So Much Easier for Everyone Else

Some of the things I write may come off as cynical or harsh.  For example, in a previous post I mentioned how I am someone who cheats on his wife and works so much that he pushes his kids away and I don't even have a wife or kids.  

I don't write these things to be facetious or to overstate my point, but to illustrate how deep our sin, my sin, actually goes.  The actual manifestation is not what is important, it is the severity of our state that I hope to communicate.

I will try to explain...

I look around at the people around me and I only see a fraction of their life and know even less of the thoughts that go through their heads and hearts, yet I make judgements and come to conclusions about those people.  Their marriages and relationships are so together and wonderful, their jobs are what I really want to be doing, their lives the ones I really want to live. Everything is so much easier for everyone else, but that is only because I am privy to all of my history and all my thoughts, so I know how hard this life really is.

I don't realize that there are others looking at my life and saying the same things..."man, I wish I was single and free like him," "his job is such a cake walk," "that is the life I want to be living." I am very talented at covering over the things I don't want others to see.  I am a master of misdirection and deception.  I don't even have to try, it just comes naturally.  So we look at one another and think, "I wish I was more like them," because on the surface things are always pleasant and happy and easy.  How else can we idolize and try to immitate the experience of countless celebrities who are in rehab, in their fourth marriage, and have kids with names like Apple?  The further from actual contact with real people we are, the easier it is.  It is the story of my life, of our lives.

The problem is that we live our lives deep down inside where no one really ever gets down to see.  If they did, they wouldn't stick around very long, would they? That is where we live, that is where the troubles of a difficult life really lie and we want to escape, we want to be free and we are trapped.  

I am, by nature, an object of wrath.  I can cover most of it up, but it is there.  The deep dark cravings of a sinner...but because of his great love for us, for me, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions - it is by grace that we are saved. (Eph 2:4-5) Amen!

On a Recent Jaunt Through "Our Town"

I thought I would share a quote from Thornton Wilder's play "Our Town." 

This is a scene from Act II. George is about to get married to Mr. Webb's daughter Emily and they are talking about marriage.

Mr. Webb:

George, I was thinking the other night about some advice my father gave me when I got married. Charles, he said, Charles, start out early showing who's boss, he said. Best thing to do is to give an order, even if it don't make sense; just so she'll learn to obey. And he said: if anything about your wife irritates you-her conversation, or anything-just get up and leave the house. That'll make it clear to her, he said. And, oh, yes! He said never, never let you wife know how much money you have, never.

George:

Well, Mr. Webb...I don't think I could...

Mr. Webb:

So I took the opposite of my father's advice and I've been happy ever since.

Ordination Charge

Below is the charge given at the end of the sermon at my ordination. The sermon was given by The Right Rev. David C. Jones, Bishop Suffragan of the Diocese of Virginia. I am proud to be ordained and to serve in The Episcopal Church.


Kris, will you please stand.

You are called to exercise the office of priest in the Church of God.

As you go about this ministry, keep your heart and your mind on Jesus. Pray for his strength and power. Know that it is Jesus who will empower your ministry.

Let the Bible will be your guide and your inspiration and the source of your strength. Read your Bible. Mark your Bible. Love your Bible and the Lord of the Church.

Remember that your ministry will extend far beyond your congregation. You are part of the ministry of bringing Christ to all nations and peoples – that the name of Jesus may be known above all other names.

Prepare every day for ministry and the Lord will go before you and follow you. And at the end of the day when you go home, go home and entrust your ministry to the One who gave his life for our salvation.

So, as you move from altar to sick bed, from funeral home to wedding reception, from a baptism to sermon writing, and from a vestry meeting to a grieving person, know that you are about the ministry of the Lord, Jesus himself. In Him, you will find ultimate satisfaction and joy.

A Sense of Life

One of my fellow priests came into my office just now. He is a retired priest with over 50 years in the Priesthood. He recently decided to scale back his responsibilities at the church and is looking to thin out his library. This is someone who has collected and read more books than I can even imagine and he feels it is time to pass a lot of them along and wants me to take a look at what I would like for my young collection.

It was a short friendly call about some old books, but it struck me. I have been a priest for a grand total of 4 days now and I am just getting started. Here is a man who has been a part of the ministry for more years than I can wrap my head around and his visit made think about what things must look like on the other side of things, where our lives are coming to a close and we can look back over decades of life lived, both good and bad.

I find myself feeling like I have lived a lot of life, but only have 10 or 15 years to really draw upon, but mostly I am looking ahead to what will happen in the future. Where will I be serving in 10 years, 20 years. Will it be in Pittsburgh? Will I be married and have kids? I want to have a family, but I don't even know if that is going to happen. It feels like all of life is still in front of me.

