere becuase she spoke to my heart and affirmed a lot of the thoughts I have been having about scripture lately. In fact, she poetically spoke on a topic that Kathryn and I had in the car on the way to Boston last week and explained it much better than I did. She was attempting to clarify the understanding that all scripture is inspired. She believes that the inspiration of the scriptures is not about the precision of the words, but about the power of the poetic to speak into particular human situations. I really like that statement. She also commented, "The Word of God is the second person of the Trinity, not the fourth and it should be treated as such." It was good stuff.

The seminars have been so so. I think I have just not gone to the right ones for where I am at currently. They were the ones that I wanted to go to, but they were not what I had hoped they would be. It has been to no fault of the speakers, everyone has done a good job so far, I have just not resonated with them as much.

My overall impression compared to three years ago (my last emergent experience) is interesting. Three years ago we were all still searching, I felt we were all very new to the conversation and the bookstore only had about 10 books and half of them did not even address the "emergent church" specifically (like Dallas Willard's Divine Conspiracy). However, now there are 75 books and 30 videos and 20 gurus...it is a different scene. I am still hearing, "we don't have any answers, just questions," but I believe it a little less this time around. So far this is not really a criticism, I need to think some more about it. We will see how the rest of the conference goes and I will probably comment more.

Eyes, Stomach, and Heart

I think my body is shutting down. My eyes and stomach hurt. I haven't been at the computer too much today or straining my eyes on anything and as for my stomach, I ate a little while ago...long enough that it can't be my meal that is upsetting my stomach, but recently enought that it cannot be a lack of food that is putting me off. My heart on the other hand has good reason to be a little tender.

Today, my father had a catheterization done and in two weeks he will go under the knife for a double bypass and an aortic valve replacement. I have generally written this off rationally as no big deal. I tell myself that if it is his time to go, I would rather be able to prepare and spend some extra time with my dad, than to have him die in a sudden car crash out of the blue. However, this overlooks the stark reality that my mind has never really allowed myself to consider the reality that my dad will some day go away. Now I am...I have to.

I do not know if my dad loves the God I have devoted my life to, but I have never met a man who better exemplifies the redeemed life. The root of who my dad is creates better fruit than anyone I know. There is more grace and love and charity and respect and integrity flowing naturally out of him than anyone else I know.

Now I am faced with considering life without him and it makes me want to vomit. It does not make me want to simply throw up and get rid of that nasty upset stomach. It makes me want to hurl up all that is inside of me until I have nothing left. Then I will weep. Not cry, but weep...sob. The kind of sob that carries my entire body with it into sorrow. The kind of weeping that once I am finished I can do nothing but lie still and fall asleep. The sleep will be brief, but painless.

My dad and I don't talk much. I hope that one day that changes, but everytime the opportunity to talk emerges a lump forms in my throat and I am speechless. I have nothing to say and if that does not change, I will one day lose the chance to hear some of the most fruitful and wise words I might ever have the opportunity to hear. I hope that day is not April 15.

Tax day...he told the doctor that his taxes were filed so that wouldn't be a problem...He was laying there in a bed and wasn't allowed to sit up. He just laid there for the afternoon...Helpless. The surgeon is one of the best (from what I hear), he does this every week. He is usually successful, but sometimes he loses a patient. What if that patient is my dad. Dr. Park will go home and so will I, but I won't have a dad anymore.

Who knows...maybe its all bullshit and I am just coming down with something.

A Response to "And They Claim Love :)"

I do not know the particular arguments that make up the mohler/mclaren debate, but something that John says strikes a chord.

"For me, I am of the mind that for the conversation to move forward, and to truly be emerging we need to truly and openly be able to question everything, and the "mohler camp" would rather we just accept their views and never question" (Spelling correction added).

I have the opportunity to go to another emergent conference this month. It has been over three years since I have attended one, but from that first one I was freed from the bondage of simply accepting the views I had (that I had been given) and never questioning. I was allowed to ask tough questions. Questions that my heart had been asking all along. Questions I had simply quelled becuase of course I had the answers somewhere...I just hadn't found them yet.

Over the past few years I have realized that God is not afraid of my questions. They are child's play to him. He is real and he is truth. No amount of questioning and doubting and heresy will ever change that fact. However, what that questioning and doubting and heresy has changed is me. It has allowed me to break out of the know-it-all legalism of my youth and into a (sometimes) humble place of realization...that I only understand a small portion of truth. Truth is so much bigger than me that I can never hope to box it up and mass produce it and ship it off. I tried for much of my life and it doesn't work.

