Eyes, Stomach, and Heart

I think my body is shutting down. My eyes and stomach hurt. I haven't been at the computer too much today or straining my eyes on anything and as for my stomach, I ate a little while ago...long enough that it can't be my meal that is upsetting my stomach, but recently enought that it cannot be a lack of food that is putting me off. My heart on the other hand has good reason to be a little tender.

Today, my father had a catheterization done and in two weeks he will go under the knife for a double bypass and an aortic valve replacement. I have generally written this off rationally as no big deal. I tell myself that if it is his time to go, I would rather be able to prepare and spend some extra time with my dad, than to have him die in a sudden car crash out of the blue. However, this overlooks the stark reality that my mind has never really allowed myself to consider the reality that my dad will some day go away. Now I am...I have to.

I do not know if my dad loves the God I have devoted my life to, but I have never met a man who better exemplifies the redeemed life. The root of who my dad is creates better fruit than anyone I know. There is more grace and love and charity and respect and integrity flowing naturally out of him than anyone else I know.

Now I am faced with considering life without him and it makes me want to vomit. It does not make me want to simply throw up and get rid of that nasty upset stomach. It makes me want to hurl up all that is inside of me until I have nothing left. Then I will weep. Not cry, but weep...sob. The kind of sob that carries my entire body with it into sorrow. The kind of weeping that once I am finished I can do nothing but lie still and fall asleep. The sleep will be brief, but painless.

My dad and I don't talk much. I hope that one day that changes, but everytime the opportunity to talk emerges a lump forms in my throat and I am speechless. I have nothing to say and if that does not change, I will one day lose the chance to hear some of the most fruitful and wise words I might ever have the opportunity to hear. I hope that day is not April 15.

Tax day...he told the doctor that his taxes were filed so that wouldn't be a problem...He was laying there in a bed and wasn't allowed to sit up. He just laid there for the afternoon...Helpless. The surgeon is one of the best (from what I hear), he does this every week. He is usually successful, but sometimes he loses a patient. What if that patient is my dad. Dr. Park will go home and so will I, but I won't have a dad anymore.

Who knows...maybe its all bullshit and I am just coming down with something.