I think this and then I remind myself that I am in my life right now. It is all too easy to forget that very simple fact and instead fall into the trap of living in the future or in the past. It is a danger we all face at every stage in life...the temptation of "something else." If I can just... If I could have only... Why did I do it that way? Next time I will do it differently.

These questions will always plague us, but in the midst of it all my hope is to be able to celebrate the good, mourn the bad, and simply live life as it comes knowing at tall times that I am loved by a graceful and merciful God.

As Is

I was sitting with a friend, excited to share what I feel to be one of my favorite songs by Ani DiFranco. I don't like it because the music is so great (it's catchy, but nothing unusual), but because in this simple song about accepting someone "as is" I find the encouraging words of God to us. This is not the intention of the song, but the reality of what it holds. A portion of the lyrics are copied below...

You can't hide behind social graces
So don't try to be all touchy feely
Cuz you've lie in my face of all places
But I got no problem with that really

What bugs me is that you believe what you're saying
What bothers me is that you don't know how you feel
What scares me is that while you're telling me stories
You actually believe that they are real

And I got no illusions about you
Guess what I never did
And when I said
When I said I'll take it
I meant
I meant as is

Just give up
And admit you're an asshole
You would be in some good company
And I think you'd find that your friends would forgive you
Or maybe I am just speaking for me

Chick Flicks

I recently watched "P.S. I Love You" and loved it. I cannot say it was a particularly good movie, but I really enjoyed it because I enjoy all movies that romanticize love. I think it is because I know how bad at loving I really am and for two hours at a time I want to believe that I am different. That I am like the guy on the screen who loves the leading lady the way I want to love.

I want my dysfunction to be cute and funny like it is in the movies. I want all my fights to be only silly misunderstandings that we can all look back on and laugh. But they're not. My dysfunction comes from years of insecurity and sarcasm, from broken relationships and loss. My fights are because I can be a very mean person when I am hurt, because I want to win and be right so bad it is all I can focus on sometimes.

I am the one who leaves the dishes in the sink, and cheats on his wife, and works so much that his kids don't even want to see him anymore. That is who I am and so I enjoy disappearing into the cute and tragic world of Holly Kennedy and her late husband who helps her grieve his death...because one day I want someone to love me so much that their whole world is destroyed when I am gone.

It is this very same desire that draws me to the Lord, that makes me wake up everday and rejoice that I am a priest. Because I know that there is a God who loves me so much that he could not stand living without me. Even though I rejected all his advances and insisted that I was better off on my own, as my own god, he sent his Son to die for me that I might live.

Moving On...

This week I handed in my resignation from a church called Three Nails. Three Nails has been around for five years. I was there when the idea of it first popped into existence and I will be there next week as its faithful members decide to close the doors.

It is times like these that a mixture of emotions swell up: failure, relief, frustration, but most of all, grief. The passing on of anything is hard, it is sad, and we usually want more than anything to try and reverse the process. I think this is why deciding to close a church is so difficult, there is always something to hold on to and always something worth fighting for, but when do you stop and accept that it is over.

This is where we have come. Some will say that we should not do this or allow this and a big part of me will agree. I think there have been, and still are, some great things about Three Nails that you don't find too many other places, but it is time.

To Mom and Dad...I Love You

It is a typical Saturday night for me, winding down before I turn in early for a 6 a.m. start to my Sunday. I have recently finished my preparations for tomorrow and my mind can freely wander without quickly returning to what I am going to say in the morning.

This evening my thoughts turn to my family, my mom and dad in particular. I am finishing a glass of apple cider that isn't very good, but I appreciate all the same because mom and dad gave it to me. It was probably something left over from a church function that they didn't want and so sent home with me, but that doesn't matter. It is just one tiny example of the care they have taken in raising me as their child and tonight I find myself nearly in tears thinking about how thankful I am for them and how dearly I love them.

At one point this evening I thought about some of my friends who have lost one or both of their parents and my stomach ties in knots just thinking about being without them. I am a pretty stable person, with a good job, and a small army of loving friends, but I fear that even still I would barely hang on right now without them. Of course, like anyone else, I am sure I will get along without them when the time comes, but my world will be a little bleaker on that day.

I spent a lot of my life giving little credit to them and all the credit to God. It is not that God does not deserve the credit for my health, stability, and capability, but I would not have any of it without his gift of an incredible family. I have had all the opportunity in the world because of them and I will never come up with words to thank them strongly enough.