The truth of God is big and it is beautiful and left alone from our meddling it can speak volumes to the broken and battered souls that we encounter everyday (including our own). The truth of God is real and it will redeem this world, but we will not be a part of that if we insist on being able to fully know it.

I don't ever want to have all the answers again. I don't ever want to have more answers than questions. I say ask the questions and join the dance.

Not Everyone Is Crazy About Postmodernity

Here is a quote by Michael Horton, who is a professor and reformed theologian speaking on the church's response to the cultural shift we find ourselves in today:

This general trend in culture [Postmodernism] translates into hipper-than-thou clubs passing for youth ministry, informal chats passing for sermons, and brazen marketing passing for evangelism, where busyness equals holiness, and expository preaching is considered too intellectual. This trend can account in part for homes in which disciplined habits both of domestic culture and instruction in Christian faith and practice give way to niche marketing and churches becoming theaters of the absurd.

All I can say is wow. I sure as hell hope that this is not what I am doing with threenails (the community I am involved in)...I don't think it is, but man does it force you to think about the ways you can tighten up in whatever you are doing.

R. Matthew

Can I just say that I love. my friend Matt. He is my friend who posted the passoinate rebuttal to my statments in the From Abortion To Everyday Life post. I am quite sure that we will have vastly different theologies for our entire lives, but we agree on the essentials (in my opinion) and because of that we will always have good, growth filled, and life-giving discussions. Matt...some of what you said I am down with, but most of it I couldn't disagree with more, but as always, it will be fun to hash through it. Take care, it has been good living life with you Mr. R. Matthew.

From Abortion to Everyday Life

Here is a quote from my ethics class by Bill Tilbert who is a Presbyterian minister. It is about abortion, but is a statement about the church's heart at large in my opinion and it begs the question:

How serious is the church when it comes to our typically comfortable lives?

During the 1960's and 1970's there was an antiwar slogan that asked, "What if they gave a war and nobody came?" The point was what if there was a declaration of war and all the people just refused to participate? What if there were abortion clinics but nobody went in? What if abortion was a legal choice, but it was a choice nobody took? Changes in the law, blocking abortion clinics, demeaning name-calling will not stop abortions. The history of the church through the ages has been the history of changes brought about in soiciety through the church demonstrating and living an alternative vision of life. We need to stop telling our nonbelieving neighbors how wrong their way of life is, and we need to start showing the power of the gospel in the way we live...Let me ask you: Which has greater power? Ten thousand people who fill the streets in front of abortion clinics and shame those seeking abortions, or ten thousand people in California who take to the state capital a petition they have signed stating they will take any unwanted child of any age, any color, any physical condition so that they can love that child in the name of Jesus Christ?

Amen

Moving On After 11 Years

When I was in eighth grade I made the biggest mistake of my life and to this day it is the only single action that I regret. While it was a part of shaping me into who I am today, I am sorry that it happened. I went home early from school and was lying on the couch and somehow got the good idea to go down the street to the house of one of my old best friends (that I hadn't talked to in years) and break into his house. I stole a bunch of different things and took off. Long story short, I was almost arrested when I was turned in by someone I had told at school. The only reason I didn't go to juvee was because the family didn't want to press charges.

I did not talk to the family for 10 years when I saw my old best friend last year and apologized. I figured it was over, until last night. I walked into a prayer meeting that I had helped organize and walked by a man that could only have been the father who had let me off the hook years before. He happened to be the new pastor of the church where we were meeting. Quite a surprise to say the least.

I spoke to him after the meeting and apologized to him formally. I hadn't even seen him since long before the incident and he didn't recognize me, but we talked and it was good. We have both done things we regret and he was quick to forgive. I guess I am so impressed by the encounter because it was something that had long since passed in my life. It had been reduced to an anecdote in my testimony, but it is more than that. It was an action that hurt a family whom I loved. I can never forget that part of it. There was damage done by my actions and it must always remain a reminder of who I am in the flesh and the things that I am capable of when I act out of brokenness and pain. I will not quickly forget last night.

The Consequences of Responsibility

My best friend just called. He said that if he and I left tomorrow to go to Philadelphia we could ski in Vermont for the cost of a $50 bus ride. I said I could not because I just got back from Philly and I have work that needs to be done and a worship gathering for Threenails that I am responsible for seeing through.

He called back 5 minutes later and said that we didn't even need to pay for the bus ride. Get to Philly and it's all free. Totally free. Damn it. I can't go.

