Reminiscing on Cowardice

On the way to work today I heard an old favorite on the radio called "The Impression that I Get," by The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones. I was struck by some lyrics that I have sung unwittingly many times before:

I'm not a coward

I've just never been tested

I'd like to think that if I was I would pass

I look at the tested and think there but the grace go I

I might be a coward

I'm afraid what I might find out

I have grown up imagining myself the hero, thinking that if I saw someone being attacked or was in the middle of a violent situation, I would rise to the occasion and play the hero.  I cannot say that I have been truly tested on this (and for that I am thankful), but all indications point to me being a coward and not a hero.

A couple years ago, my mother and I were hiking in Yellowstone National Park and we came across a black bear.  Black bears are all over Yellowstone and they are rarely aggressive or dangerous to hikers. This was not even the first one we had encountered on this trip, but it was the first one that was less than 10 feet away.

You talk about wanting to see a bear in the wild and how cool that would be.  I just remember being terrified.  There was this creature, minding its own business, eating something in the trunk of a tree, and I could not get over how easily it could utterly destroy me.  My instinct was not to stand my ground and protect my mother who was hiking right behind me.  It was to avoid it and skirt by as fast as I could.

Nothing happened, but my performance does not lead me to think, "that if I was [tested] I would pass."  I don't know how I will react in any given situation, but often in this life I find that the way I imagine myself acting is rarely the way I actually act when the situation arises.  I imagine being a good boyfriend and then when I am dating someone I do all kinds of stupid things.  I imagine being a good priest and end up making some really bad calls when things get difficult.  I imagine loving those around me, but end up putting myself first before all others.

So, "I look at the tested and think there but the grace go I." Only by the grace of God in Jesus Christ go I and without that I am nothing more than a coward, a liar, a cheat, and a beggar.  In all my failings (and they are too numerous to count) I am loved.  In all my work, I am used in spite of myself.  In all my relationships, I am able to live by the word of forgiveness given first to me by Jesus.  I am able to love because I have been loved first.

Amen.