I cannot even imagine what life without them will be like. When I don't have the house I grew up in to go home to whenever I like. A place where I know I need worry about nothing. Home is an important concept for people and I know it better than most because I have a place where I will always be welcome, where I can always turn, where I will always belong.

This may be sappy and seem like something that does not belong on a blog for the world to see, but the thing is it isn't for the world, it's for them and this is the best way to send my love and my thanks...thank you mom and dad, I love you.

Why was I in such a hurry to grow up?

I am sitting here at my computer, on my day off, trying to get about a thousand things done for work, life, finances, etc. and I am remembering how excellent I had it when I was still living at home at the ripe age of 17. I had a car that I could use anytime, money from a job I didn't need and only had because I wanted to work. There were no bills (at least not for me), the car would mysteriously become filled with gas, dinner would be there every night if I wanted it, I saw my friends everyday, and never had more than a few pages to read or write for homework. All this for the low, low price of getting up at 6:30 every morning (something I am glad to say I only have to do on Sundays now) and occasionally being told I couldn't do something (and as I look back, it was rare that those occasions were unreasonable restrictions)...and I hated it.

I couldn't wait to get out of there, to be out on my own and living life by my own terms and here I am. I have a job that pays the bills and then some, a place of my own, a car (that I now fill with gas), and I am thinking that life wasn't so bad. It is not that life isn't better in its own way now than it was then. I can actually say I love my parents and my sister and want to see them all the time now that I have had some distance. I am able to live independently and I am able to make my own decisions. It is wonderful, the only shame is that it took until now to start realizing how good I had it growing up.

I am sure you are not like me, but I take so much for granted in my life. It is a shame it takes so much distance to appreciate what I have and what I had.

Advent: The Coming of the Lord

People in the early church expected Jesus to come back during their lifetime. They believed that the pain of this world was coming to an end at any minute. Day after day they waited, they worshipped together and went to bed every night expecting it to be the last time. A couple decades passed and Jesus had not returned, so they started writing down the teachings and stories about him that other generations could carry on the truth of the gospel. Those decades turned into centuries and the church started creating liturgies, prayers, and seasons to help teach the masses of people who were becoming Christians. Those centuries turned into two millennia and now we have an Advent season that reminds us that the Christ child came to us in a manger in Bethlehem, but that is not the primary story Advent is meant to recall.

Advent is a season for us to remember that Jesus is coming again in glory to judge the living and the dead. That the suffering and tragedy of this life will end in peace and joy and fulfillment. It is to remind us of the expectation of the early church, the kind of expectation that causes the whole of Creation to groan and yearn for the Son of God to be revealed (Rom 8:19), the kind of expectation that is not dulled by 2000 years of waiting because we hold onto it as our greatest and last hope for salvation.

A Sense of Magic

For the past few weeks I have been presenting the gospel through The Chronicles of Narnia. Some of you may be very familiar with them. You may have read them growing up or even read them to your own children. They are wonderful stories. We love them as children because they are set in the fantastic realm of Narnia where normal everyday children become Kings and Queens and rule by love. It is a world not without evil, but a world where good triumphs in the end. It is not a world where everyone lives “happily ever after,” but it is a place where true joy can be found.

I think one of the reasons children are so drawn to such stories is that they connect with the sense of magic and wonder hidden within their pages. Sadly, when we grow up most of us forget about the magic of our world. We go to college and get jobs and raise families and quickly encourage our children to grow up.

There is a reason Peter Pan never wanted to grow up.

In our world, growing up means leaving behind the magic and wonder of childhood, but I don’t know if that is for the best. One of the passages that I am constantly trying to wrap my mind around is Mark 10:15 where Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God as a little child will never enter it.” There are many aspects of children that Jesus is evoking here to illuminate how to receive the message of the Kingdom, but one in particular that we often overlook is that children still believe in magic. In part, this passage means to call us back to a time when we would check the wardrobe in our grandmother’s house to see if a different world lay beyond its walls.

Whenever I read The Chronicles or see Aslan on the big screen, tears come to my eyes. Part of it is nostalgia for another age, another world, but mostly it is the reminder that magic is real. Not the fireball and lightning kind of magic, but the power of a loving God kind of magic.

I would like to posit that our world is one just like Narnia, that our world is one with magic and a sense of the fantastic. That our world is where good triumphs over evil and where true joy can be found, where we are called to be Kings and Queens and to rule with love. We must only look to the truth in our situation (that we are loved unconditionally) and refuse to believe the lie (that we are worthless) and a world of infinite possibility emerges and welcomes us in for the feast.