Do I love skiing? Yes. Would I miss this worship gathering for recreation? No. It is as simple as that. A large part of me is astounded at the response. How could I pass up free skiing in Vermont? (Did I mention that I had been hoping to ski there for the past two years?) Ridiculous.

I have experienced two kinds of responsibility in my life. There is the kind that makes me feel trapped and smothered. A responsibility that has little freedom in it and consists almost entirely of guilt. The other contains nothing but freedom. Guilt cannot enter in because it is part of who I am; who God has made me to be in his grace. To shirk that responsibility would be to deny who I am as a part of the body of Christ. I gladly sacrifice my earthly desires for them. It is the only thing that makes sense.

I think that is the thing about the gospel, especially when it is internalized. Our sinful rebellion is as much about us rebelling against ourselves as it is about us rebelling against God. In fact, I think that is at the heart of sin. Sin is not just something that God decided he doesn't want us to do. It is something that runs contrary to our creation and when we indulge in our sinful desires we are destroying ourselves from the inside out. The wages of sin is death because it undermines who we are.

Am I sad that I cannot go skiing this weekend? Yes. Will I lose any sleep over it? No. I will rest soundly in who I am and what I have been called to be.

Je Jung

I am leaving tomorrow for a short trip out to Philadelphia and DC and I leave behind a man that has been living with me for the past 4 months. I hadn't really sat down to talk with him one-on-one until tonight and we only spoke for a short while. He is an amazing man who God will use to do amazing things back home in Korea. I am glad he has been a part of my life these past few months and I look forward to whatever contact and cooperation we will have in the future. It's funny, I have not spoken with him much, yet I walk past his room, which I know will be empty when I return home, and I realize that I will miss him very much. He has been a part of threenails (my church) and he has been a part of my life. Even in the small things like the good mornings and the good nights we shared as we passed when I got up and when I went to bed. I will miss him. It is sad to see him go. I will miss my friend.

So, There Is This Girl

"How do I know if the amount of time I spend with her is too much?"

She is pretty amazing. I like her...a lot. We get along well, good conversation comes easily for us, and we have have very similar interests. This question comes because, obviously, I want to spend most of my free time with her, but I want to share it because I think that this question can address a host of issues by simply changing the object:

"How do I know if the amount of time I spend...is too much?"

My first instinct is to ask whether or not my time with her is coming at the expense of other commitments. I think this is a good starting place, but in making a commitment to live life with someone romantically I am commiting to more time with that person than before. If this extra time is more than I already have, then I need to reduce some of my time commitments somewhere. Does that make dating them bad? Does this mean I am spending too much time with her? I do not think that it does provided any commitments that must be adjusted are worked through with those who are affected.

My next thought is that it is a matter of priority. Is there a balance between my priorities and my time? However, I think that is a false question because in my world our priorities are defined by how we spend our time and a mental list of our priorities that is not supported by our actual lives is a worthless list.

What about balance? Am I balanced between how much time we spend together and...? What is on the other side of the scale? I hear a lot of talk about "balance" in a relationship--much of it from my mouth--but what exactly needs to be balanced? Off the top of my head I think: time, physical interaction, spiritual intensity, emotional intensity, and commitment. When I put it into words, the idea keeping things in balance sounds a bit unrealistic. How are any of those things quantified? If they can be quantified, how can they be compared?

In the end it looks like I have nothing, but the question lingers and I am sure there will be follow up to this. Please, anyone that would like to comment and further this I would love to hear your comment...especially married couples that have seen this process from inception to marriage completely. Show this to your friends, I want to know what you think.

This Struck Me

Ex. 28:36-38

Make a plate of pure gold and engrave on it as on a seal: HOLY TO THE LORD. Fasten a blue cord to it to attach it to the turban; it is to be on the front of the turban. It will be on Aaron’s forehead, and he will bear the guilt involved in the sacred gifts the Israelites consecrate, whatever their gifts may be. It will be on Aaron’s forehead continually so that they will be acceptable to the LORD. [NIV]


Jesus is called the "Great High Priest" in Hebrews. In Exodus, it appear that Aaron, the first high priest, is actually who takes the guilt of he that offered sacrifices. I have always been taught that the guilt of the person was transferred to the sacrificial animal and then it was slaughtered. However, when I go back to Leviticus, I do not see any mention of a transfer of guilt to the animal. Later in Leviticus, it mentions that when a man with guilt on his head comes with a sacrifice the priest will make atonement for the man (Lev 5: 17-19).