The Difficulty of Inclusion

I am a Christian with beliefs ranging from moderate to conservative, but I am also under 30, so the postmodern heritage I have grown into also frees me up to be less exclusive than many other conservatives I have encountered.

That said, the issues raised by full inclusion of all faiths and lifestyles into the church are more difficult for me than for some others. While I try to make room for all beliefs, sexual orientations, etc in my life and worship, I find that there is an underlying truth to the whole picture founded in the person of Jesus and that just any old belief simply won't cut it. Call me old fashioned, but I believe in the uniqueness of Jesus and his work in the world. I am very attracted to ideas of inclusion, I wonder if Jesus' death was sufficient for all regardless of whether we have heard the name of Jesus or said the sinner's prayer, but I can't help but feel it dishonest to claim inclusivity while holding to a firm belief that Jesus is the only way.

There seems to be different views of what it really means to be inclusive. I take it to mean the Kingdom of God and the invisible church, may be a little bigger than conservatives appreciate. This seems to be different from the inclusion of ideas that seems to take precedence in the church. I think that there is much to learn from other faiths, people, ideas, and struggles, but only as far as it leads us deeper in the knowledge of God. So often it seems like there is an agenda to the message of inclusion and I fear that it will lead us astray from what we started out seeking in the first place.

Can the church include all sides while encouraging actual conversation between differing parties? I understand that Pat Robertson will not be sitting down to tea with Bishop Spong anytime soon, but can we learn from both sides, or is our "inclusion" just a cover for our own political leanings?

One Body, Many Parts

I was talking with a parishoner today and a thought came to mind of a trend I have begun to notice in the church. The tendency that we have as people, and especially as Christians, to desire similarity. The church is a diverse place and it needs to be so or we will not have the flexibility and grace to worship and live with those who are different than we are.

I have spoken a number of times with people in the church who are exasperated by how few others are doing the things that they value, "I volunteer down at the soup kitchen and no one else wants to come down with me from the church," or "I was the only person who noticed so-and-so, a newcomer this Sunday, and welcomed them." These are common statements. I completely understand their sentiment. My heart often feels the same way, "If only they would..."

I wonder if what we are really saying is, "Why can't they be more like me and value the same things as I value?" The problem with this thinking may be obvious, but as Christians, we tend to couch it in Christian terms and think, "Christians should want to help the poor at the soup kitchen, where are they?" and "Why isn't everyone welcoming the newcomers?" They certainly seem like fair statements. Jesus said we should care for the poor and so we should do things like serve at a soup kitchen. We as a church want to be welcoming so we should make a point to notice new people, right?

What we often fail to realize is that more often than not, the soup kitchen is located in a church and staffed by Christians. Our view of the church and of Christians can be very myopic and we forget that the church is much bigger than we can often see. Should we invite others to serve with us in what we do? Of course, but let us remember that there is one body that is the church and it has many parts. If we are a "hand" it is easy to forget that an "eye" would not serve the church better by trying to be a "hand" like us.

Jesus has set us free of the punishment we deserve on account of the law. He has suffered for us and we have died with him in and been raised to new life in our baptism. We serve as the Spirit moves in us to serve. That is always going to be different than how another is moved...that is okay. It has to be okay or soon enough we will start to expect everyone to be a "hand" or an "eye." This is what Paul is protesting when he says:

"The eye cannot say to the hand, 'I have no need of you,' nor again the head to the feet, 'I have no need of you.' On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indespensable, and on those parts of the body we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require." (1Cor 12:21-24)

Jesus said a lot of things about how we ought to live, but over all of his command we must remember his description of the Kingdom, "So the last shall be first and the first last." (Matt 20:16). The things of God are confusing and most often the opposite from the way we think they "ought" to be. We quickly overlook ourselves when asking why those in the church are not doing something we think they should. We ask why no one is doing it forgetting that we are (I assume). And if we are doing it, then maybe we can relax a little and take comfort in the fact that God has not forgotten the least of these in our church and that he, through us, is caring for his people and the world he loves and has created.

Compromise?

I have heard quite a few sermons and talks making the point that we cannot compromise as Christians. In particular, that we cannot compromise our beliefs. That no matter what we come up against our beliefs are the root of our faith and that we must hold to them even when it is extremely difficult to do so.

I have been thinking about this a little and I am coming to the conclusion that such thinking is ridiculous. First of all, the root of our faith is not our belief, but Jesus, the Savior of the world who came as man and God to die for our sins and be raised again. Period.

Second, how can we as Christians live together without compromise? I am not just talking about our basic disagreements in life, I am talking specifically about our beliefs and theology. To be uncompromising in our beliefs is to assume that we have everything right. This would mean that we all agree on the same interpretation of scripture and are absolutely 100% correct. That we have truth nailed down.

I can tell you right now, those people are out of their minds if they think that. Look at Acts 15 and the Jerusalem Council. The church has existed for very little time and already two of their major leaders are arguing over their beliefs. Paul and Peter do not agree theologically on how to deal with the Gentiles. Both think they are right and the incredible story ends with a compromise. Something that both can agree on because it is rooted in the primary truth of Christ, which allows the other issues to fade into the background.

I would like to propose that compromise is exactly what the church needs more of today. Because I have found that when we compromise, we are finding the true root of our faith and finding a way to work the other stuff, the non-essentials, around the central truth of Christ crucified and raised again. We do not need teachings about not compromising because if we have responded to the love and power and grace of God in Christ, the no one needs to tell us not to compromise because we are ready to go to hell and back over that truth. It is how we translate that truth into the everyday life of the church that desperately needs compromise, not the truth itself.

We are facing terrible tragedies in the Episcopal tradition these days and they are happening, in part, because of this idea that we cannot ever compromise our beliefs. It is a shame because it means we have missed the point.

Forgiveness in Matthew 18

As a child I remember having a clear sense of justice. When that instinct was violated I became very upset. I cannot remember any teachings about reconciliation (a very popular term these days), but I do remember how it was supposed to work. If someone offended, they should come to their senses and apologize. The victim of offense would then forgive them.

When I was in High School, our youth group had a different method. We called it keeping "short accounts." In this model the person offended would go to the offender and let them know they hurt us and they in turn were supposed to apologize. This would keep offenses from piling up and clear the air before accounts could grow too large. It may sound familiar because this is essentially what is described in last week's Gospel passage (Matt 18:15-20).

While I remember being very good about going to my fellow disciples and expecting them to apologize for hurting me, it was much harder for me to forgive when they came to me. People would come up to me and expect me to apologize for the silliest things. I was happy to apologize when I actually did something mean or hurtful, but just because someone came up and said I hurt them didn't mean I had done anything wrong, right? They were just being "too sensitive."

Wow, is that a phrase I have come to hate more than just about any other..."you're being too sensitive." I am convinced this is a sinner's crutch; I am convinced this is my crutch. I use it to justify my desire to be righteous and to be clear of offense. Someone says I have offended and I can brush them aside because they are simply being "too sensitive."

"Too sensitive" is a phrase we use because we are steeped in unforgiveness. We are entirely ready to take the high ground and forgive others. But when we are told we have sinned, that we must cede the high ground and no one likes that. "I had no intention of hurting you," we might say. We think to ourselves that we would not have gotten upset by what we had done. We are content to know that we have "done unto others as we would have them do unto us." (Matt 7:12) The problem is we forget that two chapters earlier Jesus also said, "Be perfect, as your father in heaven is perfect." (Matt 5:48)

"Peter came and said to Jesus, 'Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?' Jesus said to him, 'Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times.'" (Matt 18:21-22)

Forgiveness is hard, and the forgiveness that God demands is impossible. Jesus goes on from this passage to tell a story of a man who was forgiven much and yet refused to forgive one who owed him little. This unforgiving man was tortured until he paid back all that he owed. An amount so staggering that it would have been impossible for him to comply.

The point of the parable is simple. We should forgive others and not hold grudges, end of story right? Thankfully, the story does not end there because that conclusion leaves us hopeless. This "moral of the story" is impossible to attain. If we walk away from this parable with the message that because God forgives us we must then forgive others, we are lost.

We are humans and thus sinners who are unable to forgive as we have been forgiven. And in our unforgiveness we incur the wrath of a righteous God, to be tortured until we have repaid all we owe.

If the Law and its requirements were all we were left with, that would be the end of the story and we would pass through life hopeless. But thankfully, with Law comes Gospel. Because God is a forgiving and loving God, he sent his son that in our death we may have life.

From the cross Jesus says, "Father, forgive them, for the know not what they do," and that is exactly what he does. Our sins...forgiven. Your sins...forgiven. My sins...forgiven. Period.

He does not even wait for us to ask. Before we go looking to settle our accounts, short or long...forgiven. Before our mouths can even form the words,"I'm sorry"...forgiven. In our wretchedness...forgiven. In our death...forgiven.

It's Time

I have not posted in over a year and before that my time here was spotty at best. I started this blog four years ago to process the incredible things I was learning at seminary.

Now, having graduated from seminary, been ordained, and taken a call to a wonderful church in Pittsburgh and I feel the urge to begin writing again.

Kris+