It does not mention Aaron being responsible for the guilt, but instead, he is told to wear a plate that declares him "HOLY TO THE LORD." The high priest takes on the guilt of the sinner and is declared holy before the Lord. This is exactly what Jesus does on the cross.

While I do not see anything unusual in this comparison, I feel there has to be some implications that I am not seeing immediately. If nothing else, it gives sets a precedent for the idea of Christ taking our sins upon himself. Maybe it is simply that I had never noticed this before, but it struck me as very interesting.

And to think I almost skipped over the temple specifications, "I have read thos all before, what else could I find in them." I am an ass.

Similar Sense of Humor

Well kids, it's time to see if we have a similar sense of humor. For me the two minutes to skim over this was worth it...but don't take my word for it.

I guess we all still have that someone

The Words of Reason

I will probably utilize this space for posting many of the quotes that I love. They are words that have touched me in some way. I hope they bless you.

Today's quote is an older one from Tammy Bruce's book The Death of Right and Wrong. Tammy Bruce is a woman who has spent her life defending and fighting for the rights of women and the gay community. I really respect much of what she says in the book. She has a chip on her shoulder and at times I had a hard time hearing what she had to say, but she points out and attacks a real and present danger in the word "tolerance." Tolerance is good, but there must be balance and everyone has to start wondering what is going on when those who scream tolerance the loudest turn out to be the least tolerant people around.

One of my favorite stories about her is when she was the president of NOW in Los Angeles and was organizing the Gay Pride March. A group of peope came in leather and chains under the banner of the S & M community. Tammy looked at them and told them to get out because gay pride was not about what she called, "sick fetishes."

She feels tolerance is good, but not at the expense of our values and what we believe.

It helps me to remember that I cannot group people together into nice compartments and boxes. Every person is different and must be treated as an individual. It is in relationship that we need to deal with issues in peoples' lives and it is in community that we need to discuss serious issues. Do I think there is something unhealthy about wanting to tie someone up and inflict pain for sexual pleasure or be tied up and be beaten for the same...yes, unequivocally. But that is not what the church should be attacking. I am not sure the church should be attacking anything and definately not anyone. I think the church needs to offer the truth of forgivness and the healing touch of the light of life to people who are broken. Whether that brokenness plays out in sadomasochism or codependency or depression is not much concern to me. The fact that there are broken and hurting people is. Let's all get on the ball and stop focusing our anger (which is not righteous I assure you) and energy on the bad fruit, but on the root that brings it forth. I want new believers who have been freed from their burdens and pain, not outraged people that will never be able to hear the truth due to our obnoxiousness.

Anyway...here is the quote that I started this mess:

Yes, we have the freedom to do as we please, but it only works because we don't do everything we might please--we should exercise some degree of personal, and corporate, responsibility. -Tammy Bruce-

Poetic...Beautiful

You might not like Luther or much of what he has to say. If so, I think you are probably missing out on much of the beauty of the Gospel, but either way, here is something profound and beautiful. To be read and enjoyed by all:

So he [Jesus] makes the sin of the believing soul his own through its wedding ring, which is faith, and acts as if he had done it [i.e. sin] himself, so that sin could be swallowed up in him. For his unconquerable righteousness is too strong for all sin, so that is made single and free from all its sins on account of its pledge, that is its faith, and can turn to the eternal righteousness of its bridegroom, Christ. Now is not this a happy business? Christ, the rich, noble, and holy bridegroom, takes in marriage this poor, contemptible and sinful little prostitute, takes away all her evil, and bestows all his goodness upon her! It is no longer possible for sin to overwhelm her, for she is now found in Christ and is swallowed up by him, so that she possesses a rich righeousness in her bridegroom.

Like I said, Poetic...beautiful.

A Response to "The Walking Wounded"

How does the church respond to a broken world in light of its own brokeness? I feel John's criticims of the church's tendency to "copout" when it hurts people are spot on. The church does need to be aware that it is made up of hurting, broken people, but that is not the focus. Brokeness is a reality that is discovered in light of the Law, which Christ so beautifully expounded in the Sermon on the Mount (Matt 5-7). This realization brings us to a place that is utterly hopeless - because we are not "sort of" broken, we are completely broken - and this drives us to the cross, but the truth is in the redemption that Christ's death and resurrection offer. Part of that redemption is forgiveness and that is what we must seek when we hurt others.

I think the tendency to blame things on our brokeness comes out of a sneaky pride issue. At least for me, there is a part that wants to remedy situations where I screw up. I want people to know that I am not that bad and that I am still a "good" guy and so I say that "I am broken" as if that is an excuse. No...that is a fact, but it is not an excuse. The only loving response I see to the church hurting anyone is to humbly seek forgiveness. When we hurt someone we need to seek reconcilliation. The motive and reason is for us, not for them. We certainly need to treat our hurtful actions seriously and attemt to discover from what they were born. We do this through prayer and sometimes even fasting (in my opinion), but it is ultimately for us.

I find that most people that are antagonistic to the church are so because they have been burnt by people in the church, representing the church. Someone or some group hurt them and instead of repentance they find excuses (read-not the Gospel) and leave talking of hypocrisy. In my opinion, such criticisms are not unfounded.

The Gospel (Rom 12:1-2)

Referencing Rom 12:1-2

John wrote:

Paul said, "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

spectacular. This is the gospel.

My Epiphany

Well, I have been in a social ethics class for four weeks now and for those weeks I have rejected at least some part of what my professor has been presenting. We are talking about a grace/faith ethic. The idea is that there is NOTHING that we bring to the table when it comes to us and God and us and each other. This has been hard for me.

Complete and total grace with no exception. There is nothing we do. God works up within us and flows out of us in our "fruit" not in our "works." Fruit is something that we cannot control becuase it grows naturally out of the root of our being. The root is us and we cannot produce anything but what that root naturally bears. What I do is not what defines me, but who I am is what defines me and my actions are indicitive of who I am.

This sounds great, but what about my transformation? What about sanctification? What about me being better and "working" to be better than I am? I really like the idea that I am in control of something. I want to be part of becoming better that I once was.

Last week a very powerful thing came out of this class. I was driving home and I realized that it was all true. Unequivocally true. Complete grace is the only thing that can free us and bring the life that God desires for us; the life that God sent his son for us to have. The church does not preach true grace very much if at all. We are enslaved by our guilt and our sin because we think that we can do something about it. This world is based on doing and action, which leads to constant assessment by ourselves and by others. We will always come up short and this is why we live in a depressed and overmedicated culture. It is the only realistic response to a false sense of grace (or no sense of it at all).

Instead, God says that it is only by his working in our hearts that we even come to call him God and only that by his working do we do anything truly outside of ourselves and our selfish ambitions (we can have the predestination discussion later). There is true and complete grace in Christ because we can do nothing and therefore God requires nothing. This brings complete freedom in Christ. There is an immediate lifting of the chains that we allow the enemy to use to hold us down in our guilt. We have no reason to bear them once we receive the truth of the cross.

The fear that prevents this truth from being preached from the pulpit is the fear of Christians running free; being terrible witnesses to Christ and feasting on what Bonhoeffer called "Cheap Grace." My professor requested one thing when this was brought up in class..."show me one person where this is the case." In other words, show me one person that has experienced the true grace of Christ (which isn't cheap at all by the way, its free) who is running around being anything but a free and loving example of God's truth and forgiveness. For he who is forgiven much loves much.

The true Antinomian doesn't exist. Someone that experiences the freedom and forgiveness of God does not go off and do whatever he wants. He (or she) is so floored by God forgiving them when they deserve eternal punishment and damnation that they can do nothing save run throughout the town telling everyone, "there is a man who has told me everything I have ever done!" It is an empty fear made up by the enemy to keep us in bondage. And many of our pastors are perpetuating this from the pulpit when they preach that God requires something from us.

Please understand that I was not convinced by my professor and I understand that I am not going to convince you. This is my experience, and now, a large part of what I believe to be true. I hope that you will struggle with it. I hope that you will ask lots of questions as I did (and as I am still doing). But, it will take the hand of God to convince you as it did me. However look for it, because once it happens, true freedom will flow and a true desire to share that completely with others will proceed naturally.

A Response to "Tensions"

"Tensions" (John O'Keefe)

Kingdom in tension with Conversions:

Most of me wants to agree that there is a complete distinction between kingdom growth and conversion (church growth), but there is no way in my mind to do it. I think that treating people or even seeing people as an ends (numbers) is a travesty, but placing importance on conversion is a different thing. The Gospel is about life and life to the full. I think kingdom growth is more people coming to know what that true life is, where it comes from, and seeking the grace that gives them the faith to live that full life. The kingdom is not about numbers, but converts do make up the body that is the church. While growing in our faith (discipleship) is as important to the kingdom as new believers are, I know that God is more concerned with those who are not yet following Him (Luke 15:7).


Community in tension with Corporation:

This tension I do not see as a tension. In my opinion, there is little benefit to the business model of church other than price point. I struggled with this a lot because I saw so many great and godly organizations (and people) that were struggling financially. So many that if they just had the money and could run more efficiently they could do so much good. I also asked why so many things "Christian" had to be so poorly run and sloppy and unprofessional (unbusinesslike)?

What I have come to realize is that the church is not a business no matter how you look at it. No matter how careful you are, the more efficient things run the more people are left behind. The church has to move as slow as its slowest part because we are in it together. We must help each other and increase in speed and focus and direction together under the covering of our Lord, following in his footsteps. Buth the moment we start leaving people behind becuase it makes "good business sense" is the moment we have lost track of our true identity...community. God is in charge of our money, our converts, our disciples. Nothing we can do will change that and nothing we can do should change that.


Rhythm in tension with Schedule:

This is perhaps the hardest one for me. I live in the States, but my life is lived with an "event" mentality meaning that I move on to the next thing when the first thing is done, not when the clock strikes. I do have a palm and I have a schedule, but I am rarely on time and I am rarely on schedule. My palm acts more as a reminder and a priority list and my life acts accordingly. I am more concerned with people than with timing. You can call it rhythm, but I call it life. The problem is that most people here are offended by others being late and I must admit sometimes I am too. This is the tension I live within.

I want to draw the distinction between being late because of my relationships and being late becasue I am irresponsible. These are two very different situations and one is obviously not a point of discussion here. However, the other is very important. Do I value Dan or Dan's time less because I am in the midst of an important conversation with Emily? No, but how do I hold that in tension. How does he know that? Is it more important to finish my time with Em?

This is why community (as I mentioned above) is so important. When we are in community and in the church we are (hopefully) willing to give the benefit of the doubt. We understand that there is no disrespect. There are only messy lives that are being led to the best of our ability and we are joyful as we join into that with one another. Does this community always work the way it is intended? No, but it must be forgiving and full of grace because if it is not, then it is not the church.

Schedule is important. It is how I know that my meetings are going to happen and thus that our worship gatherings will be planned. It is how I know that I am even meeting with Dan or with Emily, but all must be understood in the context of broken and fallen people that are daily offering up the simple prayer, "God have mercy on me, a sinner."

What I Understand the Church to be

Whenever I speak of the church, I am speaking of the church as it pertains to the body of believers. Those who believe in the triune God of the Bible. The God who sent His son to show us what it meant to live and the God who allowed that same son to be killed that we might be offered the chance to live as we were created to live.

One of the most recent posts by O'Keefe is a response (or should I say rebuttal) of Tim Stafford's article in Christianity Today "The Church—Why Bother?" Both touch on the idea that the church is the entire body of believers, but both come back to debate the requirement of Christian's presence in a physical church building. Tim is right in his statements about the need for community and fellowship and to be a part of a body, but I find it more accurate to express a need to be a part of "the" body.

In his response O'Keefe says, "the idea that salvation is tied to the church is both nonbibical and controlling." While I agree that salvation does completely rest on the work of the cross and our joining with God through the life and death of Jesus, I do not want to downplay the importance of the church. The church (and I am not speaking of "a" church, but "the" church) is part of salvation and I do not think that is nonbiblical or controlling. While Christ died on the cross to complete His work here on earth and to "allow" us to live life to the full, he spent three years before that setting up the church and teaching/showing us what it "meant" to live life to the full. The church is the working of that which Christ set in motion because His death was not about us getting to heaven, it was about us living the life we were created to live in communion with God. So, no, I do not think that tying the church to salvation is nonbiblical nor is it controlling...tying it to a church is.

Of course, we can never figure out church as God intended it fully while we are here in this age. The best we can do is to constantly strive for the better and seek His leading wherever he goes. If that is to a life of contemplation in the desert or the rather unfortunate life of a mega-church pastor, so be it. While I have my theological problems with both, I must allow for God to move differently in each person's life as long as they submit to the larger body of Christ. Holding that tension is the challenge for me in any situation. The tension between the freedom of "All things may be permissible" and "but not all beneficial." I will leave it for my God to judge and turn to my commission of tending to the other sheep (and goats as they may be) around me.

Response to the comments in my post, "True Heart Follow Up"

To the first question about my understanding of sin and other religions, I want to be sure I understand the heart of the question. When I think about the search for God, I think about how "spiritual" people of this culture are and how desparately they search for God. In no way do I mean to communicate that that is good enough. I fully believe that it is in Jesus, the Christ, that we find life and that those who reject Him reject God. That is not a blurry issue for me. The sincerity of search is important becuase I believe that God will reveal Himself to those who seek after Him and I know that I have more to say to someone searching than to someone that is closed off. That conversation can go on forever, but I think the question was if I figured the cross into my theology of salvation and the answer is an emphatic "yes!" If I missed the point please correct me.

Everything you said in your first comment (somethingtrendy) I think is right on. I think a clarification of what I mean when I say the Doctrine of God's suffering will shed some light. I do think that understanding that God suffers with us/for us is important. What I get a little frustrated over is when we get really nitpicky and worry about how and what part of Christ/God can and has suffered. My concern and what I would like to communicate is that the Lord weeps with me and that His heart breaks for mankind. What I am not really concerned about is whether part of Him suffers or not, or whether any part of the Spirit can suffer, or if His suffering is strictly limited to knowing that we suffering and responding to that suffering. Basically, I get frustrated when people insinuate that if God's heart breaks for us that He is less powerful and somehow less God.

Now to the meat in the 2nd and 3rd posts. I would agree with what was said in fatwrath's comment. At the same time I do not think that that challenges the work of the cross in any way. I would disagree that there can be no higher purpose in tragic situations like the one described, but I agree that it is not God's plan (and I would like to encourage a little more grace and gentler responses to peoples comments, I do not want to discourage anyone from posting for fear of a condemning response). Specifically, I have multiple friends that have had miscarriages and working through them has been tremendously difficult for all of them. I was drawn to the reaction one of these women had to the situation while struggling through it. It was simple, God intended us to live happily, joyfully, peacefully with Him in the garden. It was not God's plan for us to screw it up. While I believe He knew we would and understood the ramifications it would have, I do not think it was His desire. I do not think it is His desire for any pain or suffering to come to us. I think it is all a result of the fall and part of our plan, not His. Pain and suffering is a part of our rebellion that we bring on ourselves and we deserve MUCH worse than we get. I think God does mourn with us when He allows tragic things to happen in our lives. They may be part of the plan that He is working now, redeeming the garbage we give Him to work with, but I do not think it is ever HIS plan. We have done things that have forced His hand and He is working for the greatest, truest good. That is God's plan for us in my opinion. I do not believe He ever desired for His Son to have to die, but He loves us and that was the result due to our depravity and His glorious, merciful response.

Does the scandal of the cross legitimize suffering? I don't know. I don't think the cross makes tragedy make sense. I think it makes sense of how little suffering we face compared to what we deserve.

True Heart Follow Up

I am sitting in ST100-systematic theology and we are talking about whether or not God can suffer. For me, this gets at the heart of my earlier questions because while I hear what the great theologians have said and I have a response of my own, I have a hard time seeing how this matters in the grand scheme of things. I see why people want to understand and I see how people could be comforted by the knowledge that God suffers with and for them. However, I think about all the people that walk into the coffee shops where I hang out. I think about how lost many of them are and I think about the conversations I have had with them (when I say lost I mean lost in the sense of the lost sheep or the lost coin; I mean it in the powerfully compassionate way that God means it). The doctrine of God's suffering does not seem like it is going to communicate Christ's sacrifice and God's love to them. It might play a part, but only the warm loving hand of the Father can really communicate that. It is only the bright light of God that will welcome them into the Kingdom and hopefully our faces will reflect a little of that light when people see us and when people speak with us.

So, as I continue to pursue an MDIV degree I will continue to wrestle with whether it is a noble pursuit or simply "puffing myself up." I pray that I will be faithful and that I will follow God's lead in everything I do. I believe this is where I need to be at this point and that is enough confidence for now.

...Wow, what a culture clash. I spoke to my professor about these thoughts. About why this is important in light of the fact that the Gospel is something the simplest person can receive. His response was very valid, but I have had a hard time digesting it. He used an example of a pastor speaking a sermon at a funeral for a young child. How does someone communicate the truth and light of the Gospel in such a situation without addressing if and how God suffers? I don't have any children and I do not presume to be able to understand that level of suffering, but I know when I suffer I am not that concerned with whether God suffers or has suffered or is suffering as much as I am concerned with His compassion and His love. As that pastor I am concerned with how I can communicate that same compassion and that same love. Now I understand that there is a direct connection between suffering and compassion, but whether or not I understand how God suffers does not affect the fact that he does have compassion for any painful situation and it is a compassion that I can receive without the "proper" knowledge of his suffering.

What is God's true heart for us?

I had quite a good conversation tonight with a couple friends spanning much of our thoughts on theology and an interesting thought came out of it. What is God's true heart for us? We have spent 2000 years trying to understand God better and understanding truth better. Many of the doctrines we have today are not directly from the scriptures as far as I can tell. Words like trinity and substitutional atonement are not specifically found in the scriptures. They are terms that we use in order to describe what we feel are the truths of scripture. They embody ideas that we can never comprehend fully. While these things are good and we need to always be seeking to know the truth of God more, how focused do we need to be on doctrine? We will have the answers we seek someday.

I do the math and think about spending 70 years seeking truth and then about spending eternity knowing it after those 70 years are up. Should we be content to wait? Is God more interested in being with us than our understanding of doctrine? Is digesting the latest systematic theology going to allow me to follow God more fully? Is it going to help me live my life? The dumbest person in the world is capable of receiving the redemption of our Lord, but not of understanding McGrath's Christian Theology Reader. What compels us to dig deeper once we have chosen to receive Christ's sacrifice? Are we choosing the better portion, or are we working furiously in futile pursuits?

I am certainly not judging anyone's study of theology. I am currently in seminary for the explicit reason of feverishly striving to understand my God better. I am sure He is more interested in my heart than my head, yet I feel foolish not striving to understand as much as I can.

"Whoever does not treceive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” I am quite sure that there are few children concerned with the depths of the trinity.

I am reminded of an analogy that I heard a long time ago. Seeking the truth of God is like standing in a dark room and slowly opening a door to a room lit with the Truth of God. We crack the door open a little and the light of truth shines into our lives. All parts of that light are fully truth. All of the light that shines through is the same light. Opening the door more reveals more light, but it is no more true than the little light that sines in the beginning. When we die we will have that door swung fully open no matter how far God has opened it during the course of our lives. Does that make the quest to open that door further pointless? Or is that precisely the purpose of our lives? The idiot that comprehends little yet enough will know as much as us on that day, but that does not invalidate our pursuits. I think we strive on toward the truth because it is the only thing that makes sense.

We pursue God in order to live life to the full. Sin is sin because it runs contrary to the way God created us to live. It undermines our creation and destroys us. The fruit did not kill adam and eve directly, but choosing to live outside of the way God created them to be did. The better we understand who God is and what He has created us to be, the more we can truly live. I think that is God's desire for us...to live and to live well.

I may have contradicted myself throughout this conversation with myself, but that does not concern me. I hope that as this conversation continues more light will shine. And I hope others will join the conversation, that we can all progress together. The door can always be opened further and I trust the Lord will let me know if He wants me to "dig" less and "be" more.

We shake the foundations...were there any in the first place?

Much of this venture is a result of processing and commenting on conversations that I am having in one of my classes this semester.

Yesterday was an introduction to the postmodernity discussion. A discussion of what the emerging church is going to be, how it is going to be affected by the tumultuous environment that the West presents today. There was an interesting comment that came up in our discussion.

Many Christians seem to be afraid that the church is shaking up and falling apart. That there are changes and conflicts throughout the body, but we must remember that our God is unshakable. The only thing that our changing culture can shake loose is something that God desires to shake loose. What I wonder is how many of the unhealthy things that modernity has attached to the church will be shaken off only to be replaced by unhealthy aspects of postmodernity. Foundations give way to webs, sure things to questions. Were there any foundations or sure things in the first place? Is there any more truth to be found in webs and questions?

Source of Information

A lot of my posts over the next few months will be in response to different posts by John O'Keefe in his blog "Ginkworld, inside the mind of punk monkey" at www.ginkworld.blogspot.com. So, when I refer to O'Keefe, that is where you can see the full text.

Here ye! Here ye! (An Introduction)

I have kept a journal now for a few years and it took me long enought to build up to that. I have this problem...most employers call it "attention to detail," but I call it being totally anal. Since I was young I tried to keep journals because who doesn't want to have some account of their lives to look back upon when they are older (I know there are plenty of people, but I will be requiring much poetic liscence over the course of my time here)? My "problem" did not affect my journaling until I missed a few days here and then a few days there. What was I to do? I had to catch up or else days of my adolescent life, in all their gradeur and excitement, would be lost...forever! (Note the superfluous exclamation point, believe it or not this is a man writing, just kidding ladies). Once those missed days amounted to more than I could recount, as they inevitably did, I would freak out and quit journaling for a while.

By my 20's I was able to allow myself some grace and continued plugging away at my journal despite long breaks of 6 months at time in some cases and now I am the well adjusted journaler that you have before you. The question is, "Can this translate to a blog?" We will see.